This may be a little TMI but for context its probably necessary.
All of this started when I asked him if we could start spicing things up a little in bed. We’ve been together a while, married for 4 years after dating for 1 year, so I didnt think it would be a big deal. Things just felt really repetitive and not exciting.
I didnt tell him that, I just said I wanted to try some new things since I never had a chance to. The major things were roeplaying (Meeting at a bar, pretending we dont know each other, plumber visit, and librarian specifically), female domination, and leather and blindfolds.. those were the only things I have presented to him so far.
He seemed happy with my suggestions and said I should I start taking lead sometimes in bed. The next time we had sex, I tried to by guiding his hand to my little beany friend while I was on top of him him, and he got so mad that he pushed me off immediately and I fell off the bed and chipped my tooth.
He was all “Dont ever do that shit again,” but wouldnt specify what exactly so I assume it was guiding his hand. He apologized and payed for my dental visit but I asked again what exactly I did that made him react like that, when we already have a safe word he could’ve used if I was hurting him or making him uncomfortable. Didnt need to push me. He stopped talking to me for 6 whole days and did not say a single word to me, ate dinner in another room, slept on the couch, etc. We made eye contact occasionally but that was it.
That was in October shortly before Halloween. Eventually he came around and said he doesn’t know why he reacted like that but he didn’t like any of it. I told him I wont get on top anymore and he said “no not that, just forget it and lets move on”
Okay… I can let this one go since we have a happy marriage 90% of the time. Plus I was just happy to have my husband back. Those days of silent treatment were the first time I ever considered the D word. We get back to our regular sex lives and a 3 days ago he asks if we can try some of that stuff I wanted to. I asked if he wanted to maybe review some porn videos I could pick out to see if they’re things he’s okay with, so that we dont have a repeat of last time. He said no, its fine, lets just try.
That seemed silly to me so when we started trying the female domination I gave him a run down of everything I was going to do (in as sexy of way of possible) while showering together before we started. Everythings going great, I know 100% he’s enjoying it, he finishes louder/harder/better than I’ve ever seen before and so do I and RIGHT after he damn near throws me off him and HAS NOT SPOKEN A SINGLE WORD TO ME SINCE!!!
At home, packing our bags, going to the airport, getting to his parents house.. he has not directly spoken to me since. Not a word. He is still eating at the dinner table with me, and sleeping in bed with me this time, and he will show me something on his phone if needed (flight information, car rental, etc) or I ask but if its personal or regarding him/his mood/the silence… no reaction. My mother and sister in law have both asked me if we’re going through a rough patch and all I could do was shrug.
They went skiing today and I faked sick to stay at the cabin and my husband didnt blink. His dad/my father in law suggested he should stay behind and take care of me and he completely ignored him. Now some of his family members are giving me the cold shoulder because they think I did something wrong when as far as I’m aware I didnt?
I dont know what to do. Or how I’m supposed to even have a healthy marriage with someone who wont fucking talk. These are the only two times he has ever given me the silent treatment in the years we’ve been together. How do I navigate this?
38 comments
how I’m supposed to even have a healthy marriage with someone who wont fucking talk.
This right here OP. You can’t. The silent treatment is immature and manipulative. He needs to find his words because he’s gotten violent twice now. You are the injured party here and he’s flipped that script. If he won’t open up to you (or a therapist) the D word should be on the table.
Something about that isn’t right. I mean, you can’t have a functional relationship with someone who goes silent for days at a time. This is the kind of thing a therapist needs to unpick.
If he won’t talk to you about it, recommend MC when you get home.
When he comes back, tell him until he can tell you why he gets physical with you that you’re not comfortable having sex with him for the time being. And tell him you are tired of getting the silent treatment when all you want is answers. I would also say how this making you rethink your marriage since he refuses to use his words and how immature it is, too. Because he is too old to be acting like this. Also, bring up him that he needs to do therapy/marriage consulting because this is will become a huge issue if he doesn’t work on himself soon.
I could be wrong and I’m basing this opinion solely on what you’ve written but it seems like your husband enjoys being dominated quite a bit but then apparently feels so emasculated afterwards that he actually gets physical and gives you the silent treatment.
This is not okay. Whatever hang ups he has about kinky side of se* he needs to resolve without blaming you. Maybe he needs therapy, idk. But the way he is behaving is a huge red flag. He is basically blaming you for his feelings and actions.
You have been more patient than most with his silent treatment, not to mention the bigger problem of him getting physically violent. If I were you, I’d tell him to start speaking to you or to a professional or your marriage is in serious trouble. That you will no longer be his emotional and physical punching bag (because that’s what you are OP; he’s treating you like dirt). Also tell him you expect an explanation and an apology for assaulting you twice now and for his childish behavior afterwards.
Seriously OP. This is not normal behavior. Your husband sounds awful. While you are holding on to the hope of your marriage being ‘good’ 90% of the time, if this continues (which it will), that toxic, remaining 10% will poison the rest of your marriage and pretty soon eat you alive. You need to start holding your husband accountable and figure out how to move forward depending on how he responds. Either way, you need to stop silently taking his abuse.
I personally would stop having sex with him and when he asks why tell him that he’s being emotionally abusive towards you immediately after, and now your scared to have sex with him. His silent treatment and ignoring you is childish and immature! Something is triggering him to respond that way, and he needs to come clean about it. Could he be thinking that you are cheating on him and that’s how you know what to do!
Divorce. This is emotional abuse. This is not okay.
He may have trauma but you did everything to make him comfortable, he didn’t disclose anything and THIS WAS HIS IDEA.
You deserve someone who will communicate with you when there is a problem not emotionally abuse you.
Updateme!
Op you should pack your stuff and go home.
I’m really sorry OP but this marriage is over. If my boyfriend inadvertently chipped my tooth he would be devastated. Yet yours gave you the cold shoulder for 6 days?
And now for a second time he’s letting his weird punishment affect your relationship with his family?
Whatever his reaspns for a strange reaction, this man doesn’t respect or care about you anywhere close enough to call you his wife. You’ve done as much as you can to make you comfortable and not only is he not meeting you half way, he’s purposely, emotionally abusing you.
This sounded like some David Fincher shit.
This is abusive. There is something bigger going on here.
Not that I’m excusing his actions, but this reads strongly of past trauma / sexual abuse. Strong chance he was a victim when he was younger and is reacting this way because that kind of behavior in bed is triggering him.
He needs to start seeing a therapist.
The silent treatment is honestly abusive.
How to handle it?
If I were in your situation, I’d change my flight and go home. I would tell him he is required to go to individual therapy and marriage counseling or you will be filing a legal separation or divorce.
He broke your tooth and then had the gall to not speak to you for six days. Silent treatment is abuse (look it up ). The fact he’s doing it in front of his family is added humiliation.
Please go home and take yourself out of that situation.
Uh he sounds like a fuckin psycho
You can’t
what the actual fuck??
“You can talk to be properly about why you are abusing me, or we are done. I’m not goin to be your punching bag.”
This is childish and abusive. Maybe he has some trauma that you don’t know about regarding this but you need to tell him that either he gets counseling or you’re leaving him. Draw a hard line in the sand on this. He clearly has by chipping your tooth. It’s not okay! Tell him that the silent treatment is never okay and he’s a grown man who can use his words. Then be prepared to follow through. I am a firm believer that you teach people how to treat you. My husband tried the silent treatment once and I showed him that I was not going to beg him to speak to me. I just went about my business. When he finally decided to communicate, I told him that if he ever chose to do it again that I would take it as his ego was more important to him than speaking like an adult about our relationship. Silent treatment is a deal breaker for me because my mother did it to me and it’s triggering.
From what I understand i think he hurts you when you orgasm and he feels emasculated… This is not okay. He is physically and emotionally abusing you. Im going to be really honest with you as someone who was sexually abused when i was a child- if i ever feel uncomfortable when having sex i never have resulted in physically abusing someone. Whatever is triggering him doing this to you cannot be justified at all. There is no excuse.
If he can’t articulate what he wants or doesn’t want and gives you the silent treatment, then you need a marriage counselor. Also, no more “spicing things up” until he can communicate with you and handle the aftermath in an adult manner.
Maybe he has some trauma around certain bedroom activities. Or maybe he has some kind of neuroses about his masculinity. Either way, it’s no excuse for the way he’s treating you.
If I were you, I’d sit him down when you guys have some time to yourselves and tell him that he needs to agree to couples counseling. If he won’t agree to that, or if he goes but doesn’t take it seriously, divorce him. You don’t deserve to be abused.
Your husband is an immature, sexually repressed emotionally (and physically) abusive jackass. Unless he is willing to go to intensive counseling, on his own to start, I’m sorry to say, you need to dump him.
I’d stay for the food then pack my shit and gtfo.
You have a man child who doesn’t understand that women are more than just a sex doll and we have wants and needs.
Op, unless he talks to you. Go home anyway you can.
I’m always one to stand my ground. I’d ask him straight up during the meal tomorrow if he is going to talk about his problems?
He broke your tooth and threw you out of the shower?? And you are staying?? Eventhough he barely apologizes???
Obviously he’s got something here he needs to work through. Perhaps he’s been raped. Maybe he’s afraid of his own kinks. He needs professional help.
Whatever it is, it’s no excuse for abuse and you’re not helping him by accepting it. Hold a hard line, tell him this behavior doesn’t work for you and that you’ll need to take some time to focus on yourself and recover from this. Find somewhere to go for at least a couple weeks and don’t let him visit.
Take some time just doing what you want to do every day and taking care of yourself with lots of sleep, hydration, nutrition, movement, and deep breathing. Don’t try to figure anything out, just let your next steps come into clarity on their own.
If he spends this time apart ignoring you, blaming you, or shit talking you to other people, file for divorce. If he is worthy of you he will take responsibility for his behavior, do a real repair, make it up to you, and take steps to ensure this never, ever happens again.
He’s abusing you. You are not safe.
>he got so mad that he pushed me off immediately and I fell off the bed and chipped my tooth.
>He stopped talking to me for 6 whole days and did not say a single word to me, ate dinner in another room, slept on the couch, etc.
>he damn near throws me off him and HAS NOT SPOKEN A SINGLE WORD TO ME SINCE!!!
This is abusive. This is toxic and unhealthy.
Your marriage isn’t healthy. Which is clear to everyone around you.
Sounds like he had a trauma response. Tread carefully.
I can’t help but wonder if this reaction is one of two things :
1) A trauma response to something that happened to him a long time ago.
Or
2) He suspects you are learning these new tricks from cheating. And I’ll be honest, my husband tried a couple “new tricks” with me a while back and all I could think is “Where did he learn that…” to the point of obsession.
🧐
I actually think he sounds like he’s processing sexual trauma, perhaps that he’s not aware of. His reaction/ behavior isn’t excusable but their may be an explanation.
Pack you bags and go back home and start on the divorce papers. He is not honoring his vows, is being violent with you, and is not communicating. Leave him.
Your husband is abusive and has shown that it’s not just a one time thing, it’s a pattern. It should have been over when he broke your tooth but there’s no time like the present.
So let me understand.
He physically and emotionally abuses you and YOU are wondering HOW to have a healthy marriage?
So just so you know it takes 2 mentally healthy people to have a healthy marriage. If your partner is into emotionally and physically abusing you – healthy is already through the window.
Wait did I read that wrong or did you try to get him to rub your clit and instead he broke you fucking tooth and refused to speak to you for nearly a week when you tried to talk about it?
There is a lot I could say but I think many other posters have covered it so instead I want to ask: if your sister or best friend or someone you loved came to you and told you everything you told us in this post, what would your honest advice to her be?
This is sort out of left field here but a few years back my friend was in a similar situation. Whenever she orgasmed from her actions (guiding hand to clit, dominating etc) he would shut down emotionally. Not to the extent your husband is but it still really hurt her. Turn out he was a CSA survivor and had been used to give her orgasms.
If she came from him being on top or “in control” it was fine, but as soon as he lost control he shut down. He got therapy, they got therapy and are doing great but just a consideration.
It sounds like your husband’s fantasy is to punish you for showing any sexual autonomy with physical abuse, mental abuse and public shaming. I would send his ass divorce papers, and tell him since he has nothing to say to you, he can say it all to your lawyer. Don’t let this man waste one more second of your life.
For an added bonus, leave early and announce to his whole family that his silent treatment is part of a cycle of sexual abuse he’s started where he lures you into a sense of false security about trying something new, then physically assaults and/or mentally abuses you afterwards to punish you for daring to have an original idea about sex. Tell them that the next woman can deal with his abuse because you’re done.