I really don’t even know how to title this or start this. Been dealing with this girl for so long and I am about at the end of my rope. Am I right to be upset with her for teasing me and then making up every excuse in the book to withhold sex all the time? It’s like I have to always be on her time and when she wants it she gets it but then whenever I want something I have to wait for her to be feeling perfect, and then I still may not get any! But then it’s a problem when I watch porn unless I have her PerMiSsIoN. I watch it when I feel like it and I’m not getting enough regardless, but I am just sick of all of the double standards and it always being about her 95% of the time. She will tease me on sexual ways and and say we will do something soon, but then every excuse in the book from feeling bloated, to wearing shorts so tight, going to sleep in them and then cutting her clitoris and causing it to bleed. I get that she owns her body and she has a choice in whether or not she wants to do things, but goddamn!
I have been noticing the imbalance between when I ask for something and when she does. Like 10:2, and I oblige 98.9% of the time, whereas I can’t remember the last time she even pretended to want it. Only when she is on her cycle and when hormones are flying wild does she get seductive for real. Been dealing with her for almost 3 years now and it has become a little too much for me to bare at times. I am jist wondering if anyone else goes through this and what this is a sign of. I may end up finally calling it quits if it doesn’t just turn out to be coincidence how everytime I get shafted (pun intended haha)!
TL;DR: gf of about 3 years has no interest in pleasing me and there is a huge imbalance between our privileges in the bedroom. I have a high sex drive and my needs are rarely ever met with anything except excuses and teasing. What is this a sign of?
17 comments
Just threaten leaving, if she doesn’t mind it, then take your opportunity and leave,
Or just whenever you at her place, and she does this, just dress, walk out the door and ghost her for one week, see how she reacts,
If you live together, ask mom/friend to host you for a week, and just stay off the radar, if she chases you at work or something, just listen to her and don’t answer, keep on with your day,
Or better yet just tell her you are upset about no sex and will come back after one week
Done this once with my GF she stopped the bullshit excuses after one year
Maybe you’re just not a match.
It’s a sign of taking you for granted and complacency, for starters. Cutting off contact as suggested above is a good step. IMO.
Dude you need to get rid od this girl now. She does not love you and she does not respect you, you are a joke to her. Permission to watch porn when she is not giving you any lovin… I have a good feeling she is fucking a few guys on the side. loving… are clearly miserable. Break up with her and the sooner the better.
Start dating other people
I’ll keep it a bean, you’re a better man than me because I would’ve left a long time ago. Personally, I had these kinda problems when I was a lot younger because I was literally the most unassertive dude you could imagine and some of that was because I was kinda taught that my wants and needs were at best secondary when it came to a woman.
You’re mostly right and you definitely have a right to be upset because she’s likely doing it on purpose and not in the sense that she’s a supervillain or something but more so, she likes being desired a bit more than sex itself so does what she can to keep the former coming (I could’ve made a pun right-fucking-there).
The dynamic you have kinda incentives her to keep it the way it is. If she can keep you waiting as long as she feels like but snap her fingers and expect you to be ready to go, why would she change that? And I need to reiterate that this isn’t mean trying to paint as a villain because *fuck* it sounds that way to me.
I think from how she views your watching porn and how you “need” her permission to watch all but confirms my suspicion that she likes being sexually desired more so than the actual sex. She can choose not to fuck you, that’s a right that goes both ways but she can’t control your sexuality too, that’s just too much and fucks with the dynamic.
You should look at this from an outsider’s point-of-view. If your little brother or best friend or cousin or whoever was in this situation with your girlfriend what would they tell you to do?
A part of me has been down this route and “solved” it through no longer initiating sex, creating distance, and rejecting all advances. Basically flipping the dynamic on its head. I’ve got a lot different ways to solve this but man, not gonna lie they’re kinda fucked.
Either way, end it.
It sounds like she’s not into sex as much as you are, but she may or may not be into controlling you. Remember that libidos are naturally elevated for the first 6-12 months so that’s not a good indicator of your partner’s baseline desire.
I have had the libido imbalance problem a lot. I have had at least 10 years of my adult life with virtually no sexual intimacy, feeling rejected, unloved etc. It is intolerable and my biggest problem right now is that I’m scared of getting into another relationship like that.
It’s not OK for everything else to be good; such an imbalance slowly drives a wedge between you. It’s one of the harsh facts of life. I’d suggest discussing it with her without bitterness, anger etc, and ask her compassionately and calmly how she sees it. But be prepared for her to say or indicate that yes, you are mismatched.
You could try talking to her about how you feel in this situation and follow up with asking her how she feels. Then tell each other to make changes, if she or you refuse then relationship will find it’s end. If you work together and compromise it just makes your relationship stronger.
Not reading that novel, but I’d just say that double standards are okay if you’re both okay with them. People value things differently.
For men? It’s a rule not the exception. We are a disposable commodity whose worth is based on what we provide. What we’re expected to provide can change without notice.
It really all comes down to what you want here. If you want to stay some things have to change on yours and her part. My suggestion is to start the change on your part and lead by example, this could take awhile and feel pointless but it will work. The first part is to figure out what changes need to happen, and that only happens through talking. Figure out what you do that upsets her (porn maybe?) And in return express what upsets you. One thing at a time make a change for one day, then do it again.
The other option is to leave because it’s not worth fighting for. I’m not judging you there, I was there and did just that before. Sometimes there is too much water under the bridge so to speak, and it’s time to move on. I left a 4 year relationship because of a similar situation, and I know it was the right choice for me. You have to figure out what the right choice for you is.
Double standards in general are quite pronounced.
I will say one thing though, OP, if I was in your shoes right now I’d be running for the hills from that relationship. I read 1/3 of your first paragraph and and thought to myself that I’d have left that relationship a long time ago.
I could swim in radioactive waste and then drink a glass of it afterwards and still absorb less toxic material than what you’re taking in.
It sounds like
1.) you 2 just aren’t a match
2.) she is selfish
3.) she is complacent/ taking you for granted
4.) any combination of any of the above
If you have already clearly explained all of this to her and she doesn’t express a genuine desire to make things more fair (not only through her words, but through her actions) then leave, leave and keep your dignity. Nothing is worth sacrificing your dignity.
You are not compatible sexually. That is a very important component in any healthy relationship.
You can call her bluff and disappear and see why happens. You can put your foot down and talk it through and find some common ground. You can do 100 of things that give her a ease of her own medicine in terms of how one can manipulate their partner and you can finally get something going your way….. or….
You can re-evaluate if you want to be with a woman that treats you this way, make an exit plan, leave her and go find someone that values you and builds you up instead of knocks you down.
Dude that’s not a healthy relationship. All giving and no take is a good way to end up feeling exhausted, used up, and not important. Get out while you still can
Double standards are the norm. Most women don’t give a fuck about what’s fair or right. They want what they want and they don’t give a fuck about anything but that.