I am part of a large friend group, I met them durning my freshmen year, and I have a crush on one of the guys there since then. We don’t really talk one-on-one. But he really nice to me in general and when he heard no one was around to celebrate my birthday with me durning summer, he drove 2 and half hours to my town to give me a nice birthday weekend.
Our friend group went clubbing, and me and him started talking and flirting. Then I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, and we went. When we got to my place, we were in foreplay, but I am also a virgin, and the alcohol was fading, so I asked him to stop, and he did. I told him I wasn’t in the mood, and he said that was ok. He didn’t even beg or ask again (which is something guys usually do to me); he just started to put his clothes on. I asked him where he was going and told him he could hang out with me here if he wanted. He kissed me on the cheek, said goodnight, and said that he wanted to meet up with his sneaky link.
I feel so bad for backing out at the last minute. And I feel like I lost an opportunity to be intimate with him.
44 comments
It’s far better to regret not doing something, than to regret actually doing something.
It sucks but sometimes that happens its not really his fault or yours he is allowed to want sex and if thats not what you want that is ok too. There will be other crushes at other times and those will be ok I’m sure at some point.
It sounds to me like everything went right. You aren’t exclusive, so there’s no expectation of that. You asked him to stop and he did. He wants sex and went to get it from a consenting partner. Nobody lied, nobody was unfaithful, everyone followed the rules. Well done.
> He didn’t even beg or ask again (which is something guys usually do to me)
He’s smarter than they are, because it’s not like their approach worked. Probably realized you invited him over for foreplay only once you stopped him from taking things further. Good on him for having a backup plan.
You could’ve had more if you’d wanted it, but you didn’t. He didn’t press the issue and told you he’s involved with someone else. Up to you to decide how you want to proceed from here.
You did lose an opportunity to be intimate with him but you probably still can in the future if you want to be. Maybe just be more upfront about what you want from him.
Mostly agreeing with the comments here But one more point I don’t think anyone has said: saying “I’m not in the mood” probably wasn’t accurate right? I assume the accurate description would have been “I’m a virgin and I want to take things slowly and not have sex tonight”. You’re also allowed to tell him that you only want to have sex in the context of an exclusive relationship, if that’s what you want.
So I think everything played out pretty appropriately given the circumstances. Things heated up, you said you were no longer interested, he was still horny and knew someone who would satisfy at that moment and made it known which in my opinion was putting all cards on the table. I personally am a one relationship person, I always have been. I tend to develop a deep bond with someone and they me and we set a line early in the relationship that we pace things and are exclusive. If I like someone, and they don’t want exclusivity, we aren’t compatible and that’s the end of it.
Your crush, sees you as a link, not a crush. Let him know you don’t just want sex from him and you don’t just want to provide sex to him. If he is with it, great! You can try a relationship. If not, awesome! You can move on
I’m probably gonna get torn apart for saying this but it’s important that you understand I say this purely for your protection
You said “he didn’t beg or ask again, which is something guys usually do to me”
Please be careful how often you’re taking guys home, getting into it and changing your mind
It goes without saying that you should be able to change your mind at any point but the world doesn’t work like that.
Before anyone rinses me for victim shaming that it not what I’m saying at all I’m just saying it’s a good idea to not put yourself in potentially dangerous situations with people you don’t know
This is adult life. Choices matter and the consequences are unpredictable and whichever direction you go, there may be regrets. From an external perspective things went pretty well, everyone respected each other’s wishes and treated each other decently. Try not get hung up on individual events, there will be many more opportunities and choices in your life.
“Not in the mood.” was unfortunate.
Better would have been ” Can we take this slowly? Maybe just cuddle tonight and build from there?”
Hopefully salvageable, make contact, ask if we can try again.
Yeah it makes me think of myself. And needing to communicate early on what I need and want. And my boundaries. I’m wanting to date you not just to have a hook up. I want a relationship. So that’s not what you want then yeah I’m not interested
As I think most guys here will know, getting invited back to a girls house, engaging in foreplay to then be told the she isn’t in the mood is…… I’ll put it politely, frustrating.
Your friend handled this like a pro and was under no obligation to stay.
To be honest, some guys might take it personally and simply see it asif ‘you’ve entirely changed your mind about them’.
Certainly would have floated through my head, and would cease thinking about you at that moment to protect my own feelings. I would give you another shot, but if it happened again you’d be completely written-off in my books.
IF you didn’t want to follow through because you are a virgin, then I would make that very clear before the foreplay. Then this senario is expected.
You’re probably gonna feel very vulnerable with the first person you have sex with. You might want that person to be someone willing to commit to you and not someone who can pimp shrug and head out to the next person on the list.
If I was in your position I’d want my first time to be with someone that cares about me.
That is normal people should behave. You said no, and he accepted. On the other hand, he was interested in having a sexy time so he went to meet up some other girl. No drama, no issues.
It’s understandable you’re in your early career slowly you will learn don’t beat yourself up
You didn’t want the sex, so what’s the issue here? Everything turned out the way you wanted didn’t it? What’s the problem?
He respected your wishes. If you want him to him to “beg or ask again” try telling him that you want to hear those things. Otherwise, a person pushing the issue when someone says no is rape. It’s ok if you want to play coy and have him insist. You just have to communicate.
guy did nothing wrong , actually respected your boundaries. But he made it clear he was still gonna get what he wanted somewhere else, a true city boy
He has given you a clear message that he likes you but is only interested in you as a hookup. You weren’t into that, so he tipped his hat and moved on.
IMO this is a much better outcome than him trying to pressure you, or faking interest until he made it into your pants.
Now you know where you stand and you can decide to pursue him as a hookup or move on to someone who wants more.
No harm no foul – Just boundaries and honesty.
You are allowed to be disappointed your crush wasn’t also crushing on you, but maybe take it slow next time until you know where you stand and everyone is on the same page?
You guys aren’t together. He stopped when you asked. He went elsewhere to get it. He didn’t do anything wrong.
Yep. Man got things to do.
I mean… From the other comments, I get that your exes usually tried to push you into having sex, which is unfortunate… However, this is a bad case of miscommunication on your part. It gets real muddy if you just wasn’t ready or simply expected him to chase further so you could have control of the situation.
He didn’t pressure you, he didn’t act like an ass. He took what you DID communicate with him, and then went to a willing party. If you’re to approach him in w sexual way once again, communicate clearly and drop the little games. He’s not one of your exes – placing the same expectations on him is a surefire way to ensure your relationship will stay right where it is.
I don’t see the problem here?
He didn’t do a thing wrong
Honestly, sounds like neither of you did anything wrong. It just happens. You were the one that asked him to go back to your place whilst clubbing, and you changed your mind once the intimacy started. That’s totally ok, but it’s also totally ok for him to still want to have sex and therefore contact a consenting FWB since you had had communicated your feelings already.
Hahah king 👑
Honestly, I don’t think he did nothing wrong, he doesn’t know you have a crush on him or that you are a virgin so he probably thought this would be just a casual hookup, so his reaction is not that weird. You did nothing wrong either, if you don’t feel comfortable enough to hook up still you don’t have to. But maybe if he knew you were a virgin and had feelings for him he wouldn’t have approached you for hooking up yk, to not hurt your feelings.
Again there’s nothing wrong in this situation, just unfortunate bcs he doesn’t seem to have the same feeling for you than you have for him.
Got to tell you the truth you’re too young kids it might happen further down the line but you also need to understand you’re 19 and 21 this is the top that people have the most sex in their life with multiple different partners so we’re not in the mood when he’s in the mood or vice versa people tend to look in another direction. The top of all that you already said he went to his friends with benefits which means that you already know he’s hooking up with somebody else and you want to put yourself in that position to either get hurt or even worse possibly catching STD. Take care of yourself
I think your ego was blown a little. He respected your boundaries but it sounds like he’s probably didn’t feel as deeply about you as you did him.
You just got used to your exes begging for it and thought that was the norm, but some men won’t do that.
What you did is called teasing and you pretty much lost your shot with the dude, because what you did is frustrating and insulting. Why ask him to go back to your place if that’s what you were going to do?
Yes he could have been a bit more subtle but I honestly would appreciate his clear unfiltered honesty. Do you feel like he did it in a malicious manner to hurt you? Or was it just a casual statement?
I agree with those that are saying be honest with him about your needs and decision not to have sex yet. I would also be honest with him that you where hurt by what he said.
If you like him tell him. He may just see you a friend who might be fun to hook up with. He may feel like you rejected him. He may like you in a different way. You will never know without good communication.
Isn’t this ideal? You didn’t want to have sex and he respected the fact that you didn’t consent. Not only that, he went and got laid somewhere else instead of letting the rejection fester in his mind. Unless he’s in a relationship, I’m sure he’ll be open to it down the road when you’re ready.
I think we should recognise and commend you both for freely exercised your choices and, though it didn’t turn out the way either of you had hoped, you both had the confidence in yourselves and the mutual respect to honour each other’s preferences.
Definitely a lost opportunity to get with your crush, but don’t feel bad. Stuff like this happens at 19 and you feel like shit, but in the longer term these things happen for the right reasons. Maybe you’ll get another chance, or maybe he’s not right for you. Just keep doing what you’re doing!
>He didn’t even beg or ask again (which is something guys usually do to me)
Why are you expecting to be begged? Please be careful. Begging can be 2 steps away from coercion. Sounds like your crush did everything right. He stopped as you told him to, answered your question honestly and left. I think you should wait until you’re able to articulate what you want without expectations of ‘begging’ before you go all the way with someone.
If you genuinely want a relationship with him and not just sex I feel like this probably isn’t the way to go about. He also seems like he isn’t really interested in a relationship or else he would’ve stayed (imo). People said he did nothing wrong, which is totally true, however by acting the way he did it seems like he just wanted the sex. If you are also interested that’s fine, but you say “crush” so I’m assuming you want an actual relationship. And in that case make that clear to him / find out if he is also looking for that. Because you’re not gonna get anywhere by leading eachother on. (You lead him to believe you were fine with sex, and he might only want that thus leading you on)
Just to clarify I don’t think he is an asshole or anything, you just had different expectations. I can understand if you felt a little betrayed that he left you for someone else. But this most likely just means you aren’t really looking for the same thing.
Lost what opportunity? You told a crush you weren’t in the mood. He isn’t a long term partner or even a short term one. After you gave him an indicator that you would be fooling around, you then retracted that (well within your rights to withdraw consent at any time). You gave him very clear information that there wasn’t an opportunity to be had.
This is what happens when men feel rejected. Not being mean but being precise in wording and inflection helps guys. We are efficient and don’t need the fluff. If you need to take it slow tell him. It sounds like the wants and desires weren’t communicated properly. Probably because you’re younger . I’d have saved some relationships if I knew this when I was your age too. Happens to the best of us.
He did nothing wrong.
You could have communicated more clearly your intentions and situation.
Do you really expect him to get blue balled and just want to cuddle (you aren’t even a couple) when he can go get it from his FWB?
>I feel so bad for backing out at the last minute. And I feel like I lost an opportunity to be intimate with him.
You could have worded this differently but on the whole I think you were fine.
Him being explicit about going to go have sex with someone else is pretty gross. I would just leave this situation alone.
Kudos to you for doing what u feel but also to him, he didnt beg u for sex
Starting off with “I’m not in the mood was not the smoothest” vs “I’d like to take it slow”. Not that lm saying that surely would have changed anything.
He did nothing wrong. You’re not in a relationship so he went and got sex elsewhere.
I’d also give him bonus points for stopping right away. I wouldn’t “quit” on him…. btw it’s sad that I just have him bonus points for simply being the minimum of a decent human so I’ll retract that lol
Are you only willing to sleep with him if you feel it’s going to turn into a relationship? If so, ask him on a date and see where it goes.
I don’t see the issue. You’re not exclusive. You didn’t want to have sex and he did. He found someone who wanted to have sex.
Sounds like he was more interested in just having sex, not necessarily sex with you.
He don’t muck around …
Good on him.