Ok. So we have been together almost 10 years now. We have two perfect amazing children! I love them with literally every fiber of myself. We struggled to have children so now that we do they are just so amazing.
Anyways, my husband makes random comments about how he wishes our daughter was a boy, or how he never wanted a daughter but still loves her. Just has a different bond with our son. I get it… I do. I really had hoped we would have two boys but now that baby girl is here god do I love her! She is sweet and snuggly and Uhg so perfect. My husband loves her too I know he does. I see him kiss her little toes and kiss her head and tell her he loves her but I know part of him still isn’t thrilled.
He also admitted to resenting me when I took a few months off of work to stay home with the kids. (We both agreed on this) he didn’t admit to resenting me until after I started picking up shifts at my work to keep my self licensed.
We fight alllll the time. I get pissed at him when he says dumb shit to the kids or when he bitches that one of them is fussing. He gets home from work and plays Xbox till bed time (he works 7-7) on his days off we can’t do anything on his first day off cause he needs to unwind but we also can’t do anything on his last day off cause he needs to relax before going to work. He has a weird schedule so some stretches are three days and others two days. Meaning that leaves every other weekend. He doesn’t want me to take the kids places without him incase something happens. (Like dangerous) we don’t live in a high crime area but we do live in a high drug area… like out in the woods meth heads but I’m not gonna go to the meth lab with my kids we would go to the park that is in a safe area.
Tonight my son accidentally head butted me and I yelled out “ouch buddy!” My husband snapped at me and told me “enough!” “I don’t want to hear yelling.” I told him he was a douche and walked away. Then when I came back out 20 minutes later he asked our baby “are you grumpy like mommy is?” Like wtf I just got so annoyed.
The worst part is every time I get fucking pissed I just think I want a damn divorce. I feel like it’s like we fight half the time. I LOVE my husband I really do. I just can’t with the bullshit anymore. There are so many more things but I feel like I’ve just vomited my current frustrations. If you stuck around thanks… this is my first ever Reddit post. Maybe someone can talk me down or help me figure my shift out.. idk
33 comments
If possible, I would try to spend some time together, just the two of you. A night or two would be best, but even a full day would work. Have an adventure and see if it reminds yall about how you’ve felt in the past.
I have clients (hairstylist) that talk about growing apart from their spouse after kids, and most of the time they put so much energy into them that they can’t tolerate eachother. A break from the normal day to day might help.
Once y’all build your relationship closer again or feel less hostile towards eachother, it will be much easier to discuss your feelings and opinions with the situation. If you’re both frustrated and tired, it will always be a fight when things are brought up
He’s an immature passive aggressive arse- by your description- so I get it. Look, I guess couples therapy is an option- so you both learn to communicate together. But if he refuses to go or even he does but half ass’s it, then I think separation is valid.
From your description, he’s an abusive spouse and father. Do you really want to raise your daughter in an environment where she’ll learn that daddy wishes she was a boy? His anger and resentment will only get worse, and your children will pick up on it if they haven’t already started to.
It sounds like you know what you need to do, so here’s some validation: Your feelings are completely understandable, you shouldn’t have to be dealing with all of this, it’s okay to leave him.
From what you describe, it’s reasonable for you to want a break from your husband. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t let go of the idea of having a boy, wasn’t pulling their weight with family care/time, didn’t want me to leave the house without them, and started pulling our kids into arguments. I think you need to have a real conversation about what an acceptable partnership looks like and see if he is on board for that. Maybe counseling would be helpful. But it’s reasonable to want to leave with how things stand now.
Either marriage consoling or a divorce lawyer.
He sounds a bit controlling and things need to be his way or no way.
The part about wanting a boy instead of a girl is a common misogynistic trend among conservative/right wing leaning men. That’s unfortunately not something you can fix probably, unless you somehow convince him to do a 180 turn on his whole world view, which is probably not gonna happen, especially considering the atmosphere between you two.
The stuff about him playing games and not having time for you has potential to change. Having 2 kids is a new situation that you both have to adjust to, men sometimes take longer to do so and can be harder for them. Try to communicate to him that you’d like to spend some time with him and try to agree on splitting his ‘relax’ time into doing stuff with you and the games.
This isn’t going to end well.
I think maybe your husband needs to adapt to being a dad and a married dad. These things are different from being married with say just one kid. As they say you are not a parent until you have two kids. Purely because it creates a lot of dynamics that one child doesn’t have. Shared love, shared time and then not withstanding shared time for your husband or wife.
He sounds like he’s still trying to be a gamer single dude.
Take some time away, at a trusted family member or friend. Take the kids. See how he reacts to you spending a while away from him. Personally I’d not be staying with him.
He’s very hateable. I think I might hate him.
Did he explain why he resented you for taking time off with the children? That might explain some of his behaviour.
The other part where he works and then plays xbox and also does nothing on weekends but relax also seems to be that he isn’t doing any parenting. Now this could be an expectation from his family upbringing but the idea that he does nothing and he expects you to do nothing with the children on weekends is very concerning, because you are working as well i expect that the weekends are your time with the children.
You can fill in more details if you need to vent more.
Some advice is to just get on with your life with the children and say that you are taking them out to give him some alone time, or whatever you need to say. Keeping the peace is only going to annoy you more. It feels like a no win situation for you either way.
Leave
1st: was he always this way: wanted only boys, misogynistic, bitter comments under his breath?
Hopefully, the answer is no. If no:
A) check out his medical health stat. Heart conditions, circulation conditions, and early diabetes can cause low blood sugar crankiness or low oxygen dickiness.
Early dementia can also come off as cranky.
B) did the baby and/or you taking time off cause money issues? People are happy to consent to creating money issues but are then butter when they actually happen.
If this, work with your husband in a budget and cost-saving measures that will make him feel more comfortable.
If you have cable and streaming services, get rid of cable for 4-12 months (that’s like $400-800 for just 4 months)
Eat a cheaper meal 2-3x/week.
C) if he’s never been misogynistic and it’s not a health problem, talk to him about girls and fathers. He may be scared. A lot of men think daughters leave. I thought rural China was really sexists. Then it was explained that when the daughter gets married, she belongs to her husband’s family. Unless you are rich, most rural Chinese people can’t afford to make in laws let daughter visit or afford to visit themselves. So marriage is never seeing your daughter again. This affects bonding with daughters greatly.
My point: these are new problems in 10 years- something fixable is probably causing this. You just got to investigate it.
I will tell you what my best friend told me when I said that I just kept thinking ‘divorce’ when my ex acted like an idiot: you are supposed to think he is an idiot or a fool. You are supposed to sigh and tell yourself he has acted irresponsibly, or weird. But if your EVERY thought after every little thing is ‘I want a divorce’ then something is really wrong.
I got the divorce. I am happy with it. In my relationship everything was pretty much focused around my ex’ moods. Was he happy today? Did we say good morning too loud? Did we say it too soft?
We all walked on egg shells.
I am concerned about the fact that you write you cannot go do anything without him, but he needs to relax and therefore will not do anything.
The use of passive agressiveness and talking to the kids to get back at you is also not nice.
So, from my point of view? Divorce him or get serious counselling.
I expected different from the tittle, your husband does some annoying shit for real! Tell him shape up or ship out , some dudes just need a wake up call. If he loves you he will work on himself if not there is your answer.
You think you want to divorce your husband because you do want to divorce this overgrown man child.
After reading the title, I was thinking either post-partum emotions or your rose colored glasses finally fell off. It’s definitely the 2nd one. He is showing who he really is after you had your daughter. It sounds like you let a lot of his bad behavior slide before kids. It’s never good when some says “I love him but…” and lists huge red flags. His behavior won’t get better unless he goes to therapy and work on himself. Which he needs to do plus marriage counseling if you really want to make this work. Either he works with you to make it work or he doesn’t. I think you should work on leaving or be prepared. Keep important documents together and figure out financial stuff.
Couple’s counseling – seriously! He needs to grow up and take on responsibility, and act like an emotional adult to your kids – stop with this immature passive aggressive shit. And he can’t control your movements – you are a coparent, you can take your damn kids to the park or wherever you want to go, you don’t need his permission to leave the house, you are not in Saudi Arabia (I assume).
He sounds really selfish, like it’s always all about him and his wants and his needs – but a family doesn’t work like that when there are young kids involved – then it has to be all about the kids, and he just needs to get over himself.
I also hate him
Always love these posts that are like “why do I hate my husband”
*lists a dozen very good reasons*
Anyway what’s going on?
The fact that he can’t let it go suggests a level of misogyny that I would not allow near my child.
Dollars to donuts he’s having an affair and is trying not to be the bad guy by asking for a divorce, so he’s pushing every button to make you do it instead.
>Why do I hate my husband 5 months after baby?
Because your husband is a douchebag. If you want to work it out then suggest couples counselling but something tells me he’s not the type to agree to that.
With my current husband, every time he acts up I roll my eyes, we have a good laugh and I think he’s a big ol dummy but at the end of the day he’s my big ol dummy and I couldn’t imagine life without this man.
With my ex husband, I had papers drawn up at 6 months in because I couldn’t stand the sight of him. I was so resentful towards him and felt like a roommate that he got to feel up on because “I was his wife”. After we found out the baby we were expecting was a girl, he was so upset that he needed to go out for a drink and my mother in law kept telling me “he’ll come around”. I would take care of our child while he’d go out drinking and he would need his down time to relax when I wanted to take her to the park. I left and never look back. In hindsight, the woman that I am today would never have entertained him but I was in a vulnerable place when I met him.
Only you can figure out what you want to do but I will say, if he doesn’t get his act together the resentment will build.
Your husband sounds like an AH. All his annoying BS comments must drive you crazy. The fact that he keeps bringing up wanting a son sucks. Doesn’t sound like he does anything fun with you on the weekends. Like, what’s the use of him as a husband? To make your life miserable? I don’t blame you for being frustrated and considering divorce.
He is a misogynistic asshole that thinks that women are less. He doesn’t help in the house or with the kids, even though you also work. He is raising your son to be an asshole. He is rude. He cares more about playing XBox than about his family.
>I LOVE my husband I really do.
What part? The part he loves his son more because he has a penis?
Yeah you did him no favours with describing how “good he is with the kids” hes a piece of shit, hits below the belt is already treating his daughter differently bc he places weird hierarchy over what genitals the baby has, naw. I wouldnt even go to counceling with him. Id be gone if that were me. At this point you can try counseling i guess but i know what id do.
He will destroy your daughter if you stay with him and cannot get him to change his ways. She will grow up being told over and over that she is not worth as much as her brother, that she is a failure because she is a woman, and, as she looks like your relationship with her dad, she will learn that a woman is responsible for everything in the home and also has to bring in her share of the money (so a second class member of the family, while boys can take it easy.
One can rather factually say your husband sounds insufferable, unsupportive, controlling, and frankly- incredibly boring. I would feel so stifled and exhausted dealing with him as my life partner.
Just because your husband needs to “unwind” from work or work the following day shouldn’t dictate whether or not you can leave the house.
That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. He also just sounds manipulative and selfish in addition to controlling.
Not sure how these guys manage to convince women to marry them yet alone have children with them.
So, your husband is treating your second child differently because she doesn’t ahve a penis and you think YOU are in the wrong?
Honey, no. Your husband is being a fucking prick. Tell him that this attitude is not ok and you, quite frankly, don’t want to hear about how to birth of a happy and healthy baby, which you should be thankful for regardless of the sex, is some sort of burden to him.
If he’s really that bent out of shape, tell him to go to fucking therapy to unpack why he’s being sexist to literal children.
Your husband sounds incredibly selfish. I don’t blame you for hating him. It sounds like you are finally seeing reality for the first time because he killed your patience and understanding with his selfishness.
You are burnt out from two children to finally see how little he does. You are bored being forced to play by his rules.
You could try marriage counselling, because your marriage is in an awful state, but I don’t know if it’s too late or if he will change.
If he doesn’t change, you can bet that resentment will grow and grow until you two do get divorced.
I cannot handle the casual misogyny in this post. ESH.
Reading this I also hate your husband, so I really can’t blame you.
He doesn’t help you with the kids, was supportive to your face about your maternity leave but secretly resented it, he constantly complains about the gender of one of your children, he gets angry when the kids are being kids, he tries to control you leaving the house… does he have any redeeming features?
I didn’t even finish reading because I got so mad at the gender preference crap. Why tf have biological children if you only want a certain gender?
That is so messed up to me as a mother. They’re people. What’s the difference of having a son or a daughter? How can a dad have a different bond with either?
That’s so messed up. It’s 2022, girls can play ball and boys can do ballet. Your daughter may have similar interests to your husband or you or neither. How can her gender determine what kind of bond she should have with each parent??
This is so upsetting to me honestly. She deserves the same exact treatment as her brother.
When you have young kids, you don’t get to insist on “relaxing” and “unwinding” all the goddamn time. When you have kids you are always on duty. Always. On. Duty. It’s hard, but it’s the reality of having young children.
To me it sounds like you’ve got a third child to take care of. We are talking about a man-baby, not a man.