My relationship of 10 years may be ending with my wife. I consider myself a Christian, she doesn’t. But that’s not the basis of the reason why I want a divorce. I’ve caught her 4x now chatting with men of her past and engaging in flirty / sexual banter. 3x while we were dating and another time now while we’ve been married the past year and a half. Idk what to do, my mind and heart is on the brink of giving up on my wife and relationship. I feel like such a fool and that I’ve wasted the past ten years of my life trying to have a relationship with my wife.
We spoke about this last night and she keeps blaming her parents and other things in the past for how she is. It’s so childish…she’s a 30 year old adult. She’s in charge of her behavior and actions, not her parents. I proposed doing marriage, or some sort of couples counseling before we went to bed. But now after I’ve gotten some sleep, I don’t know if I even want to go forward with counseling. Maybe some sort of counseling for myself. Because literally every relationship I’ve had from a teenager to now has ended in infidelity. Which has resulted in a huge blow to my confidence, trust and self love.
We rent a one bedroom apartment and we’re supposed to see her side of the family for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I’m thinking of asking her to call her parents and explain what happened, because I’m thinking of asking her to leave for a few days so I can be alone. I know she doesn’t have anywhere to go besides her parents house. So that’s why I’m considering asking her to explain to her parents what happened last night so she has a place to go when I ask her to leave.
I just feel so numb right now…I want to grieve and cry but I can’t…or have an inability to do so. My eyes tear up, and I feel like I want to cry but then it just goes away. I feel like my heart is hardening and I just don’t know what to do anymore…
7 comments
I’m not sure you will get her to admit her faults to her parents, especially after she threw her parents under the bus.
I don’t think she would ever agree to cheating if at this age she still blames her parents for some things happening to her that’s a red flag and you need to get to her before she gets to you
Most people are incapable of real change, it’s much easier to blame others or something else for our faults. It takes real strength, discipline, awareness, and desire to change ourselves… but that takes work, and forces us to face the reality that we’re flawed.
Therapy can help, can also be useless… but your wife must be willing to change. Sounds like she continues to make excuses and justify her behavior at times… if there’s no willingness to change, only rock-bottom wakes people up, and sometimes not even then.
Sounds like you’ve tried to be patient and supportive, but if she continues to abuse you via cheating (which is what she’s doing, physical or not) and blameshifts her faults elsewhere… I’m not sure how long I could tolerate that.
So, she’s always behaved this way: *Monogamous, but behaving in ways you both agree are bad for the relationship*. Maybe it’s that you’ve changed. Like, you’re not going to put up with this anymore.
About Thanksgiving: Call you FIL and be honest: “I really need some time alone. I’m sorry if this throws a wrench in your plans.”
If you file for divorce you can feel free to tell people anything you want them to know.
Lesson learned. Next time don’t trust someone who betrayed you 3 times
Sorry OP. Sound like she has a personality disorder and/or unresolved trauma if she is blaming her parents. Does not excuse the cheating but she needs help either way. Good luck.
I would just tell her to leave then she can explained to her parents why she’s not in the house. I wouldn’t ask her for anything sounds like a real winner there . I would call them myself and tell them before she does and turns it around on you that’s what will happen . I told my in-laws they weren’t to happy with hee daughter