I (F33) confronted my boyfriend (M32) of 6 years today. We have been living together for 4 years. He has been indecisive about committing for 2 years. He was always saying the relationship was not good enough, and there were things we needed to fix before taking new steps.
Since I am not getting any younger and getting pregnant after 35 becomes harder I asked him today “If I were to ask you today if you would you have a kid with me next year, what would you say?”
He said no so I broke up. He said he’d rather keep working on the relationship until he feels it is stable enough for having kids. I don’t think I have that time, did I do the correct thing? Should I keep trying?
Tl;dr: My boyfriend of 6 years won’t commit, did I do the right thing in breaking up?
27 comments
Yes, you took action in someone whose goals did not align with yours.
You probably did do the right thing.
You did the right thing, imho. It is difficult for him to understand what that ticking clock means to you and your desire to be a mother. If he can’t commit at 6 years and 32 YO, I’m afraid he doesn’t look like the committing type to me. I hope you find a like-minded partner and raise a beautiful family together.
You are correct. Open-ended projects like “I need to work on myself / the relationship,” after six years, mean, “I have no fucking clue what I’m doing in this relationship. It’s a bus without a steering wheel for me.”
What exactly has he done in the past 2 years to fix all the problems that he things there are?
If things haven’t been fixed in over 2 years. More than likely. They will not get fixed.
Time to leave.
Yes you did. If he isn’t ready/mature enough to commit after 6 years then he’s never going to be. Ultimately if you believe your future happiness is in being a mother and in a family, then you need to do what’s right for you, not wait for never with someone who can’t/won’t grow up.
I hope you find that person and grab the life you want.
Has he ever, in the 6 years, really put into words what the problems were? Or is it just that every time you try and escalate or deepen the relationship he alludes to this vague need to work on things, that he’ll get back to you, etc etc.
Because if he was serious you’d be in therapy, you’d be working on things. It wouldn’t be a mystery what needs to happen, you’d have an idea of what exactly it is he is so worried about.
As it stands it just seems to be a more general worry. He likes a relationship but part of him, even 6 years in, still has a wall up by the looks of it.
At least he was honest. You don’t want to have a kid with someone who doesn’t want one. He could have lied just to keep you around and then proceed to be a terrible father.
Yes. You’ve waited 6 years, time to move on. Not only is having a baby more difficult at 35 but also more health risks to you and the baby. Men don’t think about this but it’s very serious and we need to make those decisions now for ourselves.
If he doesnt know after 6 years he isnt going to trust your instincts 1
You’re justified in breaking up. He sounds afraid to commit. But having kids because you “don’t have the time [to wait]” is a horrible reason to have kids. They are children not coupons. You don’t get them just because the offer will expire. Preferably you should wait until your financially and emotionally ready to have kids.
You absolutely did the right thing. He is going to always find something that needs to be “fixed” in your relationship.
You want babies? Well, there is someone out there who wants to be the father of your children… Find him.
I wish you all the best.
You waited 6 years to do something you should have found out in the 1st date?? lol… Not even that, you didn’t even ask for marriage?? lol… You need professional help.
hes a time waster. please leave him behind.
If after 6 years he’s still being indecisive about committing and saying it’s not good enough. Then that alone is enough to dump this waste of a time garbage.
You don’t string along for 6 years.
I feel like if you’ve been together for 6 years, living together for 4, and you still don’t think your relationship is ready for commitment, its time to accept that this relationship is not a viable relationship.
Unless you just want something casual long term I guess.
You did the right thing.
Nobody can guarantee if you will ever have kids, but at least you guaranteed yourself that you won’t get left by this jerk for some other woman that he sees as the “right” partner for himself. That’s what a majority of men who are “not sure” about their long-term partners even in their 30s end up doing.
Yes – he’s not the one. Move on. You can also have kids without a partner or egg freezing (it’s something to think about).
I personally think you should have ended the relationship earlier. He was comfy and had no plan for the future.
I don’t feel like the comments here are fair on both sides.
Yes i think she made the right decision, but you should never have kids just because you want them.
Perhaps he did not feel like he could financially support a family on his own.
I myself waited longer than my partner wanted. However now we have our own home and i feel far more comfortable knowing my family wont grow up in a stressful environment.
There needs to be some elaboration as to why he has decided against it instead of assuming.
Your first problem was not asking this and getting married after 2 years. I bet he will be married to another woman in one year.
It’s six fucking years, yes you did the right thing. Fuck, my husband and I had our first kid at the five year mark. What’s to infinitely work on?
strung you along for 6 years, wasting your time. He’s the same kind of guy who doesn’t want to commit then Marries & start having children with the next person he meets!
Ya, sound like he is not comfortable with kids at this time and you want kids.
You’re at the end of the road for a baby right now at 33. You think you’ll meet someone immediately and they’ll wanna have a baby? Unlikely so you gotta assume you’ll be 36-38 before you get going on a baby with someone. Get OUT IMMEDIATELY. and get to work on meeting someone new. He’s never going to feel it stable, it’s excuses.
​
Get out and I would go cold turkey not speaking to him. I hope it works out for you but if you want to have a baby, get away from this guy you wasted 6 years with.
6 years is a long time to keep deciding. If good, yes. If not, no. Obviously your goals aren’t on the same page
Just sounds like he didn’t want to commit period if you and him have done nothing to work on the relationship and that his goals didn’t align with yours. Just go find someone who is reliable, wants to commit, who can provide for themself and the family and wants kids.
You don’t water a dead plant