Throwaway account for obvious reasons…
Me (F, 20) and my BF (M, 22) have been together for 8 months. It’s my first real relationship and we’re both pretty anxious. He doesn’t know how insecure and anxious I can get, though, because I internalize a lot.
I see him putting a lot of effort into our relationship, and I appreciate it so much (I’m not verbally affectionate, but I give him tiny gifts, plan dates he’ll like, cook meals). I know I project a lot of my own insecurities internally towards “negatives” (he hangs with his friends without me, follows famous IG models, wants to spend the day playing video games, etc). I’m logical and know wanting alone time or with your friends/hobbies is great because I’m the same way, and I also follow attractive male models and actors, so I never bring any of that up. I don’t ever start fights or name-call, I simply let him know when things he does or says hurts. But sometimes he does have to pull it out of me by asking over and over what’s wrong – which I know is me being immature.
I go to therapy, and I’m aware how my past flings and insecurities manifest into me being hurt. But I want to be the chill, happy, free-spirited girl I am outside of relationships, like how I was at the beginning, but I don’t know how to.
A few days ago we got dinner and he was on his phone most of the time, I let him know when we got back to my dorm that I was a bit hurt he spent the date texting his friends. He understood and apologized, especially because we had been too busy to go on a date all week, but added “I feel as if you’re always mad at me”. This is hardly true, but it made me feel super uneasy. Some days he’s convinced I’m mad at him when I’m really not! I don’t think I ask for a lot – just to not make jokes about dating other girls, or to stop yelling at me, or to be nicer – but whenever I speak up for myself I regret it and end up feeling worse, and tell myself I should just be happy and let it go. Except now I’m so worried he’ll always see me as sad and upset.
My anxiety makes me feel terrible about all of this (maybe even thinking this is unfixable, or all a bigger deal than it actually is). I’m worried he’s exhausted by me, even though I know I’m not asking for much. I think I’m also pretty anxious about relationships in general because my last BF was quick to dump me after I asked him to put more effort into the LD.
TLDR – I don’t want my boyfriend to feel like he has to tiptoe or walk on eggshells around me after I criticize him, but my anxiety makes me feel like things can never be fixed.
1 comment
Not too demanding. Your bf has his own issues but yours specifically, based on what you shared is that you struggle with anxiety, invalidating your own needs/feelings, boundaries and you tend to criticize rather than ask for your needs to be met. And it may seem like some of these issues stem from your past relationship but it’s more likely these feelings were triggered by a relationship that reinforced underlying issues. Chances are these issues were already there to begin with, which wpuld have played a role in you choosing a partner who treated you poorly.
We tend to repeat the patterns of behavior we picked up in childhood. We also tend to be attracted to partners who help us perpetuate cycles of dysfunctional relating that we were exposed to in childhood. Your anxiety could very well be a sign of an anxious attachment style, which again would be rooted in your childhood experiences.