We been dating for over for 4 years and engaged for a couple of months. From the beginning I told him about my issues of not wanting to be a mother, not biological because of many reasons: being responsable to bring another human being to this chaotic world, the many problems during pregnancy, postpartum depression, health issues, etc. He was ok with that but at some point he wanted to talk to me about it because now he felt that he wanted to be a father because he loves me. I told him that I was very open about adopting but he want a biological one. I carelessly told him that I would think about it because he said it was my decision and he will respect it. In the mean time, he proposed to me and I said yes. Fast forward to now, I was completely sincere about it and explained to him that I could bring the idea of being a biological mother. I made that decision long ago, in my twenties, long before we knew each other, and the fear and anxiety of the matter are still in me, I can’t change that. Well… He didn’t take my response too well. Now he thinks that it would be too difficult for him to change his mind but “he would try”, that the adoption thing is just a patch and a thing that other people do almost like charity. I was shocked… I never expected all of that. I mean, I understand that its not easy but I feel like he didn’t truly respect my opinion from the beginning and was just hoping to said yes to his request. I don’t know… Besides, we have been having sex problems for months and its becoming a real problem with little or not solutions. More reasons to feel insecure about the motherhood/parenthood thing. Plus, we have 3 dogs and he was all lovely at the beginning but now he thinks that they’re too much job. I can’t bring myself to compare the two topics, at some point…
I don’t know what to do. Maybe our relationship is over… Or he is in so much stress and saying things without thinking, I don’t know.
I would really appreciate some perspective in this.
And sorry for my english (not my first lenguaje).
Thanks in advance for your help.
tl;dr: My fiance wants biological children but I don’t because of many fears (health issues, depression, etc) and he knew about it from the beginning. Now he is mad and thinking how hard it’s going to be for him to not wanting them. He didn’t thought about being a father before, just now. I knew my decision over a decade ago.
EDIT: Thanks for all your comments, advises, opinions and different perspectives about my problem. I’m really grateful and I will try to respond all of them as soon as possible.
I would like to clarify a couple of things:
-He didn’t want kids from the beginning and thus our plans were the same. He change his mind this year and talked to me about it around the middle of it. I don’t blame him for that because it’s a personal topic, after all, and everyone has their own time for feeling it.
-I know I was in the wrong for thinking that I could change my mind. I was naive… I tried to focus about the good things and from time to time I image a child of ours and it felt nice, but immediately after that I thought about all the risks and problems. I really regret that as much as him for talking me about ir, even though he knew what I felt about it and we already talked it many times before.
-You’re all right… We should brake up… And it’s devastating. We were planning a future together, after all, but now we see things differently. I love him, he is my first authentic relationship, he is a good man and if he actually want to be a father one day, I don’t want to be a burden, even if its means to walk different ways. It’s not going to be easy, we live together, I have nowhere to go. And he is facing as much pain as I am. It’s hard…
40 comments
If you don’t want biological children and he does, then you’re not compatible and need to end the relationship.
Best you know this before getting married or pregnant. Isn’t it obvious that this relationship won’t work?
What everyone else says. DO NOT GET MARRIED. unless one of you has a compkete change of heart.
Kids and marriage are something you can’t actually compromise on
He wants biological kids and you dont; no matter what you do, one of you will feel resentful and like your needs are not being met. If you bear him a child, you will resent being pregnant when you never wanted to be. If you don’t and adopt, he will almost certainly regret never having his own children, because that is something that hs important to him.
Unfortunately this is a core incompatibility and usually means that the couple need to break up and find someone else who does want the same thing.
It sounds like you both had poor communication. He disregarded the fact you have always said you didnt want bio kids, and you unfortunately added to that by telling him you’d think about it when deep down you know you don’t want it. You’ve both ignored this elephant in the room… unfortunately this is common and is often how divorce happens early on in a marriage- people get engaged and married and ignore a big issue where they are having problems and can’t agree.
You don’t say what your sex problem is but I would say do not get married until the sex problem and the bio kids problem are fixed. You should not be getting married unless you are both on the same page about the future and are hapoyvwith what you are getting in the present – including sexually.
Marriage does not fix things or save a dying relationship, it just adds a lot of paperwork if you break up.
If they can’t be fixed then the relationship can’t really be saved.
This is an irreconcilable difference.
He wants bio-kids with you. You absolutely refuse bio-kids.
If he were to somehow get you to agree anyway, you will resent him if your fears come true.
If he doesn’t get what he wants, he will resent you.
Either way, that resentment will fester and spill over onto potential children, whether they be biological kids or foster/adopted kids.
This is a dead end.
I wish I could give you advice that would fix this and give you forests of gold and green with this man in your future but I don’t think it can work.
This man also thinks three dogs is too much work? He ain’t ready for a single kid *at all*.
This is most likely your cue to leave…and also take the dogs with you in all honesty.
You two want different things. The moment you realize this you are wasting time staying together.
He changed his mind, also he believed you when we said youd think about it.
Its sad but neither of you have done anything major wrong. Break up now so that you can both pursue what you want out of life with partners who want the same things
why’re you guys getting married? your values and needs don’t align. it’s doomed because this is a huge issue
Sex is not working and he wants biological children when you don’t. You can’t get married to him, sorry but there’s no such thing as having half a baby.
Is surrogacy an option?
Why not try surrogacy? You don’t have to carry the child and you both get a biological baby? But only if you still want to be a mom.
How tf did y’all end up together
Honestly I see your point but one thing I want to say to you is this…
You can’t live your life in fear of possible negative outcomes. There is zero guarantee you would
Have a bad pregnancy or postpartum depression.
Why is adopting someone not a risk or heartache or hardships? I feel like there is clearly many reasons for this not working but it seems to me you need to start living life without all the what if’s. Children can be the thing that catapult’s your emotional maturity and see life from a whole different angle.
Plus this is confusing to me, why are you so
Sure you want to be a mother if you are so against your own kids. It does not make much sense
And dogs and kids are not the same
He thought he could get you to change your mind. And I don’t mean that in a hopeful way. I mean it in the way that people often dismiss opinions women have about pregnancy or children, because they think they know better than you what you want.
Lol, you have dogs and he thinks they’re too much, OP. You think someone like that will take care of a child? He sounds like one of those guys who wants a child, but none of the work. That’ll be all for you. Just like birthing said child would be.
Don’t get married to him, OP.
There are ways to work this out you could try a surrogate
Break up. Children is one issue where there is no negotiation only resentment. When you want children, you want them for a lifetime. You want them and grandchildren and great grandchildren. It is too much to give up.
Next time don’t give someone false hope. You never were going to “think about it”.
I highly suggest reading accounts of people who regret having kids (and vice versa as well). My partner regrets having kids and it’s been an enormous source of conflict and unhappiness for us. Kids require constant, ongoing sacrifice of priorities you may have in your non-kid life, not to mention sleep deprivation for a few years, and a lot of additional considerations to juggle (financial, logistics, etc.) For me, it’s more than worth it, but my partner struggles with resentment.
I agree with everyone else. You both have different goals in life now that are conflicting. Having biological kids isn’t something that can be compromised. One of you will end feeling regret if you marry. It’s better to find someone else who’s more compatible. Although surrogacy is an option if you both can afford it, but that also come with complications.
He wants his own children- an adopted child will never be enough for him, unless he is unable to naturally unable produce sperm to create a child. Even then he maybe resentful.
People rarely change their minds. And there will be a make or brake decision to make in the future.
He may even be hopeful that you will change your mind
Looks like it’s the end of the road. You guys have hit a massive road block that can’t be bypassed.
My husband got a vasectomy at age 25, in our first year of marriage. Prior to that, he told me he wanted kids. our marriage has been rocky, never happy because we are fundamentally not compatible. This will be you, similarly. Opt out before you become trapped in a loveless marriage filled with resentment. There are men out there (like my husband) who do not want kids, and youd make him happier than i do.
Is there anything more to say? He’s not trying to consider adopting a child, he’s trying to wear you down to have a biological one. And if he can’t handle the dogs, what makes you think he’d be able to handle a child, adopted or otherwise? You’d be left with 95% of the childcare and he’d get 5% — and a fun and easy 5% at that.
Really pay attention to this relationship and decide whether it’s what you want in life, before you get married — because any issues you have, marriage and children will _exacerbate tenfold_, not fix.
>Or he is in so much stress and saying things without thinking, I don’t know.
Nah, he knows what he’s saying, don’t make excuses for him.
Don’t marry this guy. If you have been as upfront as it sounds, he’s wasted 4 years of your life and thought he could streamroll into what he wanted eventually. Also, if you haven’t already take full control of birth control because that’s really easy to tamper with.
Don’t compromise on this. I was in a similar situation. I didn’t want kids but my then-partner (now hubby) did. His circle of friends were all becoming fathers and I caved in for him. I love my children but I’ve suffered from post-partum depression, post-partum anxiety, PTSD (from a traumatic labour with our second child), GAD, and severe panic disorder – all of this after having kids. My mental health is the lowest I can possibly conceive of it being. I love my kids but they don’t deserve this sort of mess of a mother. I say to anyone that is unsure about kids or feel they are being pressured: don’t do it unless you are 100% sure. My hubby also doesn’t really have a parental bone in his body. He wanted kids because his friends were all having them. He pretty much leaves everything to do with the kids up to me.
Either way this is all going to end badly, one of you will end up resenting the other. You’ll both be unhappy, then if kids come into the mix they’ll be in the middle of this and that isn’t fare. I think you both need to walk away and find people who have the same views.
You definitely shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to and yes, there could be problems, but the are many healthy mothers living great loving lives with children and husbunds to boot. It’s not all Doom and gloom out there.
His “need” for a biological child is concerning. I fully understand not wanting to adopt because it is a difficult and costly process, but it is a red flag if he would consider a non-biological child lesser than a child who has his genes. Raising a child makes you a parent, not physically creating or giving birth to a baby.
I think this is a dead end for your relationship, but does he actually have a reason for his preference other than “must spread my genes”?
“Plus, we have 3 dogs and he was all lovely at the beginning but now he thinks that they’re too much job.**”**
Not someone you wanna raise kids with tbh
Don’t think going to work but baybe he can try to find a surrogate and egg, you can adopt the child I guess
Well well this is something you should have discussed before getting together. What you can do now is discuss with him in a way he understands you. Otherwise splitting is the only option you have.
This is a very clear _find partners who share your world views_ situation.
You can both be happy, without this stress.
It’s harder to do it now than when you are married. It sucks, I always wanted kids, too in my 20s and to my 30s and due to health problems in the baby making area I realized that I don’t want to have kids anymore, thankfully I wasn’t in a serious relationship so the decicision was only mine. Don’t feel bad about your decision, a lot of kids come into this world and are not loved because someone got pressured into something this person doesn’t want and the kids have to suffer. Don’t get me wrong, I like kids and I adore my godkids, but I wouldn’t be a good mother and needed to get throw a lot to get pregnant especially now I hit 40.
I am childfree. I have health issues that would make pregnancy unsafe, but I also don’t want to be a mother for the same reason you do.
When I date I tell people on the first date that this is firm, and I make sure they understand when we begin a relationship that this will absolutely not change.
If someone says they aren’t sure if they want kids, or they will “do whatever I want” I break it off. Kids are great, and if someone wants them, or is even not sure, then I don’t want to keep them from that.
If they ever ask if I think I’ll change my mind or do anything to try and change it, that’s a dealbreaker.
A child deserves two parents that both wanted them in the world. And people who want kids should get that opportunity.
Engagement is the right time to talk about this. Even though he’s saying he is fine with no kids, he’s not ACTING like he’s fine with no kids. He’s not being honest, he’s trying to change your mind, and you are seeing if you can change it.
It is so much better to break it off now than years later when he realizes he really wants kids.
It’s no one’s fault, your fiance changed his mind, you didn’t. You both did the responsible thing and talked about it at the right time.
If you love him, breaking up with him is the loving thing to do. It’s letting him have a chance at the life with kids that he wants. It will hurt, but doing things out of love can hurt.
My ex used this same excuse to break up. We were already having issues in the sex department and when I finally decided, no – I can’t have kids right now, he used it as an out. Turned it on me, making me the villain in the story because I didn’t want to birth him more kids (he already had one).
Turns out he was cheating on me anyway. So I was only as good to him as my ability to produce offspring and that is not a great feeling to have either. Not saying my situation is the same as yours, they are two completely different people. Just saying be true to yourself and what you want because in the end, YOU are who you have in the end so you need to make decisions on your happiness, and not anyone else’s.
People change their minds all the time. It’s not unusal for it to happen with age or with a serious relationship. So he (in a very normal way) decided he did want kids. If you don’t do him a favor and let him go so he gets what he wants in life. At least you found out before marriage?
You are making the right decision to end things.
It will be tempting in the days and months ahead to wonder why he didn’t love you enough to stay. Don’t. You can’t control what other people do or want. And shouldn’t. All you can do is love him enough to let him go.
I have been where you are and fucking sucks. (Eight years we waited!) It was not easy, but it was right. For both of us.
He either “changed his mind” or he lied to you thinking he could change *your* mind once you were emotionally vested in the relationship.
OP, I’m a childfree woman and have run across guys like this. I held out for a childfree man. You’ll find one. He’s out there.
Further, because you don’t want children you’re not under any time pressure to find someone. Don’t believe the you’ll change your mind bullshit, or the you’ll regret its. I have zero regrets not having had children. But if you do have them when you don’t want them, you’ll have even bigger regrets and you’ll be stuck with kids you didn’t want
its kinda weird that he’s so adamant on a bio kid, you’re not an incubator. I’d flip my shit if my foster mother treated me any different than her other children which she birthed. we’re all her kids and the same in her eyes
I think that if you are not compatible on fundamental things it would be kinder to you both to break up before marriage because it can lead to so much resentment. Not having bio children is valid and you shouldn’t change your mind for someone else. Saying that you mention fear and anxiety of PPD/anxiety and issues during pregnancy. I don’t think adoption is a solution to those. Post adoption depression and/or anxiety is real and common as you are still becoming a parent and adoption brings extra hurtles. The health of the adopted baby/child is not guaranteed either as anything can happen to any of us at any time. Honestly, if you have desire to try to work it out I think it would possibly be best to work out with a couples counselor and a personal therapist. This is not to change your mind about bio kids or adoption, but to make sure you think everything through. Good luck.
“I carelessly told him I would think about it…”
OP, this sentence here, is why your partner is upset. You did lead him on to believe that you would be open to it.
Marriages with 2 people disagreeing about children is a deal breaker. Both people cannot get what they want. A family member went through this. They divorced because his wife wouldn’t have biological children even though she kept saying, it is possible in the future.
I’ll reiterate what everyone is saying on this thread, as a new dad who also didn’t want kids for most of my life, don’t do it unless you are 110% sure you want one.
I say this because my child is my whole heart, but that’s exactly why it’s so hard. I used to say all of the reasons you also mentioned as to why I don’t want kids, but when I met my wife and told her how I felt about it. She basically said you gotta let me know if you’re committed to having kids with me or not. I couldn’t bear the thought of not being with her, so I eventually said yes. Eventually came, and although I love my child, it is by far the hardest thing I have confronted.
I honestly believe if we had the internet 1,000 years ago where people could share their challenges of parenthood, we as a species would have paused having kids decades ago.
It is so rare to find a couple who not completely exhausted from parenting. I genuinely think it is the most exhausting decision you’ll ever make, unless you’re stupid rich and don’t have to worry about money nor babysitting/daycare.
Don’t give into the biological urge to procreate if that’s not what you 110% want. I say 110% because wanting kids 100% is different from actually having them. Once you have them, wanting them isn’t enough, just like wanting to be an Olympic gold medalist isn’t enough. You need to want the countless sleepless nights, the constant irrational worries that loom over you, and the frequent inconsolable crying as if you’re torturing them. The upside is that the dopamine-high you get from having a child makes it “worth it.”
Nevertheless, this is the most *permanent* and difficult decision you will ever make. There’s no undo button to parenthood, so make sure it’s something you *need* more than you want.