I (29m) am going out with a girl (28f) and we get along very well in the conversation, but on our last date she confessed to me that she doesn’t feel so desired and whenever I approach her it feels like I’m walking on eggshells, she turns away. feels uncomfortable, as if I do things out of obligation and not for pleasure.
I think it’s because of my upbringing, I really don’t have that malice.
What can I do to be more assertive and demonstrate passion? it seems like she is asking me to be more of a man and that bothers me a little. I don’t have very good self confidence, so I’m actually a little intimidated at intimate times, as she’s really pretty and out of my league.
Some of girls that I hooked up or dated in the past, told me the same thing, and it’s affecting me a lot, I starting to believe that I’m not “too manly”.
tl;dr Tips on how to be more active, assertive and demonstrate in physical ways that I am having pleasure with my partner.
17 comments
Did she explain what it is exactly that you do or don’t do that leaves her feeling undesired? I also wouldn’t automatically link it to masculinity, you’re “man enough” just how you are.
Something I learned with a previous partner, when women doesn’t feel desired is not necessarily that you need to man up. Maybe she’s thinking you are not that into her, what worked for me is taking my time and really enjoying giving pleasure as much as I like to receive.
About the eggshells thing and being “overly polite”, it could be she’s thinking that is lacking intimacy. Don’t be afraid to touch her, smell her and take your time to appreciate her as a woman. You are not being rude by compliment a girl that’s already that intimate with you. If you think she’s hot, tell her that!
I guess if I had to draw a comparison (don’t think I’m trying to insult you), it’s that the quiet, overly “respectful” guys are basically the equivalent of “pick me girls”.
This is not necessarily that I think you’re white knighting or doing this for attention or whatever, but that you’re so afraid of showing interests outside of hers that you erase the individuality in yourself.
Assertiveness is as simple as this reddit post. If you hadn’t voiced your thoughts, no one would have known that you wanted advice. The same goes in a relationship. You don’t have to think about your masculinity or your aggressiveness to ask a question, you simply do.
Your actions don’t have to be collaborative with hers, but they should point somewhere.
More context would be nice.
Out of you league? Drop this mindset for starters. She chose you, what’s the hang up? Don’t underestimate yourself.
This is a great question that I think many men are struggling with in today’s climate.
I think it would help to worry less about what she wants and focus more on accepting and owning what you want.
Playing not too safe probs, unfortunately not your fault because a lot of Guys are trapped between bei bf gentle and being perceived overly aggressive
It seems like you’re asking how to grow a set and be more assertive and confident.
Dude, that’s a choice. It’s emotional control. Yeah, you have an upbringing and reasons why you’re not that way, and what’s your alternative? Keep turning your partners away because of insecurity and thinking they’re above you? That’s toxic, my man.
This is just basic emotional control. She’s literally telling you to be stronger and show her more, so the light is green. If you don’t step on the gas, it can’t be done because there’s no barrier here. What do you fear by holding back? You’ll lose her? You’re losing her now.
One thing I want to caution you about, given some of the advice I’m seeing, is not to fall into the trap of believing you are less “manly” because of any of this. If you are a man, you are your own man. However you choose to own that is valid, and you should not force yourself to become someone else’s idea of you — especially if you’re not comfortable with it.
That being said, you can still pursue growth and change if you choose it, and that’s going to mean pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone a bit.
In the context you’ve shared here, it might be better to have a conversation to start things out. You are acting according to your own script, which is influenced by your upbringing, like you said, as well as your habits, cultural expectations, and all kinds of messaging you’ve received.
The same is true for her. The fact of it is, women are accustomed to men (not all men, but enough that they regularly encounter for this to inform their views on gender norms) being very sexually forward. This can lead to their own internalized ideas of what male desire looks like, how it’s expressed, and how it “should” look when a man is into them.
If she was comfortable enough to bring up this topic with you (and I hope it was in a gentle and uncritical way — if not, there are other potential problems to explore here) then she should hopefully be receptive to hearing your perspective on it. Tell her how much you do desire her, and explain to her why you have difficulty with expressing it in the ways she expects to see it. Ask her more about what she would like to feel from you. If there’s anything she says she’d want that you can *feel* you want, then you have a golden opportunity to show her, knowing that it’s something she is okay with and that it wouldn’t be crossing a boundary for her (if that’s what makes you nervous anyway).
On your own time, you can also spend some time exploring your feelings on this. I imagine that you do have certain… male appetites… that you have maybe been repressing. See if you can tap into those, with her specifically in mind. Think about what you’d want to do if you didn’t feel the weight of personal expectations or imagined boundaries you’d be violating. Then identify which of those things are the safest to explore — the ones that feel the least like a violation or trigger your anxieties the least — and start implementing them. If you’ve have some good conversations about this, you can let her know that she should stop you if you ever seem to go too far or come near a boundary that she has. If you can trust that she’ll let you know, you’ll be more comfortable expressing yourself more fully.
Hopefully this helps! There’s probably a lot more to unpack here, so consider seeing a therapist or at least doing some journaling to explore where these issues are coming from. I have also been presuming this is within the confines of a safe and secure relationship, and that none of this is her having toxic or problematic expectations, so please use your judgment here! If you feel she’s playing games or being manipulative, protect yourself first!
If you don’t have a therapist yet, get one. Childhood trauma definitely affected many of my relationships for a long time and I had similar ways of dealing with stress in relationships to you. That was until I started seeing a therapist regularly. After a couple of years I made some enormous changes to myself and became a much more confident and happy person. Everyone says I am the best version of myself now.
Smile, compliment her, and stop worrying so much about whether on not you are going to offend her. Follow the basic rule that she can always say no, and if she does, respect it. The next time you see her, walk up to her, kiss her, squeeze her ass, and walk to where you are going with as much physical contact as possible. Whether it’s arm-in-arm or snuggled in, do it. If she is going on dates with you, she finds you interesting and attractive, so you are well within her league. She told you what she wants, and she’ll tell you if she doesn’t want something. Go from there.
There is such a thing as being too nice. She has a voice as well, so stop worrying so much about offending her. She will tell you if you do. Remember, it’s better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener at war. Be confident in your abilities, simply by telling yourself “if I make a mistake, oh well, she will tell me, I can’t be me if I’m trying to only make her not offended.”
In fact, you won’t even make her happy if you do that. So try and have a good time, do what pushes the boundaries, talk dirty, tell dirty jokes, look her in the eyes and act as if you see her as the hottest thing in the world which shouldn’t be a stretch. She probably thinks the same as you.
She’s going out with you, so compliment her not like a coworker or a stranger on the street, but like someone you know are getting to know intimately.
Contrary to popular belief (mainstream movies/media/feminists) women love to be “dominated”, a man that can put them in their place and be assertive/“controlling” in a way, is hot to them. This is why women love “assholes”, but even that statement is partially mis articulated.
It’s not that women love assholes themselves, it’s that women love and find hot certain masculine traits that assholes are more likely to have over nice/polite guys.
You don’t have to be an asshole to a girl to exhibit these qualities, you just gotta understand what they like. Being assertive/dominate/direct/independent/not reliant on what she thinks about you/confident/(slightly) arrogant – all of these traits are hot and attractive to women, and assholes tend to have them all, while nice guys don’t. BUT you can exhibit these traits while still being respectful.
It’s really just a mindset shift, I relate to you because traditionally I’ve always prided myself in being respectful/polite but I learned quick those aren’t necessarily the traits women want. And to take it a step further, you should ask yourself why you’re being polite. Majority of the time (whether he’s aware of it or not) a man is polite because deep down he thinks it’ll get him something, and if you really think about it that’s not admirable. What’s admirable and hot is a man who does WHAT HE WANTS, independent of whether or not someone else wants it. That’s hot, that’s masculine, that’s attractive. Again, all of this is within the bounds of being respectful, it is possible to lead your actions with what you want while still being respectful. If you can find that sweet spot of doing what you want on your own terms while still being respectful that’s where you discover (what I like to call) the ultimate “Gentle-Man” – The archetypical hot and attractive man that women love. Think about a James Bond type character (Daniel Craig’s version of him at least) he was a bad boy who lived life on the edge and on his terms BUT when it came to women he was always respectful and knew how to be soft with them, all while still doing what HE wanted. That’s the sweet spot.
It’s as simple as this, the goal to being more masculine isn’t to try and act more “masculine”. You are already a man, a lion doesn’t have to try to act more like a lion, that doesn’t even make sense. BE YOU, Your true authentic self, be and act how YOU want to act, and stop being so considerate of whether or not someone else will like it, what they think is irreverent – this is true “masculinity” at its core, and women love that.
PS – The translation of the statement you seem to repeatedly get from women who’ve told you they “don’t feel desired enough” by you is this: They want you to desire them so much that you can’t help yourself but lose yourself when it comes to loving them. A man who has to stop and think and be careful with every move he makes with a woman doesn’t desire her enough from a conceptual perspective. Imagine a man who is so in love, who’s passion is so intense he can’t hold it in, his desire so strong that it overrides all logic/caution – imagine how a man like that would fuck a woman. You think he’s gonna be cautious and careful? Nah he’s gonna lose himself everytime he makes love with his girl – and that shit is HOT to women, THATS WHAT THEY WANT/FANTASIZE ABOUT. I highly recommend reading the book Models by Mark Manson, that’s probably the best source of knowledge I’ve come across that has to do with dating women without all the toxic filler that a lot of other modern dating advice tends to have. I highly recommend, opened my eyes and made everything make sense to me.
When you are being intimate it’s important to feel in the moment and tap into your desire for more. Like imagining a couple steps ahead of where you are and getting excited/start kissing and holding more vigorously. Respond to her body language as well so if she isn’t reciprocating you can ease up.
I’ve dated guys who didn’t show desire in that way and it’s wasn’t the same. Think about lust and what it means to you and how you feel about your current partner. Are you comfortable with feeling lust?
I would go through imagining some scenarios when masturbating and try and tap into that confidence while alone as well. If you are jerking off in a cloud of shame, that could be coming through when it’s time to feel confident and in charge with your partner.
I got you, I’m a lot like you on this, and I believe that something that could help is 1) talking with her about your fear of being rude with her or make her feel uncomfortable, so she can stand where you’re at, and 2) build up the confidence of how “intense” can you touch or kiss her without making her feel uncomfortable. I kind of get that you need to build the confidence on how can you approach her, and if she knows it, maybe she will be willing to help whit it.
Dunno really, I just say sleazy stuff and come out with lots of double entendres which makes them laugh, as well as give lots of appropriate compliments, not necessarily just about looks.
Seems to work so far anyway
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Vibe, make statements that show intent, flirt, tease, and escalate physical contact.
If she gives you consent to manhandle her, then you should. If she wants you to be more dominant that’s what you should do.
Respect it’s about the boundaries she has, if she says she wishes you would push further, you should, as image is giving you consent. If she doesn’t give you consent then dont.
Don’t treat her like your sister, or your mum.. treat her like a woman you want to fuck.