Trauma is like a brick wall. I’ve been bullied, deceived, abused, put down and screamed at so much that I feel like everyone will be like that. Im scared to even give someone a passing glance or they’ll assume I’m staring. 20 years of therapy, off and on. Hundreds of hours self-researching psychology, mindfulness tactics, trying to learn how to control my pain. Depression leeches my energy… Anxiety makes me restless, like having too much energy but nothing to do with it.
I get bored and need something to do.. when my mind is not occupied, the trauma comes back. Flashbacks of the things my family screamed at me.. near death experiences, and then my own mistakes, as if screaming at me I deserved to be abused and bullied and walked on because I’m socially retarded. I just don’t fit right… I don’t know how to explain myself and be understood.
I have a delayed emotional response. It takes me a while for words or actions to mean something to me sometimes, because when I get too stressed I go so numb I’m basically a functional robot, moving in slow motion. My whole life people have picked those times to say whatever they want about me, because I’m non-reactive. But no, I’m here, trying to block out the screaming I heard my whole life. Blocking out people’s words and judgements, trying to get to a train of thought that doesn’t trigger my entire fight or flight response. I fight myself because I know my issues make me act out and I know I have poor impulse and poor emotional regulation. It’s not my fault, how can it be? I tried everything to get better. Its the same conclusion.. I just make people uncomfortable. Sometimes I think I shouldn’t be in society but even though I’m socially retarded, I’m still smart and able to work.. smart enough to know I make people uncomfortable. Just too damn socially retarded and traumatized to be the kind of person society expects me to be, no matter how hard I try.
8 comments
I feel this so damn hard. Everything you said. It makes me angry how many of us there are, yet no viable social solution. Our civilisation is so barbaric yet in such denial about it.
How to Heal Trauma Wounds In a Toxic Culture w/Gabor Mate’
https://old.reddit.com/r/TheJimmyDoreShow/comments/yzj7qy/how_to_heal_trauma_wounds_in_a_toxic_culture/
I don’t have any advice. But you are just as valuable as anyone else. You deserve happiness and kindness. I hope you find some peace and someone people you like and who like you.
Are you still getting bullied ? Therapy won’t solve that, stand up and fight back
Be strong friend, give yourself small achievable goals you can work toward, focus on that – you will have setbacks here and there, but you will get stronger, you can do it!
I am so sorry you feel this way. I think it’s BS that there are these unwritten social rules you have to abide by in society otherwise you’re labeled “different”. People that are uncomfortable with you most likely are just not fully comfortable with themselves — they feel so pressured to conform to society that it makes them feel uncomfortable when others don’t also act a certain way.
It sounds like you’ve dedicated a lot of energy into self-work so I don’t want to suggest something you may have obviously tried, but I wonder if channeling all this anxiety and trauma into physical activity might be beneficial? I know for myself, I take dance classes and I get so focused on learning the routine that it lets my brain just escape the anxiety for a couple hours. And I also feel like it’s an outlet for all of the built up anxiety that manifests in my body too, where I feel restless and jittery. I think hobbies can be a great source of confidence too.
Overall though, I definitely know it can be frustrating when you spend so much of your life self-analyzing and researching psychology to figure out why your brain does not operate like everyone else. At the end of the day I think everyone is messed up, it’s just some people are able to hide it better or their issues are more accepted by societal norms.
Look up diverse mental conditions like bipolar, autism, ADHD, OCD and see if you can relate to any. I’m not saying to self-diagnose, but having a clue to later on check with a professional helps.
It should also be noted that trauma responses might seem like symptoms of them while not necessarily having those conditions, but looking up ways diagnosed people navigate them will still help.
You may also need medication for your depression, anxiety and whatever else you might have.
I feel sorry for what have you been through, and I admire your strength.
> I don’t know how to explain myself and be understood.
It’s not that you “know how to explain yourself” – It’s that **people profit by deliberately misconstruing you.** *They* are going out of their way to lie about *you* to make themselves look good in comparison. No one defaults to acting in good faith with people they don’t know; they are always trying to fuck you over unless they think – with their flawed, narcissistic judgement – that you’re more useful some other way.
You need to realize that humanity has declared *war* on you – just as it does to everyone not socially perfect – and that it is an unjust, dishonorable war, where cheating and unfair tactics are the norm. Do not play by society’s rules – society ***has no rules except power.*** You will need to set your enemies upon *each other* so they do not assault you.
I’d wish you good luck, but luck is only bad for us.