Before husband and I (both 33) were married and even after our first kid, we thought we would have anywhere from 3-4 kids. But after the two we already have I really just feel done between my own energy, not wanting to be pregnant again and finally getting my body back, two kids (1F and 4M) who mostly get along, and largely, FINANCES. But he is still set on at least one more and thinks we can make it work because his parents were poor and “made it work” with 6 kids.
Husband and I grew up in very different financial circumstances. I grew up upper middle class, one brother, good public school, etc. My parents were never visibly worried about the essentials (food, mortgage), were able to buy my brother and I our first cars (albeit used), went on “plane vacations” every couple years and driving vacations every year, and I didn’t have to take out loans to go to college between scholarships and the amount my parents saved. They were also in a position to retire around 65. The only thing we really wanted that my parents couldn’t provide was travel sports.
This sounds awful because my husband’s parents and siblings are great – but they had more kids in that house than they could afford. There was a period of time where they were on government assistance. His parents are in major credit card debt and will never be able to move because of it. All six of the kids have 6-figure student loans, minus his two brothers who went military (mostly because they were poor and not strong students). Each gender of siblings had to share a room (3 kids per room with large age gaps in some instances) in a 3-bedroom/1.5-bathroom house. His oldest sister was parentified from age 8 to help with the younger kids. In childhood or highschool, they couldn’t do activities outside of what was provided by the school. His parents will work part-time jobs in their retirement. But they all love being together as a big family, and my husband loves that environment and refers to it as controlled chaos.
I do not want to raise my children to end up with anything less than what I had. Ideally, I want them to have MORE. I want them to pick whatever college they want to go to, to be able to pay for travel sports if that is what they care about, etc. I especially want them to not owe a $1500 bill every month to pay back college and be able to pursue a lower-earning field if they want to, and not just doctor, engineer, businessperson, lawyer, etc. just to pay their bills. However, if we are putting food on the table and from the outside are a “big happy family”, that is succeeding to my husband.
We are both engineers and he feels that because we are higher earners, we can easily afford more children. We make $160k before taxes in a MCOL city suburb. However, we’ve run the math, and after the two daycare bills we are paying now, two kids 529 plans, our own retirement savings, taxes, and our other expenses like groceries and utilities and other bills, we have about $1000 leftover each month (and sometimes we dig into it quite a bit between healthcare, growing children needing clothes, family outings, etc.). Not enough to even pay for a third kid’s daycare. I will also need a new car in a few years (currently mine is paid off so only one car payment). Moving for a cheaper mortgage isn’t really an option either. We have a 3-bedroom 1300 sqft home in a good school district (haven’t seen any options we’d like to live in for less than we’re paying now). Husband suggested waiting until oldest is in kindergarten next year, but it still seems like we’d pinching pennies moreso than I would like to, as right now we have a bit of a buffer. A third kid would all but deplete it and make future activities for existing children (and us as parents) a lot less likely to be attainable. Plus, I’m kind of excited to get a little financial “freedom” back after the daycare years are over.
Has anyone else had this difficult argument?
TLDR: He keeps saying “every boy deserves a brother and every girl deserves a sister.” I know parenting requires sacrifices; however, I do not want to be “kid-poor” in the sense that some people are “house-poor” either, if that makes sense. Before anyone asks, we’ve also run the numbers to become a one-income/one SAHP household, and we’d be worse off than continuing to pay for daycare in the early years. But I also don’t want husband to resent me as I originally wanted more kids.
8 comments
It’s not an argument I’ve ever had the ‘pleasure’ of having but I just wanted to validate your perspective as ultimately more sensible and also reject your husband’s notion that every girl deserves a sister – my relationship with my sister is a mess, we spent our childhood bickering and haven’t spoken in years. The fact that we both have vaginas has not proven to be enough in common to bond us closely for life or whatever, that’s kind of dumb.
Kids are a two yes, one no scenario. If you don’t want to have any more kids, that’s pretty much the end of the disagreement.
I would be deeply disturbed by the sexism inherent in the view that every boy deserves a brother and every girl deserves a sister, but also, without artificial insemination and choosing your embryos, how does he actually intend to make that happen? Adoption would be best, actually with that view. But even if you use either of those methods, what if the kid turns out to be trans? How many kids do you have while trying to make sure you have at least two of each gender? That’s such a disturbing view of parenting.
>He keeps saying “every boy deserves a brother and every girl deserves a sister.”
So then he’s gonna make you go for 4? And keep trying til you get 2 of each? Because if that were his main argument (to be clear, it is a ridiculous one), then 3 won’t cut it.
I know someone who has 7 siblings. Guess how many she speaks to? One. Occasionally. She wishes she were an only child. The point is, you can’t create new humans to fit some weird storybook picture of family you have in your head that is completely divorced from reality.
That decision requires two enthusiastic yeses, or else it’s a no. So it’s a no-go.
Have you actually talked to him and told him that you don’t physically want to have more children? Because honestly, you’re the one that has to deal with all of the physical pain, changes, stress, and health issues that come with pregnancy. You have to give up your body for many months, and then take care of the aftermath.
It may be slightly unfair for me to say, but he does NOT get force having another child on you just for the sake of having another. It doesn’t even make sense financially. Having to scrape by every month because he feels he needs more kids is incredibly irresponsible.
I would think that growing up on the poor side, he shouldn’t want that for your children. I wouldn’t want that. Having that extra cushion financially is so important. Wouldn’t it be nice to afford a trip to Disney? Or anything, for that matter? Why does he insist on working like a dog to scrape by just to have more children?
I strongly suggest you don’t do it.
> But after the two we already have I really just feel done between my own energy, not wanting to be pregnant again and finally getting my body back
Unfortunately for him, that’s the conversation about natural birth, done.
I have had one kid and struggled with my physical and mental health quite a bit since. And my partner and I really want more children. But he’s said from Day One of this journey that if I don’t want to give birth again, then he would be disappointed, but would understand. Yours needs to as well. This isn’t really a compromisable thing. If you physically are not prepared to do it again, then the conversation needs to shift to if adoption, surrogacy, or fostering are options either of you are open to.
Finances aside of course. My point is feel free to back yourself on the non financial side of this conversation.
**Also “every boy deserves a brother and every girl deserves a sister”. You realise what he saying there, right? He’s saying four, minimum. Not three. He’s saying four kids, since you already have a boy and a girl.**
What’s your limit? If you’ve reached it, you’ve reached it. Couples counseling is what’s going to help you through this and prevent resentment building, if you both want to try and work through this.
Either way, definitely beyond Reddit’s paygrade for this one.
Maybe tell him about the physicaland energy aspects. The money thing can be negotiate and made to work, but if you are a no because you dont want to be pregnant again and just dont want another kid, say that. Theres no argument there, its a fact, and kids are two yeses one no.
> He keeps saying “every boy deserves a brother and every girl deserves a sister.”
My sister and I grew up with 4.5 years between us, and our relationship is complicated. The age-gap was large enough throughout our childhoods that we always felt like we were in completely different life stages, and there was a lot of resentment either way (I resented her for always needing to be taken care of, she resented me for acting like a third parent). Plus our personalities were/are so different, we spent most of our lives frustrating eachother (I was a noisy child, she thrives in silence, our childhood was fuuuuuuuun).
It’s only now that we’re adults that we’ve found our common ground, but even now we need lots of space from eachother. We love eachother, but we are proof that sisters don’t always become best friends or make eachothers’ lives better.