My (24F) sexual needs are not being met in the relationship I’m currently in. I have a very high sex drive and once a month does not do it for me at all.
In my previous relationship I had a lot of sex (I was with a guy who had a high sex drive like me) but now that I’m with a woman for the first time, something isn’t clicking. She has said that she used to have a very high sex drive in her previous relationships but she does not anymore. She says it’s because of stress, not enough time, etc.. We used to have an active sex life but since the start of this summer not so much anymore. I have communicated my frustration to her but she always has some kind of excuse like; just wait when I’m not stressed out, wait for the weekend,.. But when the time comes nothing ever happens.
I am so sooo sexually frustrated that it’s impacting my mood on the daily. I’ve been doing some solo loving but it isn’t the same.
So I was thinking of suggesting the idea of having another person for sex. I think she would be up for it because she has openly shown her support for polyamory on multiple occassions.
Has anyone had an experience like this and what was it like? I’ve only been in monogamous relationships so I’m in the dark here pretty much.
17 comments
Talking through this with your partner will take time, and a lot of processing through discussions. It can be possible though, just don’t expect a one and done conversation to make it happen. I had been married to my spouse over ten years and it took us over a year of on and off discussions before we opened our relationship.
/r/nonmonogamy is a good place for questions as well.
Polyamory is not “having another person for sex.” And being supportive of polyamory in general doesn’t necessarily mean that it is a relationship style they one would choose for themselves. You’re describing a version of non-monogamy, which can be successful if it’s done thoughtfully and ethically. You just need to understand that:
1. CNM goes both ways. If you’re free to see other people for sex, so is she.
2. Rules about emotions are extremely difficult to maintain. “Just sex, no romance” really will only work if you commit to a limited number of encounters and cut off all contact once you feel yourself wanting more.
3. Even if both parties agree to non-monogamy, there will still be jealousy and insecurity to contend with. It will not be as straightforward or easy as you think, so be committed to doing the work before and during to maintain security in your relationship.
4. Non-monogamy often doesn’t work as a “fix” for a relationship that is already cracked. If the root of the lack of sex in your relationship is *truly* a physiologic lack of interest and both of you are able to compartmentalize sex and your relationship, then maybe it could work. But if the real reason why you aren’t having sex is because of a perceived lack or love, appreciation and/or non-sexual intimacy, your request and any subsequent pursuit of sex outside the relationship will likely just deepen this wedge.
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Polyamory= sharing feelings of love and romance with multiple partners
Polygamy= sharing sexual acts with multiple partners
Both are ok and valid but you habe to be very vocal about what you want and what you need in this relationship and i dont feel like your situation reflects readiness to engage in poly. I feel like you should manage to have better talks about whats going on without having her lie to you about having sex later. Thats something you absolutely need to adress beforehand. I don’t think your sexlife is at risk here but your communication and thats actually worse. Maybe lay down next to one another with your eyes closed in a loving environment and really talk out how you can help her loosen up abit and be less stressed. Or have her tell you what part of the stress makes her not want sex. Its not always sex yes no? Most of the times its what do you need to feel sexy?
Instead of outsourcing your sex why not talk with your partner about what is the cause of her stress and help alleviate her mental load. Maybe work is a big stressor so helping out more at home may make a difference. Take the time to give massages and show appreciation.
I was in a similar situation where I had the higher drive than my wife (also largely related to stress) and we eventually opened up our marriage to become polyamorous. Overall it’s been great, but definitely do a lot of reading and talking with your partner. I recommend Opening Up which is a great book on opening a monogamous relationship which discusses many different forms of nonmonogamy.
One thing you might want to be prepared for is for your low-libido partner to suddenly have much more interest in sex after opening. No matter how great your relationship is new people can still be exciting and sex with them may be a fun escape from stress in a way that sex with you isn’t. It’s easy to get jealous if you encounter that, but it doesn’t mean your partner loves you any less.
I think you have received alot of great information about nonmonagamy here but I want to pose a glaring question I had. We all want to deny it but half or atleast close to it dead bedrooms or struggling bedrooms are now low libido issues. They are low libido for this partner atm issues.
If you open up your relationship and start finding new partners but magically she feels the need to stay equal so she does to are you going to be ok with her not having sex with you except once a month and suddenly seeing a new partner and limerance making her very sexual again?
I gotta say, I don’t understand the trend of opening relationships rather than tackling the problems at hand.
Your partner is clearly struggling, so why is the plan not to find ways to alleviate her stress so she can be a functional human being, but rather supplementing the sex she’s too upset to have with a stranger who could pose a threat to the relationship anyway?
I know some people prefer nonmonogamous relationships, but stuff like this always reads to me like a scapegoat to either dealing with the hard root issues or having to lose the security of a relationship.
If you think you’ll both enjoy it and it’s what’s best, that’s your call. But consider you open this up and suddenly she’s having sex more than once a month with new partners, but you’re still limited to one time with your girlfriend – if not missing months because she’s fulfilling herself with new people. What then? Are you going to be resentful of her?
If you want to go the route of opening things up, that’s fine, but make sure you aren’t doing this because it seems like the fastest and easiest way to get your needs met and not something you actually want/will be good for the relationship
A few years back I had the same exact problem with sex affection and pleasure do I opened up a scenario or offer to my gf by the way I’m 48 and she is 36 do my remed was to invite a new woman and man in our rel and see if it’s comfortable rational and acceptable she was overwhelmed and Wilde she said yes and we had the best relationship sex live understand we ever had period but they are considered as a plus one and plus two so they were a add enhancement and or ffwb do my suggestion is you only live one if it’s not broke font fix it if it’s broke go where no one has gone before
Just break up
It’s time to find a new partner.
I see you read the comments about polyamory vs. non-monogamy, so I won’t add anything there.
Generally, opening up a new relationship dynamic within the context of a current relationship has a low success rate. It can work, but often doesn’t, and I wouldn’t be surprised if this became another stressor that prevented your partner from participating in the relationship fully. I don’t think non-monogamy should be used as a means to ‘fix’ relationships, only deepen and expand what doesn’t exist. Even in non-monogamous relationships, it’s possible to still feel negatively about the fact that your relationship with this person doesn’t involve more sex. I suggest having another conversation, stressing how important regular sex is to you. There are other solutions, like mood enhancers and calendar dates. You can bring up non-monogamy too, but if non-monogamy isn’t something you’d do outside the context of this relationship, it’s likely not going to be a sturdy bandaid within the context of your current relationship.
I never understood not wanting sex because of stress. I want sex all the time, and inifinitely more when I am stressed. It is the ultimate stress reliever for me; nothing comes even close.
Available for hookup
Most lesbian relationships are dead bedroom situations.
What happens if you’re not able to fill those sexual needs of yours?
It’s time to move on, sorry to tell you that, but also glad to tell you that. How much more of your life you want to waste is in direct proportion to your courage to be happy.