Ok so I just want to start off by saying I (19M) love my girlfriend (19F) a lot and have generally had such a good relationship with her. We don’t really fight (at least not any more than other couples) and we’re very attracted to each other. But today, we had a talk in which she came clean about hooking up with her ex two months after we started seeing each other. At the time, we had made it explicit that we were exclusive, and had been going on romantic dates.
So it was clear the situationship was moving somewhere. Then she goes home for winter break and sees her ex, who she was in a relationship with for three years. Apparently he was still very into her (but she says she was no longer into him at this point) and they ended up giving each other head, but not having penetrative sex. Then a month later, she comes back from break, I have no idea this ever happened, so I ask her to be my girlfriend. We’ve been together for 10 months since.
She says that the hookup felt coerced and nonconsensual (her ex refused to leave her room for hours) and was obviously very upset with herself. She says she waited so long to tell me because if she had come clean immediately, she knew I would have ended things before we started officially dating. She knows she fucked up and swears that she will work hard to regain my trust. I also think she was a pretty different person 10 months ago than she is now. At the same time, she physically cheated on me while we were exclusive, and while she says the hookup felt pressured, she still gave her ex head at the end of the day. On principle, I want to break up with her, but I know she has changed and I’m wondering if maybe I should give her a second chance.
6 comments
This is a you call, OP.
How sure are you that it’s never going to happen again?
Can your trust be rebuilt after being broken?
Do you love her enough to erase this from your mind? Or will you always be worrying about it?
I personally believe that if you cheat once, you’ll cheat again, especially if you think you can get away with it.
It’s a tough call, OP, and it’s nobody’s to make but your own. You’re the one who will have to live with the consequences of your decision. Trust your heart
Up to you but be wary she could also be claiming it felt coerced to absolve herself of responsibility. At the end of the day she made the decision to suck his dick and kept it a secret for 8 months.
Honestly, she sounds incredibly manipulative. She didn’t want to tell you because she thought you would break up? In what world is that an excuse? She cheated on you, and not wanting you to ditch her for it is in no way an excuse to subsequently lie about it. She lied to protect her skin, plain and simple, your feelings be damned.
She says she felt she was coerced? Did she say anything about taking away your right to informed consent before entering a serious relationship? Is she going to blow every guy who won’t leave her room from here on out?
You should dump her. You’re too young to give her another chance. You’ll find someone better who will be able to stay faithful.
She’s telling you what you want to hear in a few issues that matter. How can you gauge whether she’s changed when you are just finding this crap out? She has essentially lied to you for months on a daily basis.
Which person are you seeing today, the lying cheater or someone promising what sounds persuasive?
Research remorse vs. apologies. The former requires a lot of work that you plan together.
Alternatively, look you are both kids and have only less than a year invested in this relationship. You will be nagging yourself whenever she leaves alone for a certain length of time. Ask yourself whether this baggage is worth it at this point in your youth?
>At the time, we had made it explicit that we were exclusive
she’s a cheater. you dump her and leave her. there’s no “i know she has changed”. it’s all bullshit.
Here is your break up text: “While I have listened to and understand your reasons for doing what you did. I cannot in good conscience remain committed to you in this relationship. It’s over.”