Hi, I’m 31M and I’m with my 31F for over 6 years. Our relationship is great including sex life, but one thing is missing.
TL;DR My SO is great in bed physically and emotionally, but she doesn’t have “horniness”. Sex doesn’t exist for her outside being during intercourse.
Long version. We both really enjoy our sex life from the beginning of our relationship. We really know what to do to give each other and ourselves great pleasure, but there’s one thing that I miss. Sex to me is not only the physical contact, but mostly that’s what in my head. I sometimes wake up with some “dirty” thoughts and turning them up during the day and then making them come true, even if it’s something small, is extremely pleasant. Unfortunately my SO doesn’t understand that. For her sex is in her head only during the fore play and the intercourse itself, and even then she doesn’t have any sex related thoughts or fantasies. We’ve tried adding toys to our sex life and slight bondage, she enjoyed it, but never wants to use it on her own initiative. We’ve tried dirty talk and role play with even worse results, she couldn’t be serious or she wasn’t interested in talking about it at all.
She knows about this issue, but she thinks it the way she is and there’s nothing that can be done about this. If it is that way is ok, our relationship is good enough to cover this minor problem. But i still have hope that some of you had similar issue and managed to solve it. I’m dreaming about doing some dirty talk with her during the day and then releasing all the pressure at the end of the day. Or just hearing “I want to do this and this”.
3 comments
Man, sorry I have no advice. But I’m literally the opposite of your gf.
I have a super horny mind and a hyper active sexual imagination, I have sexual thoughts that spring up at the worst moments. I need to have a fantasy in my head playing or I can’t even masturbate properly.
And yet during sex I can’t think of anything good, I’ll try to move around but it feels awkward. Sex leaves my mind a bit, I’m preoccupied trying to get into the positions and trying to make things comfortable that sometimes during sex I end up looking at the wall or at the ceiling thinking ‘okay, now what?’
I can’t think of anything good and it’s like every sexual fantasy I would have would just sorta leave the room when my then partner used to kiss me.
It was odd and a bit depressing I’ll admit but I was still having sex so I didn’t think much of it.
All I can say is, having sexual thoughts in my experience never led to much and talking to my ex about sex felt weird, so we never dirty talked. I just kept my thoughts to myself.
I don’t know if that’s her issue or if she’s just wired to see sex in the most instrumental way of “sexy only when doing the sexy, then inner boner gone” as opposed to me that it’s “inner boner likes activating at random, but doing the sexy is odd and inner boner gets distracted”.
There’s such a thing as reactive libido I’ve heard of, look it up if you’re interested. Unless she lands somewhere on the asexual-greysexual spectrum, which doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy sex with you because she apparently does.
Sorry but you can’t force her to change her thoughts. Like she said, that’s just how she is. Just like you thinking of sex throughout the day is just how you are. I’m a 29f and I don’t think about sex throughout the day.
You’re talking about her like this is something that’s wrong with her. It’s not wrong to not think of sex, and I imagine she and I aren’t the only people who don’t think about it regularly.
What’s your guys home life like? Do you have kids? Is her mental load so large that she just doesn’t have time to think about these things?
It’s called responsive desire and it basically means she never will.