My best friend (21F) and I (22F) have been friends for about a decade now. I left the country for a few years but now we’re living not even 10 minutes away from each other.
I planned out a whole nice day for us to spend together. Last time we hung out was because she, quite spontaneously, invited me out to do an activity I had been trying to plan out with her. We used to spend every halloween together. This year, she declines. Sometimes she’ll shoot down my plans because shes sick, but the same day she’ll go out shopping and text me about it. We havent hung out since the start of the month.
The day before the planned day where we’d get to spend some quality time at a nice place and then have dinner together at hers with ingredients I got for us, she sends me a message declining. At midnight, actually, so technically day-of. In that message she acknowledges and apologises for being so flakey, saying it’s not fair to me. She has a good reason, but when every time she declines she has a valid excuse, and it makes it feel… less valid? She then says that we could still do dinner in the evening.
The next day comes and she never contacts me, so I make plans with someone else.
I’m worried. She’s always struggled with anxiety/depression/mood stuff, which I understand. She had a recent hospital trip for her mental health, which she was quite explicit in telling me about. Though Ive tried asserting boundaries about talking to me about things like that without warning, I can’t blame her for the state she was in. She’s also having a lot of issues with her boyfriend of a year, and I’m concerned he’s taking up all her time and energy.
All this to ask how I should go about this. She’s now trying to resume conversation as if nothing happened (cancelled plans, never following up), but I’m honestly quite upset/done with it all. I don’t know how I should approach this situation. Wait for her to reach out and talk to me? Confront her over text? I just miss my best friend.
TD;LR: My best friend of 10 years never makes time to see me. Should I confront her over text, or wait for her to plan something and carry on?
8 comments
“Are you okay? I’m really worried about you. I feel like you’re starting to disconnect from everyone and I don’t know what to expect from you anymore.”
>She had a recent hospital trip for her mental health
Ok, so then this isn’t just someone who gets flaky and blames it on an undiagnosed condition. This is *serious*. People don’t go to the hospital for issues like that unless something really bad is happening.
I understand why you feel upset. You have a right to feel that way. But instead of focusing on how she has hurt you, it might be more productive to try and talk to her about why this keeps happening. Tell her you’re worried, and you’d like to help if you can. After that, my advice is to not make intense complicated plans. Try smaller, simpler, more spontaneous hang outs. The pressure of anticipation might be getting to her.
I knew a woman once who “accepted” every date then cancelled 9 out of 10 on the day of the date. She said “everything sounds great when I hear it but after thinking about it I change my mind.”
Express to her the facts, nothing more. How many times she’s canceled and how you had bought stuff. Tell her you’re telling her this, not to guilt her, but to make her understand that it’s hurting you. Don’t over explain, state the facts and how her actions make you feel – and let her respond.
It appears her mental state is getting worse and she doesn’t find she wishes to hang out. Maybe at the time she feels she Can but Then—–Cancels out when she doesn’t feel like it. Or just wants to be alone to to her own thing or even be with her guy. I would tell her you have a schedule too and it interferes with that schedule when she pulls this. Maybe not too good to depend on her anymore. I do not think she will stop doing it. Perhaps time to find another friend to hang out with. My sister has a best friend who does this. Never can depend on her mental or physical state.
Is she hanging out with other people when she’s not hanging out with you?
If the person and relationship are important to you, I’d suggest adjusting plans so they’re less likely to trigger anxiety/overwhelm on her part, and less of an impact to you if cancelled.
Save your time-sensitive and prep plans for other people. No special ingredients, no tickets, no holidays.
Just make plans to do mellow things that you’d be fine doing solo or rescheduling. Takeout and a movie at home. A walk in nature you’d do with the dog anyway. Invite her to join you to pick out something you already need from the mall or IKEA.
Think about easy low-barrier ways to stay connected until she’s healthy enough for more, while avoiding building resentment on your part.
Maybe don’t make actual plans with her. Just ask her if she wants to join you in something spontaneous that you are doing.