So I’ve been seeing a seeing F30 and I’m M29 for about 3 months now and thing on the whole have been great she really gets me and when we are together it’s amazing. However when ever we spend time apart she goes silent this is because she needs time to recharge which I totally get as I have had a close friend since a child who really struggles with anxiety who also needs time away from people to recharge so I am happy to give her this space so that I can see her again when she is ready.
The problem I am seeing arise is that she has been miss reading situations massively the other weekend she came around to my house originally she was going to stay the night as we usually visit each others places like this at the weekend but she told me in the afternoon of the night she was coming over that she would only be coming for the evening and then going home to which I told her was fine and I am happy to see her in what ever amount she feels comfortable with.
we had a seemingly nice evening we chatted alot about her problems and I made her dinner and we then watched some TV together while cuddling she then left and I kissed her goodbye and we said our good-byes she then stood up to leave and looked at me to say why aren’t you getting up I sensed this and apologized walked her to the door and said goodbye again
the following day I messaged her to check she was ok and received nothing she read my messages and didn’t reply so later that evening I sent another message just to ask if anything had happened and too check that she was ok she replied and told me that she felt hurt and that I had been dismissive.
through this conversation she told me that I had looked uncomfortable when she told me about her darker feelings and this had made her feel rejected she also told me that I had rejected her by not getting up right away after we had said goodbye I apologized and told her that i worry about her because I care and in no way am I rejecting her we had talked through her feelings (which is naturally uncomfortable to talk about someone you care abouts darker side of depression).
Through out this text conversation she kept picking up on small things and telling me I was rejecting her she was sending alot of messages and it was hard to reply to them all (I think I missed two messages when replying too one with a long message)this was one of the feelings of rejection she got after several more messages where she mentioned a problem that we have talked about before I tried to open a conversation with her that we have had alot of times about one of her problems (to do with getting the coil implant) and I said in agreement that I was shocked how badly it had effected her she read this as me being dismissive I know she focuses on the granular rather than the whole picture
this was now upsetting me I have been trying really hard to be there for her and have these conversations to help ease her stress but when I try to open a conversation with her about this she tells me I’m being dismissive and don’t want the conversation to which I replied admittedly without thinking you can’t create your own narrative for my intentions as my intention was to talk about her problem and hopefully help her in some way.
She then took this statement as an attack and I can see why I could of done Alot better at wording what I meant but I was very tired and felt upset myself as I’d been giving nothing but support and it was being read as the opposite to my intentions I apologized and told her that we need to have this conversation over the phone or in person because of how important tone is it can really change what something means.
I just don’t know where I stand I feel exhausted and it seems no matter what I do it’s always read as the worst possible scenario. I don’t feel my feelings are being accounted for in this situation as it’s almost like being called a liar when you just want to help.
What’s your thoughts Reddit am I in the wrong I have apologized for my statement and told her what I meant by it and organised for us to have a phone call and talk about it I’m just gutted because there is an amazing woman behind this illness and I feel exhausted constantly having to re phrase and carefully construct what I say because I know she can hang off the smallest miss wording and then take the whole conversation as me being negative or dismissive.
I’ve explained to her that she needs to communicate with me more if she feels I’ve hurt her as it’s not my intention rather than boiling over it all day because she’s usually got the wrong end of the stick and works it up to be way bigger than it is.
How do I get past this?
TL;DR
My partner has depression she Is very present when together but rarley replys when we are apart when we have spent time together sometimes only a few hours in a week she miss reads my intentions as me being dismissive when it’s the opposite I want to open conversations and help ease her stress I show compassion and it is swept under the carpet to focus on one small statement that has been made.
How do I move forwards from this because I care about this woman alot and the woman behind her depression is incredible!
4 comments
You both messed up having this conversation over text.
That aside, it really feels like she takes a lot and doesn’t give back and when you don’t respond exactly how she expects, she assumes the worst and accuses you of dismissing her without even trying to talk about it.
I really don’t think she has adequate communication skills to have a good relationship.
But to answer your specific question, she needs to step up her communication or this isn’t going to last much longer. You are only 3 months in and this sounds exhausting.
maybe she’s not ready to be in a relationship yet. it’s interesting because it’s so clear you’re doing as much as you can, but still feel like you’re not doing enough. your partner is not supposed to be your therapist. depression and insecurity can make you obsessive and your world super small. maybe it’s just not a fit right now. if you break up now while it hasn’t crossed any serious lines you can’t come back from, maybe if you guys take space she will realize what she’s doing to the dynamic (looking for things to fight about, assuming negative intent) and be more aware of how that could make you feel as opposed to how everything you do is a statement on how you’re making her feel, and you could try again when she gets a little more perspective if you both want to. i know that if someone misread all of my intentions as negative i would wonder if they even liked me and if all me effort to show them i liked them would be like pouring into a void. exhausting
This woman needs a therapist like yesterday. She is essentially self sabotaging the relationship because she’s grasping at the straws of self love but instead finding self loathing and then in turn blaming you in the form of rejection. This has codependent written all over it.
She sounds exhausting. If you want to continue this relationship be aware that it will probably always be like this: her expecting you to read her mind and getting upset when you don’t have the correct facial expression and you walking on eggshells constantly second-guessing every small thing you do. This is not a recipe for a healthy relationship- my advice is to move on.