I’m on a break from my boyfriend. Things are looking really rocky and we might not last the course.
Throughout the course of our relationship he has praised his first love from 15 years ago from med school and said we are both failures in comparison to her.
It has been a source of torture and pain for me throughout the relationship and a source of multiple explosive arguments where I’ve wanted him to tell me I’m more special than her but it ends with him trying to “console me” by saying we are both failures compared to her.
I have stalked her on social media a lot. I am wondering, if it ends, whether to reach out to her and just ask her about her experience with him (in a non crazy way). I know it ended because he wouldn’t commit and it was so painful that she dumped him.
What do you think? I’d obviously phrase the message in a non crazy way and I would hope she wouldn’t reach out to him and tell him but there’s no guarantee.
TLDR: should I contact his first love, his ex from 15 years ago?
12 comments
Too much work if you ask me. Just let it slide.
I don’t understand why would you want to contact her?! To feed your own insecurities?!
There is no way to frame this in a “non-crazy” way.
I suggest you contact a mental health professional and get your mental health in order, as a priority.
Absolutely don’t. This is 100% your own insecurities, contacting her would achieve nothing at all. This is the psychological equivalent of you scratching an itch but it’s not getting better, you’re just digging and digging. If you and your boyfriend break up, process that itself, don’t dance around it by thinking his ex will give you some magical insight. Look forwards, not backwards.
No.
Some people idealize their former partners, because they have a selective memory. It happens often when somebody did not have a proper closure, was not the one who broke up, feels some guilt because of previous behavior etc.
Let it be, its not useful in any way to contact her. If you two are compatible or not does not depend on how good or bad she is.
No don’t drag this woman info your insecurities. She’s probably long forgotten about him and moved on with her life.
There is absolutely no way to frame this message without coming off as crazy
There is no non-crazy way to do that. It’s the past and she’s moved on. Sounds like your bf hasn’t though. No one should be constantly bringing up and comparing partners to their ex. If it were me, I’d extend that break permanently, not just for always talking about the ex.. but actually calling me a failure because I’m not where she is. That’s rubbish treatment.
>I am wondering, if it ends, whether to reach out to her and just ask her about her experience with him (in a non crazy way).
This way does not exist
there is no non-crazy way to do this. it doesn’t matter what her experience with him is because yours is him calling you a failure in
comparison to her. and not to mention himself too. he literally thinks he’s a failure and thinks he’s worthy of dating you. excuse me what? who is we, baby. you should have been like “we? omg i didn’t know you speak french” this throw tomatoes worthy. walk away with your head up and you can be the next ex who he’s a failure in comparison to lmao. just kidding kind of (i’m not) you can do better. your next catch (who thinks you’re a winner) awaits.
No, what do you think you can actually gain from this? If he is comparing you to a former partner, that’s not fair at all to you. All you need to do is be yourself, if he can’t accept you the way you are, then you shouldn’t be together.
I think you need to get off social media and get into therapy.
I don’t think there is a non crazy way to reach out to your ex boyfriends ex girlfriend from 15 years ago.
All that you’ll get out of it is this ex girlfriend thinking that both you and your mutual ex boyfriend are both nutty.
Even if there was a rational and socially acceptable way of reaching out, what purpose could you conceivably have for doing this? Debriefing their relationship woes and why they broke up would be pointless – it was 15 years ago. Whatever was going on then has little relevance for what is going on now. Do you want to commiserate with someone who also had a bummer of a relationship? Fine, have a complaint party with some friends.
Leave this stranger alone.