Deleting this because the comments are a complete shit show.

Thanks to those of you who made an effort to be thoughtful.

29 comments

  1. Do you have any relatives or friends who have kids? If so, offering to babysit as a couple could give you some insight.

    How much do you talk about kids with her? My bf and I haven’t been dating that long (certainly not long enough to be thinking about marriage in the near future!) but we’ve already discussed how many we’d like to have, at what ages we would allow them to do certain things, and even possible names for our hypothetical children. If your discussion has only been “hey do you want kids” and her saying “yeah I’d be interested in having kids” then definitely do a deeper dive to make sure you’re truly on the same page. And nothing wrong with talking timeline either!

  2. You’re not seriously judging how well you think your partner will be as a parent based on how they reacted to a video of a baby laughing, are you?

    Sure some people love babes, but that doesn’t mean they will be good parents, and similarly plenty of people who aren’t amused with strange babies laughing can be great parents. If I were you I’d be looking at more at qualities like patience, kindness, no anger issues, healthy boundaries, and things like that, because those are qualities that make a good parent.

  3. Most people do not have a realistic frame of reference for parenthood. Many women experience traumatic births, complicated injuries, and have complicated feelings that no one prepares them for or warns them about. And many women don’t have the necessary support from friends, family, or medical professionals to adequately deal with the difficult of birth and infant care alone.

    Being a parent isn’t just kodak moments of the best times or the fun times. It’s also being on the verge of a nervous breakdown because your infant has colic and both parents have been sleep deprived for 8 months.

    I don’t believe that judging someone’s potential parenting abilities based off of their reaction to a baby laughing on the internet is a mature or reasonable conclusion.

  4. I’m not maternal at all, I don’t really get on with kids in general, but my own wonderful daughter – that’s a whole different story!! You can’t base her potential to be a good mother on much more than how she treats you/others, if she’s willing to have children with you and how she takes care of herself/her lifestyle. That will tell you a lot..

  5. No, you cannot predict. Also, once you have kids, they may act totally different with their own kids. I thought that a good indicator was how they were with nieces and nephews for example. But there’s really no coorelation.

    The only way to tell is how they act around their OWN kids. And since she’s not a mom yet, you won’t know until she is a mom.

    >I showed her one of those videos of a baby laughing uncontrollably and she said “this does absolutely nothing for me”.

    Yeah, I have idea what this means.

  6. Is she nurturing to animals and is she in general a person who can control her impulses, admit when she made a mistake, have patience, and not flip out on people? If the answer to all of the above is “yes” then she might be a good mother, at least as well as anyone can tell beforehand and being realistic about finding a more obviously nurturing woman you still like in other ways too, so at 36 you might as well take the plunge with her.

  7. Does she even want kids? You have a timeline but didn’t mention if you had discussed it with her.

    No one really knows how to parent until you’ve become a parent. The most important factor is whether you want kids. If so, you’ll learn how to parent as you go. If not, you could struggle to engage and figure things out.

  8. I think you should rent a toddler. (by that I mean, babysit a friend’s kid or a relative) It is very hard to bond with a child in a Youtube video. I didn’t think I liked kids until I took care of them as a camp counselor; I didn’t think I liked babies until I took care of one as a nanny. But forming a connection is the key.

    On the other hand, I don’t think my mom liked children much or had much patience for them and I can see why that’s something to be wary of.

    My instinct is mostly to trust what people tell you. If your girlfriend is going out of her way to say “this doesn’t do much for me,” I think it’s less about the Youtube video than it is about her trying to clue you in to her involvement level. I wouldn’t expect her to be putting in the typical amount of effort. Then the question is whether you can step up and be the more primary care taker without being resentful, esp. if the non-traditional gender dynamic wasn’t modeled to you by your parents.

  9. My sister never wanted kids, didn’t like them, the typical “stone cold” career woman. Well she had her son and is OBSESSED with him and a fantastic mother. She just recently gave birth to twins and same deal – totally in love, caring, nurturing, etc. It kinda shocked our whole family because she was so anti kids, did not think they were cute, and did not seem all that nurturing before she had kids of her own. You just never know what having a kid of your own will do and how it will change you when that happens.

  10. You can plan to T. but plans blow up and change. However it doesn’t seem like your gf even wants kids. It seems like a soft no. First, discover if she wants kids- this is a direct conversation before you propose. Hey, how do you feel about having kids within 2 years? Kids are cool, I’m not very maternal. what does that sound like to you? She doesn’t want kids. So when she states that she not very maternal, ask her directly? What do you mean by not very maternal? Do you not want to have kids? This is the 1st step you need to worry about before any of the other questions. also you’re planning a hypothetical life when you don’t have an answer to a very basic question. Also if by any chance she does want kids (aka. she does not) she is 36. waiting 2 years- she will be 38 which would leads to more high risk pregnancy. You have all these plans in your head but good gracious- you- reality needs to slap you.

  11. Short answer is no. I mean you can look for a person with traits that might make them a good parent, like patience and discipline and how they problem solve. But I think you’re never gonna know what kind of parent they are until they are. Cause a lot of things happen that are perspective changing like pregnancy, post partum, and honestly how you parent is gonna be affected by how your kid is too

  12. Ok as a lady who knows I don’t want kinds, at 36 she is saying “she is interested in kids” . Have a more serious conversation. She should know if she wants kids or not at this age.

    Liking or not liking a baby video is inconsequential. Other peoples kids are annoying and babies are not particularly cute. Your own child will be different. I don’t want kids, but I’ve been told I would be a great mother. And I prob would. I know I would give up my life and dote on my child, I’m mature and responsible. But I don’t want it. At 36 she should know if she wants her own or not.

  13. Pretty much everybody loves their own kids. Most people don’t give a shit about other peoples kids. As long as she is responsible, has empathy, patient, and morals she will be a great mother. All parents get annoyed and frustrated often it’s their kids, it’s just part of it.

  14. As others have said, it’s very hard to determine for a variety of factors. I know women who adamantly wanted children, but really struggled with the load of children on top of everything else (work, household tasks, family dynamics). I also know women who were fairly uninterested in other people’s children, but are very good parents.

    Here are the key things I’d consider now, that would carry over and translate into your parenting styles:
    * How is your relationship/carrying the load dynamics? Do you take turns planning things? Do you equally share the load mentally and physically? This is key for when you have children so neither of you are doing the majority of the work and are overburdened or resentful.
    * How do you handle high stress situations as a couple? What happens when something goes wrong? I suggest to everyone before they get married or have kids to go on an international vacation. Put yourselves outside of your comfort zones and see how you navigate foreign situations without your support system.
    * How do you deal with conflict? Does conflict devolve into arguments and fighting or can you have disagreements while being civil and able to communicate and compromise your way through them.
    * Do your parenting styles align? No one wants a good parent/bad parent situation. Do you agree on being a united front with children? Do you agree on discipline and consequence styles? What would your expectations for your children be? Are either of you religious? Are you aligned in other key values?
    * Do your financial goals align? Financial stress in relationships is killer. Exponentially once you have children. Do you agree on lifestyle expectations? Budgeting/savings? Is one partner an overspender? Is anyone carrying a lot of debt that would make having children a hard financial burden?

    A huge part of being a “good parent” is parenting with a good partner. I’d ensure you’re certain this person is going to be a good long term partner first – then discuss children and your timelines.

  15. Look for questions to ask on parenting—what are her views, how does she see discipline, how would she react if the child comes out as gay, etc. There are tons of example qs on the internet and see if you guys are compatible.

    I’ve seen my friend who was not maternal, didn’t like playing w her nieces/nephews, didn’t “awww” at cute babies etc. then she got pregnant v quickly after her wedding. She had a difficult pregnancy and she’s struggling real hard with the baby and hinted that she regrets having her. She’s very much hands off and looking for ways to have others take care of the baby (grandparents, going on vaycay etc). There are clear “non parental” characteristics for sure tho.

  16. I have no interest in watching videos on YouTube of babies laughing. I’m not even the type of person who gravitates towards babies/young kids when we’re out in public. But kids in my family? Definitely enjoy hanging out with them. And my own kids, someday? I am pretty sure that will be an entirely different level…so, her reaction a random Internet baby probably can’t tell you too much.

    I’ll also say, have all the tough conversations about kids. It may not turn out like you plan, because sometimes we just think we know how we’ll react, and then we step up in ways we didn’t think we could or we run when we were sure we’d stay…but like, what are your plans if you have a child with a severe disability? How would you respond to a trans child? How do you believe in punishing a child? Can your son do ballet? Can your daughter play football? What does your time-off from work look like, knowing both of you will end up taking days for daycare closures and earaches and things like that.

    *Those* seem like the questions to ask to determine if you’ll be good co-parents, not how she reacts to a laugh.

    Also, some people are really good baby people. But babies grow up. How do you both do around toddlers? 8 year olds? Tweens? Teenagers? You have to parent those ages too, so liking babies doesn’t mean you’re going to be good at all that. Or not loving babies but enjoying all the other ages doesn’t mean you’re bad…

  17. I was once told, the 9 months prepare you for it. That’s how God/universe built us.
    All thise hormones are actually doing things to the mother to become protective of the child, get attached and love it right from the start.

    I thought my sister was cold. So many babies in our house and she didn’t care much for any of them. She’s now a mother and I think the best one I know.

  18. Past behavior is usually the best predictor of future behavior. If a healthy, moderately attractive, socially active woman hasn’t had kids by the age of 36, and she hasn’t actively brought up the topic during your dating, I would assume that being a mother isn’t a priority for her.

  19. Lots of people here seem to be saying that many times mothers end up being great parents magically when it’s their own kids, but OP you and your girlfriend could have a few more conversations around child rearing to see where BOTH of you stand. Ask the tough questions now rather than be shocked by them later.. how would you handle a child with a genetic disorder? Autism? Hearing impaired? ODD? What values are important to each of you when raising a kid? Will religion be part of it? What if your kid is part of the LGBTQ+ community? Or if they have a serious medical illness? How will you handle parenting on the days when your kids a little shit, work is stressful, money is tight, and you haven’t had sex in three months? Conversations like this can help you both get a sense of the ideal parents you want to be, rather than hoping your gf likes more videos of cute giggling kids.

  20. The only accurate predictor of whether someone is a good parent is to observe whether they’re a good parent.

    Also, there are many differences in parenting style, and not all are compatible. However it’s important to support your partner’s style unless it’s something you feel is antithetical to proper growth/support. In which case you need to talk about it, and it’s going to be a tricky situation.

    Source: me and two coparents with whom I’ve had disagreements/resolutions.

  21. Your views of children are fantastical. This is obvious to me just from what you wrote. It seems rather immature to me that showing a video of a baby laughing is how you gauge your girlfriend’s ability to be a mother. Just because you find this baby cute OR just because you want to be a father, doesn’t mean you will be a good one.

  22. “I showed her one of those videos of a baby laughing uncontrollably and she said “this does absolutely nothing for me”.”

    This is such a bizarre stretch. Just because you’re not interested in a particular video of baby, does not mean you would be a bad mother or indifferent to kids.

    I like skateboarding. It’s possible for you to show me a skateboarding clip you found that doesn’t really interest me that much. Your conclusion would be….. I’m not a very good skateboarder??

    That is ridiculously illogical.

  23. My ex changed dramatically after the birth of our son. My suspicion is that her post partum triggered some sort of schizophrenia. Not the parent I thought I was marrying and it’s made life interesting to say the least.

  24. How well does she cope with being tired? Is she reactive when things go wrong? How well does she improvise and problem solve? In being a parent, you will be tired and things will go wrong.

    How much work has she done to process her own emotions? So many bad parent reactions are out of embarrassment/shame or to protect one’s own ego.

    Can she own her own mistakes?

  26. Do they maintain a clean house? Do they voluntarily contribute to household tasks without being asked? Do they understand the mental load of tasks like making dinner including conceiving of meal ideas and coming to with the shopping list including checking the pantry and fridge for what already is in the house? Do they care about consent? Do they care about your pleasure? Are they able to communicate their emotions? How do they communicate when there is conflict? How do they deal with disagreeing with the way you do things?

  27. I am like your gf, and all I can say is talk to her about it and dont make any decisions until you’ve discussed it. Dont be like my ex that broke up with me because he thought that since I wasnt baby crazy, heads over heals wanting a baby really bad, I didn’t want to have kids and that was a dealbreaker from him. Still haven’t recovered from that.

  28. Is this the only thing that’s making you question it? She may have been distracted or stressed when you showed her that video. I don’t want to assume that you’re judging her maternal instinct based solely on this… but if so, that’s kind of oversimplifying her.

    Someone super emotional and affectionate doesn’t guarantee a good parent – it can mean lack of boundaries and discipline.

    To use my family as an example, many of the women are very ‘maternal’, but some had so much protective anxiety about their kids, they actively prevented them from growing up and having even slightly risky experiences out of fear. I have spoiled, childish cousins as a result.

    If you’ve got two parents, each who leans towards different qualities needed to be a decent parents, working together can be a great combo and you can teach each other new skills.

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