Particularly women, I am wondering if someone made you feel like you take too long or aren’t worthy of pleasuring , like a chore for example and how you got past this? It was never a problem for me until my last two relationships made me feel this way. I really want to work past this insecurity and allow myself to enjoy the pleasure others give to me without ruining it for myself.
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In my opinion there is no too long or too quick, it takes how long it takes, would find it weird if someone brings that up
I got past it by valuing my own pleasure, and identifying what I wanted and what my boundaries were in terms of those things.
It helps if you have a giving partner that doesn’t make you feel this way ever. But relax, enjoy and if a partner makes you feel this way, dump his ass. But also sometimes the best way to enjoy is to not focus on an orgasm at all and just focus on enjoyment and pleasure, then the orgasm just comes when its ready. Having said that my partner has a certain set of muscles she tenses, while focused on pleasure that gets her there everytime.
After having this experience with dating men in my late teens and early 20s, I dated only women for a few years. Dating women removed all of the issues around being able to receive pleasure and feeling entitled to it. A woman has never treated me like my pleasure was a burden.
YMMV, if you’re not queer this is not a great option for you but it worked for me. Now I have no issues whatsoever with anyone of any gender. Now I have a SO who specifically gets off on getting me off so it’s a win-win.
Meditation is another good option. It teaches you how to focus on your body and let distracting thoughts fly by. So when you start overthinking, you have the tools you need to focus back on your body.
Im a dude so sorry if this isn’t helpful but I found my groove after having some troubles by just saying “fuck it, I don’t care what the outcome is”.
Like I used to worry about staying hard or had anxiety about being able to finish. Then one time I was like “fuck it, this is enjoyable. If I get soft I’ll still enjoy myself and make sure she enjoys herself. If I don’t cum, no big deal. It’s still fun”
In that moment all the stuff I was worrying about stopped being a problem, because I wasn’t worried about it anymore.
Try all or any combination of the following:
Lots of reassurance from your partner…..
Pot or alcohol…..
White noise machine….
Dim the lights or turn off completely ……
Blindfolds for you or them or both……
Restraints at your wrists or ankles or both…..
Going slowly…..
Buy some lingerie you feel sexy in…..
Take turns giving pleasure (meaning a little bit back and forth then back and forth, again and again)
Make the session about feeling sensations instead of making the goal to orgasm.
I always try to physically relax, and I close my eyes and think “the goal is not to cum” and I just let it happen
First you need a respectful and caring partner that you find hot.
Then personally meditating has helped me a lot. I.e. emptying my mind, just thinking about nothing than the sensation and how nice it is. Get rid of all expectations and anxiety in the moment, it’s your moment and you should be a bit selfish, if you don’t cum it doesn’t matter, had fun, and if you do that’s great.
Sometimes I still don’t cum and I don’t care. It’s not a race, it’s about having a nice time with someone you love.
Thank you all for your different perspectives and advice. I appreciate all of your input and I will try to think of it more as a journey and not a destination
This is a constant running thought in my head. It has nothing to do with any of my partners. They’ve never made me feel that way, it’s mostly just my own insecurities.
It’s the same tactic I use anytime any of the unproductive thoughts start to take over in my head. I focus on the feeling. I try to really ask myself what am I feeling, where and what it feels like. It’s so basic but generally works well to bring me back into the moment.
Having an enthusiastic partner helps as well.
Oof I’m in the same place! I’m working on it by trying to enjoy the process more. It’s enjoyable even if I don’t get off all the way. I’m liking the closeness with my partner and appreciate that he’s trying so hard. If in the end he can’t get me there, I do it myself while he watches. He seems to think it’s hot, so it ends up in fantastic mutual masturbation and we both finish gloriously. So that’s an option…