My marriage feels unhealthy to me and I’m not sure if it’s in my head or if it really is.
Several months ago, we were planning a winter vacation. Husband wants to take a very long, expensive vacation that’s the entire month of December. I told him I didn’t want to do a month, because I needed to work. I was also really concerned about our finances. But he had to go on this long trip. He works a lot, and is a high earner – much more than me – so he needed a break and I respected that. he said he really needed a month. Eventually I cave with the caveat that I work remotely part time. I thought this was understood I would still work part time and it was all good.
Fast forward the trip is a month away, husband asks me if I’m working during our trip. I told him yea – was honestly surprised he asked because I thought I had expressed this and we were on the same page. I said I have been planning to like we discussed. Every weekend this has lead to a fight, culminating in him getting so angry yesterday he threw a temper tantrum in the garage, throwing and kicking things.
I just sat there while he did this, then left saying though he has a right to be angry, his behavior is destructive and frightening and we can talk when he calms down. He said I dropped the ball during communication and am ruining our trip because I’m working. I ended up just sitting there as he screamed, banged his hands on the steering wheel and threw the equivalent of a temper tantrum. I told him I will not engage him during his rage fits, walked away and waited for him to cool down.
He texted me several times, came and found me, then proceeded to say my job made far less than his, and he was able to get the time off and that I should do the same. I was just so confused because I thought my working was okay up until now. He has always had a problem with me working yet has been controlling of finances. He asks about my expenses and tries to control them, yet when I ask to work more hours he gets angry.
I feel a lot of things. I feel like a bad partner for wanting to work. But this voice inside of me said his behavior isn’t healthy. He went through my schedule and put in the calendar the hours I was allowed to work. I cried a lot, and he listened to me cry during this and he personally feels like this issue is resolved, with the schedule he has designed for me. But I don’t feel like it’s resolved.
This is not the first time this has happened. And our marriage feels really toxic to me. Am I crazy? I am in therapy, I have asked him repeatedly to go to therapy for his anger issues and he refuses, claiming he doesn’t need it/is smarter than a therapist and that it doesn’t work. He also claims I am not making progress and therapy is a bs placebo.
I really think he needs help. He is not a bad person at all, and besides this anger problem, he has been very supportive of my other job, which has yet to pay dividends. And I understand he earns more, so it would make sense I defer to him in some ways (?) i just think his anger issue is really hard to deal with and I am getting more tired each time. Sometimes, I want to say something hurtful to him or just leave. It’s to the point where I considered separating a lot this year but wasn’t ready/sure if I wanted to do that. I certainly don’t want to have children with him until he fixes his anger problem. It’s taken a huge toll on my mental health.
I don’t know what to do.
And for those who are like, “why did you marry him?” – he was not like this before COVID. He was a completely different person.
I’m not looking to divorce, because I do think he wants to improve. And I want to improve, because I’m sure I’m doing many things wrong. But how do I get him to see his denial about his anger and controlling behavior is damaging to us? How do I get him to get help?
6 comments
Sorry you’re dealing with this stressful situation. I think you know your instincts are right and this is absolutely not healthy. I’m impressed with your keeping your cool and walking away when he escalates things, but ask yourself why are you the only person here who is trying to be respectful and mature? Your husband is extremely controlling, and a grown person throwing a physical tantrum is absolutely not ok – honestly a bit scary and I’m concerned you are teetering on the line of being abused (financial and verbal definitely, and it quickly could become physical with his hitting/kicking and screaming at inanimate objects). He does not seem like he is in a stable place and is taking this out on you. You are very very correct that you should not have kids with this man right now, make sure your birth control is secure and in your hands alone. If you’re not ready for a divorce, then you need to find a way to SAFELY exert boundaries and consider an ultimatum – some time apart for him to work on himself with therapy maybe, then considering doing some therapy as a a couple. I think in this case it is very warranted to set a hard line. However make sure you have support from friends and family shored up, a safe place you can stay, and have your most vital documents in your possession and access to your own money. I’m really not trying to be alarmist but he has a lot of very concerning behaviors, and if you indicate you’re going to leave he may try to stop you, or at least manipulate you into staying. It’s not your job OR within the realm of your ability to fix his serious issues, but if he will allow it, you can support him if he is actually willing to make changes. This is supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship
It’s very dysfunctional. I am sorry.
He’s abusing you; of course it feels unhealthy. Everything you’ve listed right down to trying to financially abuse you. He needs help that you can’t provide on your own. Normal, adjusted adults don’t act like you describe. If you stay with him, expect his behavior to escalate until it’s you he’s hitting. I hope you can get out.
OP I’m really sorry but everything you’re saying sounds very much like an abusive relationship.
I won’t repeat your own post back to you to show the red flags – but things like shifting goal posts and non-sensical demands are classic signs of being malicious and not just having an ‘anger issue’ – even the fact he’s saying you aren’t making progress in therapy (because he is mistreating you most likely) is very concerning gaslighting tactics (e.g. he doesn’t want things in place that support you, and knows at some point your therapist will probably suggest your SO is abusive)
Whatever you do decide to do from here OP – please have some safety planning and some backup considerations in place – he’s trying to financially control you which could put you in a place where you can’t leave if you wanted.
You can’t make someone else change – and abusive people are great at making a show of being open to change (usually in the form of empty but hopeful words) the best you can do is make sure you are safe, often that does mean making plans to leave.
Me in your shoes: “Never mind, cancel me out. I’m not going.”
I think you did the right things telling him you were not going to sit there and take his abuse. I’ve worked longer than he’s been alive and never took a month off from work and I never acted like I was holier than my wife or trained professionals. He’s clearly not as smart as he thinks he is and he cuts others down to prop himself up due to his lack of self esteem.
You are correct: He needs individual therapy on his own and must make progress before you can even think about marriage counseling. But so long as he refuses and you stick around, he’s only going to get worse. Quite seriously, you could be in danger if this goes on.
Yeah angry tantrum is not good.