This is probably going to be a train wreck of a post. I honestly have no idea how to phrase any of this.
I (22f) don’t particularly want to have sex. Penetration is incredibly painful. I don’t really feel sexual attraction (besides some kinks but idk if that’s the same?) and I don’t see really see why sex is such a big deal.
But at the same time I want to have sex. Although I’m still a virgin, the few times I have had sexual interactions, even if they weren’t super pleasurable for me, were the few times I actually felt attractive. And I feel like people view me negatively/differently when they find out I haven’t had sex bc it seems like if a woman is in her 20s and a virgin she must either be conservative/traditional (which I’m not), a prude (I have no problem talking about sex), or just dysfunctional (which I guess maybe I am but I don’t want to be perceived that way lol). And I feel like it’s impossible to find a relationship without opening yourself up to sexual relationships first. I also am afraid that all my reservations about sex could just be rooted in anxiety.
I feel sick to my stomach when I think about having sex. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about never having sex. I feel like my hang ups about sex are stopping me from living the type of life I want. Has anyone dealt with anything like this? How do I fix myself and get over my reservations?
Sorry if I’m not explaining this right or if this is the wrong sub to be posting in. I just feel lost. Any advice is much appreciated.
3 comments
It’s odd that it is that painful since.. vaginas are made for it. Have you gone to a gyno about that? Perhaps you don’t produce enough to get “wet” and need lots of lube (not uncommon) or is it just the size? Also curious what your kinks are…
I think your issue isn’t so much wanting sex despite your body rejecting it, but that you have terribly low self esteem – I’m saying this based on this line of yours:
>even if they weren’t super pleasurable for me, were the few times I actually felt attractive.
Your want for sex is NOT the biological urge that most people have for it, but for the validation you get from other people, and it seems that you have wound up your ENTIRE self-esteem in the opinions of others. That might also be feeding into your sexual aversion because you know sex is supposed to be pleasurable but you only want it for validation and that feels “off” to you.
It definitely does sound like your sexual aversion is rooted in anxiety, tied to your feelings of self-esteem and I would urge you to consider consulting a therapist or counsellor. Nearly everybody in the world has some hang up or other that they wish they could just get over, but the way you write, your level of self-dislike (bordering on hatred) is just not normal – there is a cause of all of it somewhere that you have likely buried away in your subconscious. You need to address WHY you feel so bad about yourself and WHY you are so unable to validate yourself that you turn to seeking out sexual company when your body is literally SCREAMING at you that you actually don’t want it at all (in fact, if you are genuinely asexual, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. There is a whole community of people who are asexual who lead perfectly happy lives – the problem is that you are trying to force yourself to have sex despite not wanting it, and if you continue to do that you will DESTROY yourself mentally – you already are on your way down; your post is crying out for someone to help you make sense of your jumbled feelings and then you finish your post by apologising to a forum of random strangers who have CHOSEN to click on and read your post. None of us reading your post have had it shoved down our throats – we all clicked on the link and chose to read it, there is NO NEED TO APOLOGISE.
This is what I mean – counselling, like yesterday, to address your low self-esteem. Learn to validate yourself from the inside. Then you’ll be able to properly make an assessment about whether you genuinely don’t like sex at all, or whether it is simply tied in to wanting it for the wrong reasons (validation as opposed to pleasure).
I wish you all the best with this as it does seem like you WANT to help yourself, you just need a little bit of help 🙂
Penetration really should not be painful, that sounds like a medical problem. Have you heard of an illness called vaginismus?