Do you take your LTR search seriously? If not why?

24 comments

1. I find most of the women I’ve met off apps to be vapid and shallow, not like the care about looks but they literally have no depth to them.

   This is why I try to meet women through my hobbies and interest. I do better irl than the apps anyway since I’m pretty average but I got personality like a mofo.

2. There’s a difference between standards/boundaries, and having expectations. Having preset expectations on OLD is a surefire way to burnout and disappointment.

   Take people at face value, especially in the early stages. Definitely one of the more valuable lessons I learned in my 20s, to be more intentional. It’s not worth my mental energy and sanity to worry about why someone is the way they are. Accept incompatibility, and move on.

3. I understand your frustration. I just don’t go in with expectations and just try and see who I enjoy spending time with and who makes me feel good. It’s more trying to find a friend than a romantic relationship. That lets you find out how person actually acts and communicates. And if you build feelings for each other you go on more romantic dates. If it doesn’t work out and you enjoy each other’s company you have a friend.

   Essentially we want a best friend for the rest of our lives. So try and be friends instead of bf/gf first. That’s what I’m doing and it’s easier to just weed “meh” people out in the beginning. You know who wants to be invested vs who doesn’t.

4. Most people don’t know what they want in life in general, let alone dating and long term relationships. Try not to wrap your head around these thoughts too much. The internet and social media among other things have desensitized people to lack empathy, care, and understanding.

5. What you’re describing seems more like someone who is not interested or maybe people who have commitment issues.

   I think there is a balance that should be had between being serious in looking for a LTR and just having fun getting to know someone. I think a lot of people treat a first date like an interview to make sure they meet all their self proclaimed must haves (some of which are “deal breakers” and some which really shouldn’t be) on some list they have. It takes the romance out of dating.

   I think a first date should just be fun. I don’t think it’s a waste of time if I have fun hanging out with someone for a date or two if I later learn that we are not on the same page regarding something. That’s the purpose of dating – finding out if you’ll get along and want to be with each other. I think too often people treat it like an Amazon purchase, instead of really dating like it’s intended to be.

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7. >Are they still thinking that in the future is going to be easier to date? It’s not, they need to be woken up before they ruin their chances of having the happy life they want.

   I personally believe dating will be easier in the future. I also have little to no fear that have i have done has ruined my chances of living a happy life.

8. I’m confused honestly because this isn’t about the women you dated so who is it about ? Your friends? People on the streets? How would you know how often they actually approach men unless you’re observing them constantly, or is it just that they don’t approach you?

   Also I rarely approach men IRL in my 30s because it’s usually pointless. If they’re within 2 years of me there’s a 90% chance they have a gf. And then if they’re in the 10%, there’s a 1% chance that we’d actually enjoy each other. It’s just a lot of effort to take for someone simply bc they’re vaguely attractive.

   Some of these things are likely just incompatibilities (I don’t like texting, but I also *tell* people I don’t like texting specifically if they’re annoying or boring texters but fine in real life)

   Some of these things, if it’s about women you dated, or shall we say, “people anyone date,” just mean that they might take their search seriously – you’re just not what they’re searching for. Or maybe they’re not for you, if they walk up to you and you think what they talk about is “incredibly boring.”

9. Dating a woman 3 months. One of the things she asked me on our fifth or sixth date was something I found highly interesting. The question was something like, “How can someone be a great partner to you / what are things that really stand out to you as going the extra mile?”

   This was a great question because it showed both that she cared, and also that she recognized that one person values as meaningful/impactful effort and what another person values, may not be the same.

   For instance if someone was very punctual and never canceled plans, this is not something I personally award a lot of bonus points for. If someone bought me small gifts showing that they were thinking of me, I would think it was sweet but ultimately is not that important to me. Someone however who explains their work or hobbies in layman’s terms and teaches me new perspectives on the world? I love that shit. Someone who picks me up from the airport when I’m super tired? Gold star.

   We both ended up making a list of how the other person could go out of their way to “make an effort.” We each had 8 items and there was almost zero overlap. It was a deeply insightful exercise.

   So your idea of making yourself “a great option to them” – sorry, OP, but consider the idea that there is a disconnect between what they want, and what you think they want. I don’t mean this in a mean way at all. It takes time to find compatibility.

10. Dating culture as it is, in my view, creates an environment of constant coddling. “Hey look, there are so many people! This one person who doesn’t fit perfectly is disposable!”

    I talked with a friend recently about how it’s all out of fear. To really be with someone, a mirror gets held up about all of your own flaws and shortcomings because you’re around them all the time. No one *wants* that, so they try to find the “perfect” fit, as in, someone who never makes them aware that they, too, can sometimes not be perfect.

    And yes, I completely understand the delusion of people. I came across profiles of guys in their thirties and forties who claimed to still be unsure on whether or not they want kids. I’m like…… really??? How long do you think you have, man? Think it’s something you can just deliberate on in your fifties? I just chalk it up to the cultural zeitgeist of being too afraid to be “intense” when it’s actually just facing reality head on.

11. Smart people tend to focus on controlling what they can control and let other people go about their business as they please – knowing that you cannot control other people.

    Silly people would rather complain than adapt and end up continually dating these people, only to eventually wind up in exactly the same place as said people – single at the end of the day.

12. No because I have zero self esteem and feel like I’ll never be good enough for someone I’m actually interested in to love me.

13. I don’t recommend trying to fix or bemoan society’s issues, whether it’s dating or whatever. Just move on from these incompatible matches and find the women you do want to date.

    Edit: to be clear on why this post irritates me – OP is paternalistically trying to “fix” these women by going on and on about how they need to do this and fix that and be “woken up”. Have you considered maybe these women are grey-rocking you in order to get you to “give up on dating” them?

14. Unpopular opinion: People who didn’t successfully pair in their 20s or early 30s are single for a reason. It might be bad luck. It might be mental health hang ups. Its likely other priorities. If you want a relationship, you can have one. You just have to compromise who it’s with.

    I have plenty of friends that are married with kids in their 30s and in a mediocre relationship because they admittedly prioritized having A relationship over having a relationship with someone they actually want to be in a relationship with. Many of them don’t regret the decision because their ultimate goal was a family and they now have one.

    I and most of my single friends are happy being single, comfortable with ourselves, and having a family is nice but not the end-all-be-all. So we won’t comprise on the who to have any relationship. We don’t date people we don’t enjoy spending time with, or people we don’t enjoy having sex with. Because I like the life I have, I am not willing to sacrifice my day-to-day happiness to incrementally increase the likelihood of meeting a good match. I’m not going to sacrifice my career for a random date. Because I value my friendships, I’m not going to put a random date over them.

15. This is why I don’t use apps. These are issues I just don’t cone across.

16. Yeah I get the same effort from men online. Barely any. When I started a year ago I was workin it like it was a second job. But I’m getting burnt out. All the convos that go nowhere. The ghosts. The scammers, the players. It’s exhausting. So I’m taking a break. If someone comes to me I will have a convo. But I don’t put in nearly as much effort as I was a year ago.

17. No, I definitely don’t take it seriously. I date to meet new people, have fun and seek out enjoyable sexual and romantic experiences. When long term relationships happen, they grow out of these connections organically. This works fantastically well for me.

18. > I have dated few women (but this thread is not about them) in their 30s that on paper they want a LTR, family and children but then they don’t put the effort and I don’t mean with me, I mean in general.

    How do you know that it applies ‘in general’? Unless you have a full breakdown of the last, say, 5 people they dated seriously, you have no way of making that assessment.

    When I was on the apps, I was open to LTR (indeed my two most significant LTRs have been from the apps); however I was also open to casual. And I didn’t take any of the casual dating seriously. I was pretty lacklustre and hands-off when it came to communication. Because I just didn’t care. However it was a completely different attitude to the ‘serious dating’ prospects.

19. I take my LTR search seriously but I’m also still living my life. If anyone said the things you mentioned about me it would be because I wasn’t really interested. I think it’s normal to try to make sense of dating and how people handle themselves but everyone is different. Making assumptions about people and their behavior isn’t going to help.

20. Because they suffered bad or not so good relationships in twenties . Importance to work and career in thirties is very natural because it is peak period to earn.It is not that they are giving more importance to work ,its like to date with someone first we have to be economically strong.Red flags is all about experience,in real life we can get bad experience without red flag .Red flags depends on person to person.

21. My takeaway from that list is they aren’t that into the person.

    I was searching for a LTR, buried in a high stress tech job, terrible texter, just invested enough in the process (dating) to try but not letting it run my life.

    Then I met someone who captivated me and giving my all to that person was easy. And that naturally flowed into a healthy, rewarding LTR.

22. Sounds a lot like projecting…

23. I’d like to have a LTR, but only with someone who improves my already very good life. I’d do all the things you listed if it was a man I wasn’t interested in and could tell wouldn’t add value to my life long term.

    I think many people who are into the “you must compromise” approach are people for whom a “good enough” LTR will improve the quality of their lives. I’m not hating on those people at all, but I think some of them don’t realize that it’s not the same case for everyone and then get upset about other people’s approach.

    I have a life where I can do anything on my own that I could do in a relationship, including having biological children, so the “compromise” relationship isn’t likely to improve my quality of life much.

    There’s a ton of research that LTR/family decrease life satisfaction for most women, so I’m only interested in going down that path with someone who is an exceptional fit. Otherwise, I’m generally everything you listed, except the “ignoring red flags.”

24. Over time I don’t know about others but I’ve accumulated different dealbreakers through life which makes me really unmotivated in the dating search knowing that after I tell them they might not stick around. I feel like if I was really serious about finding someone I’d live in a larger city again. Yet I know with the cards I’ve been dealt I might just end up alone and I’ve accepted that. I’m not even on apps or anything at this time. Someone would have to really like me and aggressively go for me in the beginning for it to work TBH. A lot of people have also had REALLY BAD EXPERIENCES, myself included, with men on dating apps. So I think it’s fair to make them work for it in the beginning. Since to be honest the much better experiences I had were with guys I met organically.