Im a 24 year old guy and got out of my first and only relationship a little over a year ago. It was an incredibly toxic and unhealthy relationship that I shouldn’t have stayed in, but I had major self esteem issues and my desperation to not be alone was too strong. At the time we only saw eachother at weekends, one day when we were apart I made a stupid mistake and let’s say ‘inappropriately messaged’ with 2 random girls I met through reddit. I stopped it real quick once I realised what I was doing and felt absolutely horrible, next time I saw my girlfriend I came clean, made no excuses for it and apologised profusely. She forgave me and we moved on and we later broke up for different reasons.
Although I never slept with anyone else or planned to meet up, it was still an act of infidelity that is inexcusable and I feel terrible about it to this day. My question is do I have a moral obligation to tell this to any new girl I start dating? And how likely is it that this will send them running for the hills?
TLDR: Fucked up and sexted some random girls, now worried im undateable because of the deserved stigma around cheaters
7 comments
I want to know how you define sexting. It sounds like you were hitting up a couple girls, not exactly cheating per se, but trying to cheat I guess.
Here is the thing. Even if you had legit cheated, this is recoverable in future relationships because you didn’t become a F-Boy and you have and can articulate why you did it and how your awareness of what you have done has grown you into someone who is more secure in yourself and no longer needs to find validation outside the relationship. In your case when you explain that your cheating was messaging a couple girls on reddit, i’ll bet they will burst out laughing.
Don’t beat yourself up, man.
No, you have no obligation to share details of your past relationships with a new partner. You do have an obligation to not cheat on them.
You sound like you have genuine remorse for what you did. That’s a good sign.
That’s like really, really not a big deal. Everything about it is understandable, don’t worry about it. You owe no one an explanation and you’re not a red flag. Go about your life as though nothing happened because honestly, nothing did.
Yes you are a huge red flag. You didn’t feel fulfilled in that moment and you made a terrible choice. Right now, dating would be best. Find out what you like and don’t like. Go on several dates with no intention of commitment and be clear on that. When you’re ready for something serious, you’ll know. You’ll feel like there’s nothing out there and you won’t waste anyone’s time.
It is not a red flag and you don’t have to tell anyone anything if you don’t want to.
I know most of redditors “have the talk” about body count and all the previous relationships. Frankly, I could never understand it. My past relationships is my private life, my private memories and feelings. I don’t think it is healthy to talk about body count and people you loved like about number of cars you owned.
If it was a reason for a breakup, it could be important for your new partner to know. But it was not. Of cause, if you feel it is necessary – tell them. But I personally feel weird when the person I just met is starting to confess to me everything about their previous romantic relationships.
You should forget about it also. Don’t bring baggage to your new relationships leave that shit at the door or you won’t have a healthy relationship
I disagree with others here that you should not talk about it with future partners.
I would not bring it up on a first date, but I would open up about it with someone as trust is being built.
They could leave you for it, but personally I am very strict about cheating and even I would probably give you a chance.
I have dated people who have actually full-on cheated in the past, and I look for how they talk about it. If they make excuses, or blame it on their partner, that is a no, but if they show remorse and seem to understand why they did it and it was a while ago and a single instance, I give them the benefit of the doubt unless there are other data points that cause concern or show a pattern (e.g., they lie a lot about little things).
I tend to think emotional intimacy is built off of sharing things like this. If you marry someone and never ever share this with them, you won’t be as close as you could have been.