Interested in getting your takes on this one… more to help me move on than anything. TL;DR at bottom.
So I (30M) matched with a girl (28F) on Hinge and we saw each other for two months. Honestly she’s the first girl I’ve been genuinely excited about in a year (lots of first dates going nowhere…). We had 5 great dates filled with laughter, along with hand-holding and light making out on dates 4-5. We also made it clear that we were both looking for long-term relationships on date 2. Things were looking great after our 5th date–she literally texted me the “Lady and the Tramp” kissing GIF and said “no one makes me laugh as much as you do”.
On our 6th and final date, I invited her to a full day of activities (bowling, lunch, painting, ice skating), ending with dinner and a movie at my place. Here’s how it played out…
We meet around 11AM on Sunday and the first thing she says is that she has to leave by 4PM to finish some grad school work. Now this wouldn’t be a problem, but we’d agreed the date would last until around 9PM the week prior, so changing things this last-minute meant half of the reservations I made were wasted. TBH I was a little miffed but I made sure not to show it whatsoever.
The activities we do get to (bowling, lunch, and painting) go well enough, but I notice her body language is a little distant and the conversation, while containing some laughs, isn’t flowing as well as previous dates.
Finally, I bring her back to my place. She takes a look at some books on my shelf and then sits on my couch. I sit next to her and ask, “How far do you want to go today?” with a smile. She replies, “Not very far…” and I say, “Okay, stop me if I do anything uncomfortable.” She giggles and we begin kissing. I am more aggressive than I was in previous make out sessions (moving my hands around her neck and back… though the farthest I venture is a butt squeeze). After about a minute I notice she is not moving her hands at all and I feel we’re not connecting, so I pull back. I caress her hair and face. She says something about having an “average face” and I tell her, “I would not be kissing an average face”.
**This is where I think I may have f-ed up.**
I lean back on the couch with a look of disappointment and say, “This is going slow” (intended as a joke). She responds by giving me the finger–which honestly shocks me a little. I awkwardly say, “Oh… see, that’s what we need more of!” (referring to more passion in her kissing).
It’s now ten past 4, so I walk her out of my building. We end the date with smiles and verbal plans to meet up next weekend, but I can’t remember if we kiss goodbye.
Three days later she sends me the “you’re a great guy, but” text and I feel just awful. I told her I’d be open to talking things out but she hasn’t responded.
It’s now three weeks later and after reflecting on the date, I realize the joke I made may have made it seem like I just wanted sex… she was beautiful but I loved her personality more than anything. I figure it’s far too late to fix this misunderstanding…
My friends tell me it’s unlikely that one bad joke caused her to call things off. I personally am hoping that she just didn’t feel the chemistry was strong enough for a long-term relationship (though figuring this out on date 6 is a bit late in the game). Or she met someone else, or a million other reasons… but I would hate it if she called things off because she thought I was only after her body…
What do you guys think?
**TL;DR**
**Had 5 great dates and 1 mediocre one with a girl. Made an offhand remark on the last date that may have made it look like I just wanted sex… How likely was this a deal breaker for her?**
2 comments
It wasn’t your joke. You even implied that her face was above average.
It may have been your moving quicker than she wanted to move. However, the entire time at your place that day seemed forced and awkward. It was clear that you and her were not on the same page with how far you wanted to go. Also, an interested woman would initiate some, or at least reciprocate, and not just say “not far”. You also mentioned that this date didn’t seem to be going as well as the other ones. I can make an argument that you were better off not inviting her back to your place at all based on that.
I have a feeling that something was wrong much earlier. This was not about giving the impression you just wanted sex. Unless the end of your previous date was you trying to pursue sex, she lost interest in you for some other reason.
What was the joke?
She gave you the finger because it looked like you were blaming the pace of the action on her.
The bottom line is, she wasn’t ready to have sex with you. You plan an all day date culminating with dinner at your place, 100% you’re going to be pushing her for sex. There was no grad work. It was a bullshit excuse to cut the date short, so she wouldn’t be in an uncomfortable situation where she has to turn you down. As soon as she said she wanted to cut the date short, you should have skipped bringing her home altogether, save it for another time.