My (37/m) wife (37/f) of 5 years, partner of 12 years, is not sure that she wants to stay married to me.
A little background – our relationship began not long after I wrote my phone number on a receipt as one of her customers as a waitress. She had a serious boyfriend living with her at the time. She told me this, we texted on and off for quite a while, ultimately ended up hanging out and she left him.
She was previously married before said boyfriend, and cheated on her ex husband with his best friend before divorcing.
She was up front about all of this very early on. She used to tell me that her favorite feeling in the world is the feeling of butterflies that happen when starting a new relationship. She said that she’s chased it for as long as she could remember and moved on when the infatuation was gone.
Our relationship had been amazing, we had 3 kids, got married, moved into a house. We like all of the same stuff. I’ve never met someone whose mind works so closely to the way that mine does. We’ve talked about that often.
However, her feelings have changed. Marriage with kids can be very stressful and mundane, becomes more of a daily commitment/choice a lot of days than a flowery, happy time, as I’m sure many of you know. I haven’t made that decision any easier. I used to drink too much. Stopped, restarted and hid it from her, she found out, stopped again. That cycle a couple of times.
I’m now completely free of alcohol and will stay that way for the rest of my life. It’s not for me. It’s hard for her to believe that, and it hasn’t been long enough for her to feel comfortable or to trust me, understandably so.
At any rate, after a lot of feeling that something was wrong, confronting her about it, and a lot of talks subsequent nights, she told me that she had feelings for someone that comes into her work. Apparently, not reciprocated feelings, she found out. But her mind is now on the idea that their could be something better for her than this.
When she finally told me, I basically said I want this, but I want her to be happy. So I would do anything I could to make both of those happen, but if she decides not to stick with me, I can’t change her feelings and I will continue to be the best friend to her that I can and to be a great dad to our boys. Easier said than done.
After that talk, 4 nights ago, things have felt really good. I’m getting hugs, kisses, I love you’s, more than we’ve had for a long time. I optimistically began to feel like maybe things were getting better.
After going to a couples counselor today (1st appointment) and some subsequent conversation, it all came rushing back that this still isn’t what she wants. She’s said that she “wants to want this”, but is being honest and telling me that she’s not sure that she does.
It’s hard for me to know how much the reason for that is that I’ve pushed her away with my actions, or the fact that she just is someone who maybe wasn’t meant to marry someone else, as she thrives on infatuation, seems to really need it to be a happy person, and just isn’t able to really kick that and commit to someone. It’s easy to look at that as being selfish, immature, etc. But it’s VERY mature for her to be coming out and telling me honestly, and I can’t force her to want something or be willing to do something that she doesn’t or isn’t.
The plan for now is to continue weekly counseling, continue communicating openly about how we’re feeling (which is new for us honestly when it comes to such negative, upsetting things), and see where we end up.
In the meantime, I’m a work from home dad with four boys to take care of, and I’m having a really hard time both working as much as I should and being the dad I’m usually able to be for them. I’m having to sneak away often so that they won’t see that I’m upset or crying. They’re spending more time on electronics because I’m really struggling with being as present as I usually am, especially in the evenings. I homeschool them during the day with help from their grandma, and that’s still going okay.
I also don’t know if I’m just being naive thinking that this is going to work out. Part of me worries that the fact that she is to the point that she’s feeling that she might want a divorce, talking to other people of interest, especially with so much on the line for the kids and us financially, it’s a pretty big deal and her mind may be made up.
Thanks for any advice you all may have for me. Really tough navigating this, and I don’t have a lot of people to talk to. Take care.
7 comments
The fact that she wants to want it is a good sign. She wants to feel desired. That’s what the infatuation is about. Do you remember when you used to make out and grope each other, couldn’t keep your hands off each other but didn’t always go right to sex? That’s what I always want when I’m feeling that way. I want my partner to talk about what’s attractive about me, the way it feels to be with me. There is a lot of hope here left for you. All you need to do is step up. If you try something and it doesn’t work, don’t give up. Try again, ask her what she needs and give it to her. I think a lot of women feel this way but it doesn’t mean that they CAN’T be in a committed relationship. They just need novelty. Have you ever talked about some fantasy or something that you always planned on doing some day but never got around to? Now is the time. Remind her of the person she fell in love with. You can do this.
So, you were the homewrecker when you guys originally met, and now you’re shocked that you’re no longer exciting enough for her. You’re not very bright, are you?
First, let’s step back. You both deserve credit for going to counseling. You both deserve credit for finding the strength to be honest with each other, no matter how hard it is. It may not feel like it right now, but you guys are on the right path. I don’t know if that path ends up with your together or apart, but it ends with you two finding an emotionally healthy way to get there, which is what’s best for your both and your kids.
Cut yourself a little slack here too. These moments are emotional. You are going to be upset. You are going to cry. That’s ok! You are going through an incredibly emotionally difficult experience, it’s ok to have emotions around it.
So, what to do? First, keep doing what you are doing. Keep going to counselling together. Keep having the hard conversations. Next, increase your selfcare. Find a therapist for you solo, to help you process and deal with all of these emotions in your own setting, along with the couple’s sessions. Cut yourself some slack for needing some time to be emotional, and even have a bit of space. See if grandma can pitch in a little more to help give you a bit more time to yourself as well. Dig back into a hobby. Have coffee once or twice with a close friend you can confide in during this time. Don’t worry too much about your kids getting a little bit more screen time than usual. An hour of extra screen time for a few months is better than having a home full of parents deep in depression.
You are doing the best you can. Keep doing that. Add in some care for yourself. I don’t know if she will stay or go, but taking care of yourself will certainly make you a more attractive partner, and a dad your kids will proud of no matter what. Good luck to you all.
You married a cheating liar. What exactly did you expect?
Honestly it sounds like she hasn’t changed much from 12 years ago. I bet she would be ready to leave you if that guy from work returned her feelings but since that fell through now she wants to work on the marriage. If that’s the kind of life you wanna live, constantly worrying that your wife has found a shiny new toy and will replace you then fine. But I think you deserve better than that. And your kids deserve to see their parents happy and not just clinging together for the sake of it. Unless she puts in real work to change then I don’t see how it can work out. Even if you manage to get back the feelings of butterflies again what happens when they fade away again? Will her eyes linger? Will she just get bored and decide to divorce anyways?
Make the best decision for yourself and your kids.
Damn dude, gotta agree with some of the comments here about “what did you expect”. She cheated on her last husband, emotionally cheated on her last boyfriend with you, then emotionally checked out of your marriage when she saw “someone better” come along.
I hate to say it but it seems like you’re fighting a losing battle man.
It’s not going work out. I’m sorry. But it’s just not.
You know it’s not but you’re struggling to accept it and so is she. She went to the lengths of telling you she’s attracted to some random guy at work. How shameful. How disrespectful. How is that supposed to instill confidence in the future?
Who cares if she’s all about infatuation. She signed up for marriage. She signed up for life. What a profoundly immature way to look at the world. Children follow their whims and fancies. Adults commit and make it work.
She “wants to want it”? Are you kidding me? No… No. You don’t get to say things like that and just walk away from a situation because the relationship isn’t as exciting as it used to be. You put in the work. You create the moments. You inspire love, and affection and desire in each other.
You work hard or you say it straight and leave the other person in peace and commit to not dragging them through the complete waste of time that couples counselling will be.
You deserve better my friend. Your wife is an emotionally immature child in a woman’s body. Ugh. Pull the pin and be free of it. Focus on your kids.