Me (w/21) and my fiance (m/18) have been together for a year and engaged since August of this year (he is more mature than his age btw). We both still live with our parents. We had already planned our wedding and even booked a location and a catering for next year august but last month we had a big fight because he had a hard time accepting my non belief.
He is religious and goes to church every sunday. In the past I went with him because it was a reason that allowed me to sleep over at his house (in a guest room, not in one bed). Normally his parents don’t allow me to sleep there because of religious reasons which already makes me furious since I feel like they force their beliefs onto him and we told them that we don’t have sex before marriage and that’s true. I feel like they don’t trust his words.
I slowly wanted to stop going to church with him since I don’t really like it. He didn’t know if he could accept my non belief. He seems to have accepted it now. His parents played a big role in this as well. They are nice people. They were nice to me and treated me very well, I’m grateful really. The problem is just that they treat my fiance like a child. He doesn’t have his own bank account for example even tho he earns his own money for a few years now. It bothers me a lot.
Another thing that bothers me is that we have a lot of differences. He is religious (fundamentalist). I’m not. He is introvert. I’m extrovert. He still makes me very happy. He is really the best boyfriend imaginable. Loyal, kind, funny, sweet. We have a lot of fun when we’re together and laugh alot. It still feels like that when we see each other. Lately when I’m not with him I’m doubting this relationship.
I miss him terribly when we’re not together. I hate going home. I have a bad relationship with my parents. It frustrates me that I can’t sleep over or move out with him. He wants to move out after marriage but he doesn’t want to marry me now. He wants to take time after our fight but I don’t think that I can wait any more time. I knew that everything would be like this but I don’t know if I can accept it like it is any longer. I don’t want this pain anymore. Leaving him everyday and missing him. I just want to come home to him and sleep next to him. At the moment he is still learning his job but next year he will be working shift and he won’t have as much time as now. I will miss him even more.
To conclude,
me and my fiance have different religious beliefs and it will be a challenge for us especially with kids. I also am scared that he tries to change my beliefs. He’s sad that I don’t believe in the bible. Also his beliefs are a higher priority and he wants to go to church on saturday afternoon (for the youth) instead of doing something with me for example going out with friends etc.
he doesn’t want to marry me yet (I can understand it) but I’m unhappy with the situation as it is because I can’t sleep over at his house and miss him terribly. It’s something that can be changed. he could stand up to his parents since he himself even said that he chose to follow the rules. But he wouldn’t do it for me. It’s something different when we would live together. When he has to go to work then I can totally accept it but I can’t accept that I have to hurt like that because of something that can be changed.
he made me the happiest I’ve ever been.
I don’t know what to do. I knew all of those conditions from the start. I chose this relationship. But now I don’t know if I can’t handle this any longer. Should I break up?
TLDR we love each other a lot but it seems like we don’t fit together and it confuses me
6 comments
You should break up.
When you started dating he was, by most laws, child- of course his parents don’t want you sleeping over in his bed. Neither of you live independently. You have been together a year. You don’t agree on religious which is a huge part of his life. Long term, you mr marriage likely won’t be successful, so better to break it off now before you have legal complications of marriage included.
the two of you are not a fit now and that will only grow because the differences you have are big. also both of you being as young as you are should slow down a bit before deciding to tie the knot. while he may be “mature for his age” he is far from a developed adult as his brain wont stop forming for at least another six years and a lot can go on with him in that time. either put the breaks on or cut it off but dont go forward.
This relationship is terrible for both of you, and you need to pull your head out of your ass and not date teenagers.
Don’t marry him- at least not any time soon. These fundamental differences are too severe to build a healthy marriage on. In addition, you are both still children. Someone who still lives with their parents, doesn’t have a bank account, and has never lived with or slept with a partner is not ready for the reality of marriage. I got engaged young as well (21F). My fiancé, (23M) and I had been together for 2 years before getting engaged and had lived together for over a year. We both make our own money and pay our own bills, and had already faced major challenges in the relationship (everything from him having alcoholism and eventually getting sober, to our families not getting along.) In many ways, we were farther along in our relationship before getting engaged than many 25-30 year olds. Despite all of this, being engaged at such a young age has been incredibly difficult for us- that’s why we decided to have a very long engagement (2.5 years) before tying the knot. We are taking this long engagement period to build our relationship even more (going to couples counseling, discussing major issues like how we would want to raise kids, ensuring our future finance goals will be met, etc). In your situation, it seems like the main motivation for getting married is to get out from under your parents roof, and that’s a horrible reason to marry someone. Ultimately, if you love him, I’m not saying you should immediately break up. But at least take several years to decide if marriage is the best course, and please for the love of god move in together before making that decision. You truly cannot decide to marry someone before living with them- being “in a relationship” where u both live with your parents is so drastically different from being in a relationship where you cohabitate. You never really know someone and how your relationship dynamic will be until you live together, trust me. And please get some distance and allow yourself time to discover who you really are before committing to a life partner: go travel, go to college, work a grown up job, etc. it sounds like your fiancé might need to do the same
Don’t date teenagers, and for the love of God don’t MARRY teenagers.
OK. You need to focus on becoming financially independent, planning your future (not marriage, I mean career, educaton etc).
Believe me, getting married to escape your parents is the WRONG reason. It means that on a subconsious level you would rush in before you are ready, or with the wrong person, because you are desperate to escape a situation you do not like. Marriage should never be an escape, it should be a warm home that welcomes you when both of you are ready.
You also sound like you are probably not compatible. It can work if one of you is religious and the other isn’t, but only if your core values are close. You NEED to respect his right to go to church and practice his religion. The fact that you say you don’t want him to go to church and discourage him from doing so tell me that he is not the guy for you. You’re sad he may try to change YOUR beliefs, but that is EXACTLY what you are trying to do with him. And honestly, unless you can both find common ground, do NOT have kids. And I say that as a nominal christian engaged to an atheist. If neither of you can be together without trying to convert the other, then you aren’t compatible. If he can’t accept your non belief, then it will never work. If you can’t accept his faith, it will never work.
Missing your partner when you aren’t together is normal, but it doesn’t mean you can (or should) spend every waking moment together – it makes me worry you’re still in the head-over-heels phase of thsi relationship, and running on infatuation.
They treat your fiance like a kid because he IS (or until about 5 seconds ago, WAS) a child. And he will always be their child, so their role will always be parental. You do realise that they don’t NEED to set up a bank account for him? If he wants one, he’s 18, he can get one himself. His parents have a right to decide who can stay over at their house, and it’s not unreasonable to state you can’t stay over til married. I don’t always approve of such a rule, but it’s their house.
If you guys can’t afford to get your own place, or move out, then you simply aren’t ready for marriage – you both need to be focusing on becoming actual grown adults who are independent and can manage their own lives. What’s the rush to get married? You both have important things to focu on – like building your careers and moving out, and becoming grown ups. From where I stand, neither of you are independent, and it honestly does not sound like either of you are ready for marriage.