I’ve (25f) been celibate 1.5 years now and have just recently started using Hinge again. I’ve been on a few dates but haven’t so much as kissed anyone. I’m in no rush to become physical with a man again and really want to date for love. The issue is, they’re just not doing it for me anymore. I love myself and know my worth. I’m happy alone. I worry I’m too happy alone. I’ve finally gained weight after going off birth control last year and my body has gone from girlish to womanly. All of my friends and family tell me that I’ve never looked so healthy and attractive and I agree. I’m in the best shape of my life spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically.
But I just don’t want it anymore. I don’t want the hassle. I don’t want to deal with the negging or the creeps or the weirdos. I’ve been out with two guys so far and one guy grabbed a soda from my hands to throw into a moving vehicle that cut him off (immediately no) and the other ended up having a secret longterm girlfriend who called me in tears after our third date (I felt horrible but so glad it never got physical). Plenty of other guys don’t even make it to dating, they just put me down in their opening messages or are good looking enough but seem like total tools or are anti vax or super conservatives, or god forbid alpha males. One man told me to KMS and sent my friends r@pe threats after I turned him down because he blew me off when trying to set a time to get together. I’m too old for this sh*t!! I know what I’m worth and it’s not this. I’m not interested in debating who deserves human rights with a man, or being told it’s my job to cater to him and baby him, teach him to be better. I want equal partnership, not servitude or charity work.
I would love to find love. But these men…. I am prepared to be alone forever. Genuinely I can see myself having a long happy life alone. But I used to be able to imagine a future with a man, with children. I can’t anymore. It just leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I know there are good men out there but there’s so many bad ones, too. It just seems like a waste of my time and setting myself up for more unnecessary headaches or even trauma.
Advice?
23 comments
110% relate! It’s like I was writing what you wrote. DM, we’ll chat. Not looking to date lol
I’m in the same boat. I’m on the apps and go on dates, but it’s lost its initial allure. It’s such a repetitive state too, most guys just want to hook up and I feel too old for that. I’ve also worked on myself and know I deserve better.
But, I haven’t been able to find someone who matches my energy/vision. I feel like I’m just going through motions with dating. I’m not sure if that’s me or if that’s just the general sense of our current dating culture
If that’s how you feel, then don’t. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being single and enjoying life. I always see it as a massive green flag if I talk to someone who’s been single a while. I know they’re not fucking around and looking for a real connection with someone.
I can relate a little, online dating is tough for so many people for so many reasons and I frequently think about giving up on it. I don’t ever really have bad dates though and do genuinely enjoy meeting people even if it doesn’t work out and really would like someone in my life.
Same girl same, I’m also in my 20s and with the options available I would much rather stay alone.
A year and a half is not a long time to get over something. Give yourself more time. Live like you want to live and be open to changing your mind down the line. 🙂
It’s rough out here. I’m in the same boat.
I have been thinking about this a bit, and it seems a common theme. Women complain about not being able to find a good man, and many good men can’t find a woman at all.
I don’t know enough to find a solution to this problem but I have an idea that maybe you can chew on a bit: the importance of “game” in dating. “Game” being the ability for a man to turn a friendly interaction into a flirtatious or romantic one. This, not looks, is what nets a tiny proportion of men many dates. And this tiny proportion also tends to consist largely of self-centered men who care only for their own needs. Hence the bad behavior when dealing with women.
So, possibly, keep this in mind when dealing with men. Just keep in mind that someone who has “game” is not necessarily a good partner, and taking the time to get to know a man who does not could be productive.
There are good men out there!! (: I promise. Not every guy are raging jackass like these guys. Be prepared to weed them out and look for genuine guys. I promise you, they are out there. I am being dead serious.
These guys were born and raised to be “manly” and “alpha” but there are strong/ sweet men out there who will treat you right. Don’t give up hope just yet. Maybe give the guy who seemed nice, but boring a shot. He may just surprise you.
Don’t force it. Just keep being happy and hopefully that will bring in the right guy.
I would say to try to meet people in person. Are you putting yourself out there or expecting the love of your life to come swooping in through your phone? Have more phone conversations if possible. You wil get a vibe more quickly this way I feel. Look at the men in your life and see what kind of connections may be missed. Put your intentions and values out there. To find love its going to be a process. There is no shortcut or real answer, but of your are happy by yourself and choose not to pursue love. That is ok too. Men and are just different creatures that view the world differently. Good luck on your journey and take care.
Im 18 and ive lost all interest in it too! Ive only falllen for a girl once that i really got on well with, but she didnt have the same feelings, it took me ages to move on but now i just do not care about dating now, it feels so weird to say it
Online dating, men or women, is FULL of losers, liars, bums, drug addicts and other wild cards.
The best place to find people is in real life. Bumble, tinder, hinge, whatever is going to constantly fill with vile people.
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They average lifecycle of the apps is they start off with the young professional crowd initially using it, but then the psychos pour in and congest the thing until it becomes the next plenty of fish.
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You want to meet a guy/girl who likes things you like go do the things you like and the right one will come along. You want to meet garbage people who put no effort in themselves keep using aps that people use while taking dumps.
As a dude whose been celibate for 2 years. Don’t ever go back into that overdramatic, narcissistic messed up world that is online dating. Just go old school & do your own thing till you find the right one or you don’t. I’ve made peace with the fact that it’s just a shot in the dark when finding someone to spend forever with but that’s how it should be. If it doesn’t happen than whatever. Im happy & successful as it is. If I do find them than great!
Can’t give you any advice but for sure want to date a woman like you, but IRL really hard to find this kind of mindset in people.
Kudos you are definitely worthy of having a great man, just keep trying and keep your eyes open, who know what is in the cards.
No advice here, just commiserating. 25M and I honestly feel like I’m in the same boat. Spent a year healing from a previous relationship, then COVID happened and decided not to pursue anything until things calmed down. Spent the time going to school, working on myself, etc. Thought I would try dating again recently but I just couldn’t put my heart into it anymore. Friends tell me that I just got used to being single and I think they’re right. Just thinking about relationships and maintaining someone else in my life feels exhausting, and nobody inspires the feeling of love that makes it all worth it. Also doesn’t help that all the people I’m surrounded by are in long term relationships/married so nothing is happening there anyway.
Can’t say I have any advice or wisdom, but from one lonely soul to another, I hope you find happiness in whatever forms it comes in
I do believe that it’s a healthy thing to want to be alone…but we are social creatures. The need to love and be loved is ingrained within us. I’m glad that you have created a self that you are proud of and want to share with someone.
Most of the people that you will go on dates will be duds. I think that’s just the nature of it. There are ways to open uo opportunities that aren’t online dating though!
My biggest piece of advice is to entrench yourself in your passions and seek other similar minded people. This could be reaching out to old friends, joining social groups, sports, volunteering, or anything really. Just make sure you go out there and be your true genuine self. This will allow you to connect with people that are more suitable for you.
I dont really see dating as the goal but simply the journey you never reach the end of. Open yourself up to more experiences and they will come.
same here. It would take someone really special at this point
Same girl – from a dude.
You’ve already said it a few times lol.
If you see yourself happier alone, then do that since its made you happy as you’ve progressed with it.
If you wanna give it a shot.. Realistically.. Be patient. Dating is NOT what is used to be even a year ago. Maintain knowing your worth and just keep dating here and there until that right person comes along. If they don’t, that’s fine. You know you can be happy on your own and that’s important to be able to do so you don’t settle or just put your own worth aside.
Like I said, give it shot, date or meet with some people here and there, see how it goes then make your decision after you feel you’ve done that enough.
Maybe try dating the same sex? Venture out and see if that spark is actually in the LGBT options.
Anyways, I envy your ability to understand your worth and have improved yourself since. I can’t do that so.. Jealous lol
Good luck
Honestly you’re ready for a relationship. When you get to a point where you give no fucks the universe always sends you someone awesome.
What I am saying is that you want vs need someone. I think you should continue to follow your instincts as it appears you have been dead in for so long. There really is someone for everyone and I am positive you will find someone!
That soda story is kinda funny tho
That’s an excellent mindset I think when approaching dating. I was there over a decade ago. I was happy single and just not really interested in anything mediocre or crappy. So I’d go on some dates and then not for awhile. Just occasionally dipping my toe in the water I guess you would say. Then I met my husband. I could tell immediately it was different. On other dates I’d always feel this discomfort and pressure. That first date felt like fresh air blowing on my face. Now we just celebrated 10 years together. So just relax. You are happy alone so be happy. Dip your toe in when you feel like it. Have dates when you want and walk away when you feel like it. If something turns up that is right amazing ! If not that’s cool too.
I completely know what you mean. I (F 29) got out of an abusive relationship 2 years ago and had been in long term relationships my entire adult life before that. But after that relationship ended I decided I needed to be alone for a while and focus on myself and heal.
I’ve had a few long term FWB in that time but at this point I really miss being in a relationship…but I just can’t motivate to actually go out on dates. It’s so easy and stress-free being alone, I’m also worried I’m getting too comfortable with it. I also get worried when I start to feel a tinge of those romantic feelings for someone and remember how painful it can be. But I do still really miss it.
I feel great, I’m taking care of myself and I’m happy, but I’m still trying to force myself out of my comfort zone romantically. I’m ready to start seeing what’s out there again with no expectations. I hope you can also start putting yourself out there again but do it at your own pace, don’t put too much pressure on yourself to do so!🙃