Hi there – sorry if this post is a bit hard to read. I’ve tried to not ramble too much and thought about formatting but I’m feeling a bit scrambled.
I’m [25F] fresh out of a relationship of 6 years with my partner [25M] which ended with his main reasoning of unhappiness in being like he was not challenged enough.
Our relationship day to day was really happy (this being mutually agreed, not just my feelings), however every year he would bring up feelings of not being satisfied. At first these were things that we were able to work on, but these feelings didn’t go away for him and we would have this conversation annually, which didn’t usually end up in a solution as we instead opted to keep the peace and go along as we had been.
I recognise this is unhealthy – and it has a lot to do with my personality of being immensely conflict adverse. We would get along really well and there never really felt like there was anything to fight over but if there was, it was quite difficult for both of us to bring it up – for me, because I hate confrontation, and him knowing how much it would shut me down, and break down. This was something I’d been improving on in recently years, in voicing my needs more and not completely shutting down when confronted.
Yesterday when we broke up it was after a lot of reflection by my partner who had made up his mind after we had spent 6 months in a LDR. He had a lot more time to mentally prepare, whereas although he’d told me how he was unhappy with things, I wasn’t really prepared for an actual breakup.
When it came down to it, the main reason he had come to realise was that he didn’t feel challenged enough in the relationship – that he wanted to be pushed to be a better person, instead of being accepted all the time. This again, due to the fact that I find that I always overlook faults in the people closest to me and choose generally to only ever focus on the good.
I’ve come to realise we valued completely different things in a relationship. He values challenge and inspiration (and felt invigorated when we were apart) whereas I value comfort and stability. I’ve also realised one of the big reasons why I may have felt so desperate to hold onto this relationship could just have been to hold onto a notion of home and belonging I had found and built with a person.
My big question is – there is so much focus on how your partner should always be bringing the best out in you, and make you want to be a better person (and in my mind, equating to wanting challenge in a relationship). I recognise that of course, there needs to be some communication of needs and things don’t just fall into place with no conflict. But is it wrong to simply be satisfied with comfort and stability with another person? To be satisfied if you have enough in common with another, and to feel at peace with them? To me, the idea of just “being”, with another person is very important. That yes, I’m imperfect and far too sensitive, but feeling accepted and loved and free to be who I am completely. I keep thinking now that I’m never going to have a successful relationship again if I don’t change myself, but then again I can’t tell how much so can change and how much is just who I am as a person.
TL;DR: is it okay to value peace and stability so much in a relationship over challenge? Is it unhealthy, and something I need to work on before trying again with love?
PS: What hurts most (a lot of things hurt at the moment!) is realising how much my partner did make me want to be a better person, and how I wasn’t able to give that back. I always reassured him he was fine as he was, that I loved him just as he was (which was true, and what I would’ve wanted) – but that wasn’t what he wanted to hear.
4 comments
There’s a difference between ‘stability’ and outright just never bringing up issues or talking through conflicts because you’re so terrified of confrontation and shut down. You have to sometimes be uncomfortable and vulnerable in order to grow as a couple, and it sounds like you weren’t willing to do that with him.
I’ve had a relationship where the other person saw me as a project and wanted to ~Challenge Me~ and ~Make Me Grow~, and it was exhausting and miserable. It’s funny how they had a very specific idea of *how* they thought I should grow, and anything else didn’t count.
I’m more on your side and I don’t think it’s wrong, with the caveat that when I’m happy in my relationship, it makes me want to be better on my own. My partner doesn’t need to nag me to do it–I just think “I want to be worthy of them” and act accordingly. And by the same token, I don’t want to constantly be harping on a partner either.
You two started dating at 19. I think you should consider that over the past 5 years, you’ve both have grown and changed (as one should), and you’ve perhaps grown apart. From his perspective, this relationship may no longer be the right fit now, and he may simply be grasping at ways to articulate that. I wouldn’t focus too much on whatever reasons he gave or internalize those reasons. The simplest explanation is that you grew up and apart, and he wanted another relationship experience. It’s quite normal for teenage relationships to come to an end; it’s the nature of things.
Don’t rush back into dating. Take as much time to heal as you need. Also if you don’t already have a therapist, they can be quite helpful in processing the breakup and seeing things more clearly.
Some people like a partner who challenges them. Some people want their main relationship to be a comforting safe haven. Those people aren’t compatible, but neither is wrong.
You should take some time to work on your ability to navigate conflict healthily. Conflict doesn’t have to be “challenging” in a respectful relationship, by the way.