Always expected to be married and about to have kids by this age, but life didn’t go as planned. Everyone I run into in my age group is already partnered up. I’ve been trying dating apps but am having trouble finding men I connect to. Meanwhile, I feel older and more behind by the day. How do I accept that a family and partner just might not be in the cards for me?
46 comments
What are you doing besides apps to meet men?
Cats
The same way we all do, take care of yourself, find fun hobbies, have work that can support you and that you enjoy, and find new ways to put yourself out there.
Almost everyone I know that has has marriage and kids and all that seem to have to some degree “settled”.
I say this as a guy that’s 36 and single. I’m just so much fussier than my friends who have settled down. They all tolerate things I wouldn’t tolerate etc etc.
I think most people in our boat need to have look at their own standards if they really want to have a family before it’s too late.
dude, you’re still so young
Were you looking and searching for a husband in your 20s? Was that an important goal or did you prioritize other things?
This is tough. I’m sorry it’s been so hard for you. I have two friends, a 34M and 40F who are in the same position as you and they’re very frustrated.
The only way to accept this is to internalize that you don’t control other people’s choices. They choose how to view you, what biases they have, what judgments they make, what their non-negotiable are.
You can only control your own choices. Become the best version of yourself you can be. Be a good friend. Live by strong principles. Be open to diverse experiences.
It may not get you a partner. But it’ll make you the best potential partner someone could have.
Lastly, people’s choices reflect on them, not on you. 🖤
Don’t think like that! There are many of us like you! I am currently going through a divorce at 30 myself. Life is what you make of it, hang in there!
I find myself in this same position. It gets worse the closer to the holidays. I allow myself to have my “bad” days, and then I pick myself back up and get back to my life. I go to therapy, take my meds on time, I started to pick up new hobbies (roller skating and recently started researching plaster art). I see my family and friends, I work a lot, I am constantly planning a new trip. I really really want to find a healthy life partner, but I also recognize that if the universe doesn’t have it in store for me, the only thing I can do is the other 25 things that make me happy. I can do that or focus on the one thing that makes me unhappy. If I do that, I wont be able to get out of bed. And if I stayed in bed, I wouldn’t be going to Cali in two weeks for a solo road trip, or Mardi Gras in Feb, or DC in March or Montana and Wyoming in May. I have too many things I want to do and I can’t do them if I sit in bed.
All, as a 20 year old, i can say is that my father met my mom at 35 and they have been happily married since then. 🙂
You have up to 10-13 more fertile years in you statistically speaking. Think about how much has happened in your life since you were 17-20 years old. That’s how much time you have to find someone if a family is crucial, so in the grand scheme you’re not out of time whatsoever.
Everyone expects a vision for their life that often goes differently. You need to take concrete steps to find someone who values the same things as you. It sounds like therapy would be beneficial to help navigate how you got here, and how to effectively move forward with intentions that match your goals.
I’d also highly recommend getting your fertility checked while you’re 30 so you know what you’re working with. I wish I had done this. But family wasn’t important to me until I met my now partner. If it’s a non negotiable for you, you may want to consider egg freezing. Not because you’re out of time but if you don’t want to rush a relationship, you may find after 35 that it’s harder to succeed with lower egg quality at that age vs 30.
You definitely need to keep trying to meet people and expand how and where you’re meeting them. Maybe try diff sites, activities, meetups, singles events. People become newly single every day.
I felt this pressure in my early 30s. There is no point in beating yourself up about it. The only thing you can do is keep putting yourself out there, both in online dating and in real life situations to meet new people. I met my husband when I was 34. Sure my window of time to have kids isn’t huge, but I would rather be with the right person and risk missing out on kids than rush into marriage with the wrong person, have kids, then be tied to some dead weight for the rest of my life.
There is no point in acting desperate. Invest in yourself, cultivate some hobbies, figure out what is mandatory in a partner and what is just a plus. The hardest part is to keep dusting yourself off and risking another heartbreak. It sucks, but there isn’t another way.
There’s no one way to come to terms with it. It really depends on you. Generally, finding ways to enjoy your own life. I found myself single at 30, but after ending my previous relationship being single was such a relief. Being single is sooooo much easier than being with the wrong person. I had lowered my standards and I learned the hard way not to do that again.
I traveled a lot – solo trips or with family/friends. Got back into a lot of my own interests. Used dating apps and was up front about what I wanted in a relationship and refused to settle again. Took some doing but ended up meeting my now husband at 31. He’s six years older than me and had also been single for awhile. He was content with his life and busy with his own interests so he also didn’t want to just settle. It was sheer dumb luck we found each other though. Sometimes apps work, sometimes they don’t.
I’d say you can make it a priority and be actively looking for the right person without letting it consume you. If you’re content with your own life you’re more likely to be putting out positive vibes. Positive people attract more people. If you’re negative and boring you won’t attract many people. That being said, sometimes it just doesn’t work and you can’t control something like this. You can’t force someone to fall for you. You can’t will yourself to meet the right person. It’s a lot easier to accept these things if you’re happy with your life overall.
One of my best friends is going through this right now. She’s 34 and single. She would love to get married and have kids. However, her professional life is blossoming right now so she’s throwing her energy into that. Is she still trying to meet people? Yeah – but she also loves how her work is going.
Enjoy your time. I married at 25 and separated at 35. Still trying to divorce my children’s father. There is nothing wrong with getting married at an “older” age.
Don’t accept less or settle, 30 are not too late. I freaked out getting divorced at 35 thinking I could never recover but at 37 things are looking pretty darn good. Just set your standards and start searching. It’s hard to not get fed up when you keep meeting duds but there are good ones out there too
Enjoy it and travel the world.
To answer your question: Design the life you want and live it everyday.
As time passes, whether you have a family/partner or not, you will have decidedly lived consciously and with intention. There are many who sleepwalk through life and mistake dreams for goals.
As for increasing your chances of meeting a truly compatible partner, many others have commented actionable items in addition to dating apps. Be out in the world. Give and receive smiles. Pursue your interests.
My cousin didnt get married until she was 42. Has a kid now too.
Hard to make heads or tails about your situation given your limited introduction here.
All I can ask is how proactive are you when it comes to meeting men that you find interesting? Outside of dating apps. Or are dating apps your go to means of meeting people?
I’m a male approaching 30 but I don’t do dating apps at all. I feel they’re a huge waste of my time but that’s just me. I don’t knock people who use them, but all I hear is that those apps only seem to exasperate peoples’ frustrations when it comes to dating. And dating/relationships, trying to find that person you click with is not difficult per say, it’s just extremely ambiguous. Like there is no one way to go about it. It’s just something that you can’t force or work too hard at or do the bare minimum with. It’s just something that just “happens” to most people. And I think that’s where a lot of people who have a difficult time with dating hate the most: you’re putting yourself out there to get something that, for the most part, just happens out of nowhere for most people. In a nutshell: you’re grasping at straws while treading in the ocean in the middle of the night.
I’ve heard people say, no, no, no you just gotta keep trying, keep putting yourself out there and stay in the game. And you know what… they are %100 right. You have to keep trying, but it can get very, very exhausting and at worse irksome. But this IS the only way to finally find that person you’ve been looking for within that thick, huge cloud of ambiguity.
Hey, if dating were easy, we wouldn’t be having this conversation at all!
Lol I’m 35 and I still have hope!
If it makes you feel any better, I’m 28 M and pretty much entertain similar thoughts when I’m out and about. It remains a nagging thought at the back of my mind.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a answer or advice to give you. I’m 38M and I’m also struggling with this….
The best “dating app” is your own network.
Simple answer you don’t want to hear: lower your standards for men.
Women think that their “standard” for men is the best guy (or one of the best guys) that’s ever *slept* with her.
*When in reality* whoever was the best guy to WANT to *COMMIT* to you in the past 2 years or so, is actually *your* standard and the best you can do.
When I say ‘want to commit’ – they actually did commit to you and you didn’t return the commitment.
Women think that when a guy dated them and that guy didn’t want to commit to them, it was just him – this is incorrect. He never wanted to commit to you, lied to you and he had no intention of committing to you. He only wanted to date you casually and have fun having regular sex with you.
You shouldn’t expect things to happen at a certain age it’s not healthy
I understand if it’s a life goal but you have to realize not all life goals will happen when you want them to and that’s okay!!
Dude, the more important thing is you ,that improve your health ,maybe a better work
Mental health ,
A partner is not that important if you are not complete
As a 35 years old male ,I stop dating like 12 years ago , I can even imagine to have a couple in my whole life again ,don’t get rush to things
My parents didn’t meet until they were 36 so have faith.
I met my husband when I was 40 and he was 39. I had an oops baby at 42. Had to do IVF with my first husband. Not all is lost.
You do realize everyone in this world exists from two people meeting, in real life. Dating apps are a mistake of our generation.
If you’re attracted to a guy you can do one of two things. Say hi and give him signals, or just ask him out directly. This is the life of a man, I get rejected alot but not always.
I will say that doing more than dating apps is so key. Joining new clubs, developing your own interests, and finding like minded people has to be one of the best ways to meet cool new people you can get along with. For example, joining an indoor climbing gym will be full of cool hippy athletes. If you enjoy boating, join the local boating club. If you can’t identify what your interests are perhaps you need to know who you are before you let someone else in.
Also don’t worry 30 is still so young.
I’m in the same boat as you. Get to bring in the holidays and my birthday alone again…whoopie!
You are still so young don’t give up
If its any consolation, I was 30 when I met my current SO and we’re coming up to 1 year officially together. Keep your confidence and standards. It’s ok to take breaks from apps if it becomes too much. But otherwise, do your best to have fun meeting people.
I really preferred Hinge out of all the apps. And bi guys are the best.
Spend more time doing the things that make you happy and it will happen organically. Once you build a rich life for yourself the rest will follow, as long as you leave room in your life for it to come to you, have conversations with the people you run into!
First off 30 is still young as hell. Second, stop worrying about preconceived notions about what a person should have “accomplished” by a certain age. Improve yourself, make yourself happy, make yourself laugh.
I am 33 now and have the same thought as you when I was 30. I was even in an abusive relationship at that time because I was settling just because I want to be married and have kids in few years. That relationship was actually a wake up call. I left the situation and started working on my self. I started loving myself to the point that marriage and kids become optional. That I would still be happy without. When I was finally happy and secured and already know what I want from a relationship and what I am willing to tolerate, I joined bumble. I met my now fiancé there in August of 2021, he proposed a year after and we will get married on August 2023. What I want to impart with you is don’t set a timeline because it will only disappoint you. Work on yourself and don’t put pressure on the relationship.
Can I ask a few questions of you in order to give more input?
Have you been in long term relationships before? If so, how long, and how long ago was this?
Dating app dynamic also depend hugely on where you’re living and what country you’re in..
Do you live in a big city or more rurally?
Im from Western Europe, (38F) and before lockdown happened most connections happened on nights out or maybe if you met someone through work… since lockdown started the only way to meet anyone if single was to join a dating app..
There are plenty of guys on there of all ages looking for different things, some want hookups and some want relationships..
I have met some great guys on dating apps over the years along with some who weren’t great at all!
But if I’m honest, I think you should stop focusing so much on marriage and babies while in the early stages of dating… while it’s good to know what you want, it may be coming across to guys that you want that more than them as a person.
How are you on dates? Are you fun, relaxed, easygoing, chatty, shy, what?
31M here. I’m grappling with this too. Biologically I may have more time than you, but I also had older parents and really hoped I would be a dad around 33-35 which seems pretty unlikely now. And I have been dating intentionally for years and had plenty of “good” relationships…but none who felt like marriage material.
All of these replies are advice on how to find your person or scolding you for wasting time. I’ll offer another perspective.
I’m starting to accept the fact that I may not be a dad by 35, or ever! I want kids, but if it doesn’t work out…is it really the end of the world? Maybe that will open up possibilities to pursue dreams in my 40s that I would never do otherwise. I might have a heart attack at 50 for all I know. Maybe I’ll have many more 1, 2, or 5 year relationships. Each wonderful in their own way. And maybe I’ll meet the love of my life at 45 while sailing around the world and we’ll get married then and live an amazing adventurous life with no kids.
My point is that maybe by accepting things might not work out the way we want, we actually open ourselves up to some great new possibilities…or even open ourselves up to exactly what we originally wanted because we stopped putting so much pressure on ourselves.
Good luck
30 is still pretty damned young for these fatalistic thoughts.
While 30 is super young to throw in the towel, I think there is something to be said for getting comfortable with being single. And as a few people mentioned, please don’t hurry and make someone work out just to get married or have kids. I know people who did that and it didn’t work out well at all. It sounds like the key is to embrace your life as it is.
Don’t be ridiculous, 30 is plenty of time. Adults are just maturing now. I met my husband at 32, engaged 35, 1st kid @ 37. I had friends at my son’s preschool who had their kids at age 46.
Don’t bother with dating apps. But plan a life for yourself that makes you feel fulfilled. And do that.
Force yourself to go out and socialize. Not to bars, but get some hobbies, join a kickball or chess, whatever league, cooking classes, drawing, painting, gardening, Etc.
And you will be happy, and fulfilled. And happy people attract husbands.
I think you’re being slightly shortsighted. Over half of our generation is still single, I’m 40 and single. Folks under the age 45 are far less financially stable than at that same point in the last three generations. I think we can find someone, it just take longer to get any kind of stable relationship because everything is so damn chaotic now.
Don’t get caught up in the timelines of your immediate social circle. In my social circle, women are having their first kid in their late 30s/early 40s. That may not be your ideal scenario, but it is possible, so you have more time than you seem to realize.
Freeze your eggs now.
30 is still young. Please do not stress. Many are divorced and starting life over again. You are not late and not last.
Im a bunch older than you, i still am dreaming of all that, though kids arent in the cards anymore😮💨😥 still trying to accept it …