I (20f) am dating a wonderful boy (21m). We love each other very much and have a great relationship! We talk about the future we want together, and we can really see our lives with each other. My parents, on the other hand, are not a fan of the relationship. I have my suspicions that they are discriminating against him for something he can’t control (think race, disability status, sexual orientation, etc; I will not get into it here due to confidentiality). However, they swear up and down that it has nothing to do with this.
When I ask them why they don’t like the relationship, they just say “you two are such good friends under all this temporary little romance”. They think that we were “raised too differently” (whatever that means). To be clear, there are no major cultural or religious considerations here, so it’s not that. They also thing I’m far too young to be in a relationship like this, and they constantly scold me to “not get too serious”. They even half jokingly say I should be “still looking for other guys”.
Now, family is very important to my boyfriend. He comes from a big, close family and can’t really understand parents like mine. It’s really important to him that my parents like him, so much so that he told me he will not stay with me in the future if my parents “don’t approve” (because nothing is more important than family). Because of this, I freaked out and told him that my parents love him. I know that if he knew the truth, it would break his heart (especially because I know he’d read between the lines and suspect that the reason they don’t like him is because of the aforementioned trait he can’t control, which would absolutely destroy him).
I’ve been working on trying to get my parents to like him, giving them patience and everything. But this whole situation is putting a strain on the relationship I have with my parents, as well as my boyfriend. The holiday and inevitable “meet the parents” season is coming up, and I am absolutely dreading it. What do I do?
TL;DR: my parents don’t like my boyfriend and I can’t bear to tell him that
3 comments
So he’s not wonderful.
If he were, he wouldn’t be so quick to bail on you. He’d want to stand by you and help you sort through this and eventually get you the fuck away from your family.
IMO let him know what’s going on. If he is going to break up with you over your parents not approving, then he’s probably not going to be a good long-term partner.
I don’t think it’s fair to hide something like this from him. The “so he’s not so wonderful” comment had me shook because
1) his values are ok even if they’re not the same as others’. He values family and I don’t know where you live but it irks me how in the US particularly, valuing individualism seems to override valuing the idea that a person should honor and prioritize their family. These values are often culturally informed and just because it isn’t mainstream here does not mean that it’s wrong. The idea that he should want to separate you from your family is absurd to me if you’re not being abused by your family.
2) I think it’s really, truly awful to hide the idea that your family is discriminating against him. This is something that could be dangerous for him in the long run, you have no way of knowing how extreme your family’s discriminatory views may be, or who he may in fact be unsafe around. And if you are risking the possibility of having children together you give him no say in condemning his children, who may share his traits, to discrimination within their own family. Imagine how awful this would be for anyone, and particularly for someone who clearly has a goal of a happy family life.
This is ten kinds of fucked.