My (28F) boyfriend (28M) of a year is not generous with money. He comments on how meals are expensive even though it’s just a regular restaurant we went to. We had a talk about it and he said he doesn’t want to feel taken advantage of and if he was then he would notice. We’ve been alternating with paying and sometimes even paying for ourselves. It’s a massive turnoff for me when we pay separately because it’s like we’re not even on a date. Also his comment about how he’d notice if I were taking advantage makes me feel like he is keeping tabs and it’s exhausting having to be careful about it. He is now trying to be more conscious about picking up the tab more, but I feel guilty when he does it. Because I know it’s not what he wants. He doesn’t want to be a provider.
I realize it just comes down to fundamental differences. I feel unloved because he’s not even wanting to spoil me a little even though I’ve surprised him with food and gifts. He’s gotten me little gifts like chocolate bars but for my birthday when we had been dating for 6 months he got me some snacks while grocery shopping. It’s so thoughtless and cheap. I don’t expect hundreds but it doesn’t make me feel good that he just picked up a few things randomly. At least be thoughtful instead of grabbing whatever he saw while checking out.
There’s good to him too otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed for so long. I appreciate that he’s always willing to work on things. But I want to feel taken care of and finances are a huge deal to me
I don’t know if I’m being too much of a princess but this is how I feel. Every girl ive talked to has said that it’s a turnoff if the guy is cheap.
Tldr: boyfriend is cheap and doesn’t want to be taken advantage of financially. I feel like because he doesn’t want to spend money on me he doesn’t love me. Also we have fundamental differences when it comes to relationship dynamics.
31 comments
It doesn’t matter what it means for him; it matters what it means for you. If you want a relationship with someone who is giving and thoughtful and generous, this guy isn’t that. It doesn’t make you a princess or a gold digger to want to be treated a certain way.
He’s not the man for you. Not my type of guy either, but I’m sure some woman would be okay with him. That woman just isn’t you and that’s 100% okay.
He sounds like a really good male friend…instead of your boyfriend imo. Don’t settle.
run! hes a money controller and im betting hes controlling in other areas too.
It means he’s fucking cheap. That would turn me off too, and I’m not the kind of girl who needs lots of presents. You can be responsible with money without going full Scrooge. And saying he doesn’t want to be taken advantage of heavily implies that he thinks you would take advantage, which is incredibly insulting.
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It’s not just cheap, it’s the suspicious element that creeps me out. He sounds very transactional and like he assumes women are users. Imagine a future and what would happen if you have kids. He doesn’t sound like he had a generous heart, that’s a lot more than being cheap.
It is a turn-off. He doesn’t have to spend hundreds, but flowers aren’t that expensive since he was already at the grocery store. I love when my husband runs to the store/gas-station and comes back with a candy bar. It’s the little surprises you don’t ask for or expect. You don’t want to have to tell him to do it, you want him to want to.
Why is it a massive turn off to pay separately or trade off who pays? Do you feel like a man should pay for dates?
I think the only real complaints are his constants “taking advantage of comments” and not getting you a proper gift for your bday. Maybe he didn’t wanna get you something really expensive cuz you’ve only been together for 6 months, but even flowers and a card would’ve been nice. Talk to him about it and let him know you like thoughtful gifts- don’t focus on the money aspect but the emotion and thoughtfulness.
Splitting the bill on a date rubs me the wrong way he should pay for you sometimes and others you pay for him. But if you’re expecting also snacks shouldn’t count as a birthday gift lol I’d feel a little disappointed if my girlfriend got me a bag of gummy worms for my birthday 😂 it doesn’t mean he’s not into you though he could just be a frugal guy. But if you’re expecting him to take the role of a provider/protector then you gotta take yours to. Are you cooking and cleaning for him?
He’s either stingy and doesn’t see the value in over spending on certain things in which he sees no value and/or his love language is not the same as yours.
He might be willing to spend big on something practical but finds dinner out and small gifts frivolous. That might not change.
Research the five love languages and figure out if it’s a simple mismatch here.
If I were him I’d find someone that more closely resembles his views on finances.
I completely understand why that would bother you, hearing the person you’re with complaining about being taken advantage of and not even caring enough to want you to have something special and it definitely puts off weird vibes
In the big picture, you guys sound like you’re incompatible.
I personally wouldn’t mind a frugal guy. I’m frugal too, and I’d probably match his habits. If that’s not what you want, feel free to look for another guy who’ll give you what you want. Just be careful, as with money, certain expectations might arise.
Have you talked to him about how he’s thinking about dealing with the financial aspects during marriage? Would he be willing then to share income and expenses? What if his income increases? I imagine if he’s making a somewhat decent income, but he still has student loans, or a car loan, that he’d have to stick to a budget. He might not be so frugal if his income would increase 50-70%.
I think you need to have some deeper discussions, not just “he’s not picking up the tab often enough”.
Your boyfriend needs therapy. He doesn’t sound like he respects women, and views relationships as transactional. These types of men don’t know how to work as partners. I would cut things off. He didn’t even buy you a birthday present, dude. I guarantee he wouldn’t be treating his dream girl like that….
I prefer men who like to make women happy with actual real birthday presents. Why be with a man who makes you split every bill when most men are happy to take you on a date? Sounds like he is cheap and that behaviour is totally off putting.
You don’t need money to be a generous person.
My boyfriend surprises me with my favorite chocolate bars all the time and they’re like 60 cents.
I like making coffee for him in the afternoon.
We are both giving people, it’s our personalities.
Have you seen how prices of food and shelter and other things have risen? In a YEAR? Ask yourself Why? Everyone is complaining of this. He notices it and is frugal because of this. Or could be HIM by Nature….. I do not see a problem being in a relationship after all of this time with going Dutch in a restaurant. If he wants to pick up the Tab, Tell him it is up to him but no pressure. Stop doing so much for him for those special occasions. He is only doing what he wants and can afford. This is the guy you have chosen. Sad, But he is not splurging. Maybe it is time to find someone who can and is willing to? It is always the thought that counts.
I’m confused, he pays sometimes and you pay sometimes, or you split it… How is that being cheap? If that’s him being cheap, going equally, then that surely makes you cheap too? He is cheap for not paying 100% but you’re not cheap for not paying 50%? Lmao.
Maybe I read it wrong. In that case I’m sorry. If I read it right though, you seem entitled and way more cheap than he is.
How much is his salary, you can’t call someone cheap if he already struggle with money. For me someone who spend hundred of dollars per day for you but makes 500k/year can be called cheap. The fact he’s not spoiling you taken alone does not meand he’s cheap
This POV only exist in America and the Uk to some extent. More Traditional women everywhere else in the world understand if you want a man to provide for you, and spoil you. There has to be a trade off.
Nothing is free. Since equality now exist, women can provide for themselves. They are independent. Career women, and traditional men need not apply. Masculinity is been severely demonized, diminished, and devalued in America and as a result you have a generation of “transactional” 50:50, feminize males. It is truly sad really.
Chivalry has truly been lost and her boyfriend see’s no reason or advantage to offer her anything different. He probably does not even open her door, or makes sure she gets into the house safe when he drops her off at home.. truly sad 😔.
Maybe he is careful about money and is saving up towards a house or car?
Or he was raised in a tight household?
Talk to him about it
Yeah he doesnt like you, but why do you even like him
>he said he doesn’t want to feel taken advantage of and if he was then he would notice
I mean, most people are concerned about that but not to the point of assuming that everyone’s out to scam them. Dude’s really cheap and overly paranoid, and you’re not a “princess” for wanting the bare minimum.
>his comment about how he’d notice if I were taking advantage
>I appreciate that he’s always willing to work on things. But I want to feel taken care of and finances are a huge deal to me
Have you never talked to him about how insulting he’s being by implying that you’re biding your time until he lets his guard down so you can trick him? And you just KNOW that he’s keeping a mental tally of what he’s gotten you.
>I realize it just comes down to fundamental differences.
A difference that makes you feel “unloved”. So why are you still with him, if you don’t feel loved in this relationship? He may be nice otherwise but finances are a big dealbreaker and the reason for a lot of animosity and eventual breakups.
It’s all down to the individual. This relationship wouldn’t work for me personally. I can afford to treat myself to better things. I can afford to treat my partner to better things. So I deserve and I’ll demand the same level from them, especially if I know they’re capable of it. I’d personally just leave.
It also doesn’t seem like it works for you.
Man, what a huge turn off. I’m not into gifts at all, but he’s more like a Scrooge than a financially-responsible guy
He’s transactional and feels easily taken advantage of. He should be in therapy not on dates imo lol.
I don’t think he’s not into you. I just feel like…. He’s not your guy and while he’s nice, many guys are nice and probably better for you.
He sounds cheap and accusatory, not innocently frugal or anything like that. Do you want to be with someone like that? And no, your love and patience will not change him. This is who he is so believe him and decide what you can live with.
This is valid honestly. I get being frugal but his fear of “being taken advantage of” is honestly tacky. It’s okay to want someone to provide with you, but if he doesn’t want to be a provider I think that’s a huge fundamental difference. A guy can be great in all other aspects but if he’s not checking off one of your biggest boxes I can see resentment forming eventually.
Do you spoil him? I get the impression you think he should pay more because of his gender. In which case you should get over it
Relationships should be a matter of give and take, not everyone naturally gives financially, but I would take a look at your relationship and see what he is giving up for you, and if it’s nothing then I personally wouldn’t feel satisfied or secure in such a relationship