Out of nowhere, my bf’s ex (they broke up a year and half ago) just messaged my partner and asked him if he can come to her house to see her kid (that is not his, but someone else’s, but when they were dating, he was also taking care of her kid). My bf told me about her messaging him and was seriously thinking about going there to see them, but firstly, wanted to know my opinion.
He told me she says her kid has been asking about him and wants to see him. I find it weird, this ex never asked him to visit her house until she found out I am dating the guy who once was hers. She also messages my bf’s friends and mainly his family trying to make them see her kid and also her. She also appears wherever we are…
We have talked about it with my partner….but two weeks after this conversation, he invited her to his birthday party. Seriously, man? It was disappointing. I talked to him about it and he said he’s sorry, he didn’t think it through and didn’t expect I wouldn’t want her there and then – he made sure the invitation gets canceled, but still…
His friends and family are on my side, they say she’s promiscuous and not a good person and we still feel like she’s trying to pull him back to her… or she’s just jealous he’s in a new relationship. Like, why would you message and invite your ex to your house if he’s in relationship..?!
And because we have a couple of common friends, she is invited to a christmas party where I’ll be with my partner too. Not sure how to behave around her without accidentally throwing a bottle of beer at her (after I drink the beer, of course, the beer doesn’t deserve to be hit..just a bad joke, sorry). I mean, I can feel it in my bones something’s up.
My partner tries his best to make me feel loved, he works hard on our relationship (after I told him how I feel about her)..but still…she still tries…
31 comments
Mmm. This does sound a little sus. Your bf shouldn’t even be entertaining the thought of seeing her, if she’s had no contact for 18 months or so. It would be different if he’d stayed in contact throughout for the child’s sake, but to do it out of the blue? Not only that, but it would confuse the children. However, it does seem like your BF is doing everything in his power not to upset you, but he needs to completely cut contact with her. She has zero business being in his life now apart from parties through mutual friends and the like. If he has any respect for you and your relationship, he’d nip it in the bud NOW. Best of luck sweetie xxx
Ok, i agree this is suspicious, I don’t agree that her being promiscuous makes her a bad person tho. And sounds like your bf needs to set some boundaries, I get the kid and him might have a bond so that’s tricky but I have a feeling it might not be about the kid.
Also how can he not think you would be uncomfortable with his ex at his party? That’s just weird.
However, if you trust him you shouldn’t be worried. Still talk about it with him, and make sure he understands your point of view. And ask him what he thinks about the situation.
She wants to create a “parental figure” narrative.
Depening on which country you are in, that might qualify her for child support from bf.
Or she uses kid to guilttrip bf into paying something.
At least she will expact christmas gifts (from bf and his family)
She is trying to pull him back, if he goes it won’t be just once
Don’t get violent at parties, be polite but cold.
Ask him if he’s the father. When he says no, ask him if he wants to be their stepfather. When he says no, explain any interaction from him toward this lady and her kids will get blown out of proportion and his ex will create a father figure out of him whether he likes it or not. Tell him if he’s serious about not wanting to be a stepfather to those children that he needs to cut all contact with this lady besides being polite at social events for conversations that last less than two minutes
How long was he with his ex? How old is the child? When you see her at this party you should be polite, not make a big deal out of it. If she feels like you are angry or worried or threatened(even if you aren’t) she is likely to feed into that. Your boyfriend needs to tell her plainly and firmly going forward it’s best to not have contact anymore.
The kid has nothing to do with him anymore and it’s only going to confuse the child more having someone dip in and out of their life. Sounds like she’s trying to worm her way back in. Set him boundaries and tell him he wouldn’t like it if you were still visiting an ex. For the party, make sure you’re looking HOT and mark your territory 😂😂 best of luck
This is a boyfriend issue.
He sounds like he is easily emotionally manipulated by this woman. And needs to shut her down and tell her he does not want contact with her. Period and then act on it. She can do whatever she wants but it’s your BF’s job to set boundaries with her. If he is truly over her and cared about your relationship this would not be hard. You got good advice here. You also need to think about what your boundaries are. What will you do if after talking to him he continues to respond to her? Figure that out and then tell him so he is aware of what the consequences of his actions will be on his relationship with you. What he does after that will be telling
If he’s not interested in being uncle exbf than he needs to stop contact. If he is interested than he needs to be honest with you and you will need to make some decisions.
IMO you have a boyfriend problem. She wouldn’t be an issue if he wasn’t letting her be one.
Next time she invites him, accept. Tell him you’ll be glad to go with him. Her response to you tagging along will tell you exactly what her intentions are.
If he goes you go to. 🤷🏻♀️
He’s seeing the kid, she should have no problem with you tagging along.
If not that’s not his son, he’s not obligated to see him or do anything for him, so stress that to him and how the situation makes you feel.
Why is he still in contact with her ? Especially if the kid is not his ?
If he’s not trying to play daddy to her kids, he shouldn’t be around them or her.
Ok so here is the thing. If he was close with the kid that pulls on those heart strings. The real trick is to realize, being a part time figure in the child’s life after being a mainstay sends so many mixed signals. You either stay as a coparent or you walk away for good. Anything in between to a small child is not healthy. Mist child psychologists will agree. That is how you sell him on how bad an idea this is. If he cares about the kid he will just stay gone.
She wants a baby daddy, and your boyfriend wants a backup plan.
He needs to either be in that kid’s life 100% or out of it 100%. Coming and going is to do much more harm than good.
If you’ve made your position clear and he hasn’t drawn boundaries with her it’s because he just doesn’t want to. I think your intuition is pretty clearly correct here.
I’d say you should show your bf this post to show him how you feel and how other people are perceiving his behavior as well.
She’s obviously trying to break the two of you up so she can move in and snag him. There’s no other reason why she keeps contacting him if he’s not the father of the child. She just wants him on the hook.
It definitely sounds like she is using her kid to reel him in. Sounds like a case of her not being able to stand him dating other people. I would pull together all the evidence you have of her being meddlesome and shady and use it to state your case why you feel he should cut her out for good.
I’d say “You asked for my opinion and this is it. She is your ex for a reason. Coming in and out of this kids life is not in their best interest. You both need a clean break. She should stay in the past. I don’t think she can’t be trusted to behave respectful of our relationship and not use her kid to insert herself in our lives over and over. Your call but you know where I stand on this. I’m done with her ass and personally will not engage with her. My hope is you will put an end to it too.”
Give him a choice. See which way he chooses. If he’s smart, he’ll ignore this woman’s request.
Gurl she might be trying to steal your boyfriend, but the real question is, does he wanna be stolen? Imo if the kid is not his, he has no business being there.
Is your bf stupid or something? Why is he even entertaining this BS? His EX with A KID THAT IS NOT HIS, who is telling him this kid wants to see him, is being invited to his birthday party? What possible reason could there be for that? Why hasn’t this lady been entirely cut off already?
It sounds to me like your BF likes the attention from the crazy ex, and won’t make her stop unless you force him to. Like seriously what possible reason does he have to invite her over? and then to say oh I didn’t realize it would bother you? This guy thinks he’s the main character in a rom com where two women are fighting over him and he’s trying to calm both of them down so they both stay into him.
Is he talking to her throughout all of this? Like when you said you didn’t feel comfortable with him going to her place, did he text her and say he’s not going because its inappropriate or did he say I’m not going because my new gf doesn’t want me to? And then to coddle her hurt feelings he invites her to the bday party and pretends like he didn’t realize you’d get mad. Oh whoops I accidently invited my ex who wanted me to go to her house alone, to our house for my bday. WHOOPSIE!
Him going to her house to “see the kid” is basically him going to “Netflix and chill” with her, btw.
Are you sure it isn’t his kid?
Your boyfriend is not that bright and full of shit, thinking you wouldn’t be upset for him inviting his ex to the birthday party. Tell him to sever all ties with her and the son or the relationship is over.
Yeah this wouldn’t be my bf anymore lol. If he wants to see an ex this often… cool, the ex can have him!
This sounds like an issue with your boyfriend, and I also have a feeling there’s a LOTTtT he isn’t telling you about their history and dynamic.
You don’t have an ex gf problem, you have a bf problem. This is your boyfriend fault, he’s inviting her, he’s going to see her. You sure he doesn’t have feelings for her. Please rethink this relationship.
Sounds like the boyfriend is the problem
Been through this exact thing felt like I was reading my life a year ago.
Let me just say it has nothing to do with the kid and more the fact his ex is jealous he moved on.
She will continue to try until he completely shuts if down and cuts contact.
Btw you’re not crazy you can just see through the manipulation
The ex is trying to fuck your boyfriend and become his girlfriend again. Your boyfriend invited her to the birthday party (AFTER you showed discomfort) clearing showing he hasn’t put up boundaries to respect your romantic relationship.
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It’s a lost battle, I’m so sorry. Next steps depend on how long it takes you to realize this this relationship has no healthy future. Good luck.
His family is assessing the situation accurately (as are you – his family’s assessment just validates this further). The fact that he invited her to his birthday party means she has SOME pull on him still. He needs to set the clear, firm boundary that no he is not interested and he is happy with someone else.
She just wants his attention and is a jealous pain in the ass person. Make it clear that you are not okay with this. The fact that his family agrees with you makes me presume that you/him are a healthy, stable relationship versus her/him was toxic and dramatic? Am I correct? If so there’s this weird phenomenon where he has matured enough to choose and seek a healthy, stable woman BUT is kind of like – missing the drama (which is part of the brain like…growing last dysfunction). It can have weird effects on people who are otherwise happy and with the right person. He needs to have no contact with her and she needs to go away. Otherwise he may “slip” – in which case I would put money on him regretting it immensely and just learning that she is as awful as he thought and that you were the right choice all along. But you don’t deserve that. His family seems aware of this! Also, maybe I made this up…
About the Christmas party, you get dressed and styled in a way that makes you feel confident as hell. You carry that confidence with you through the night. You are cold but polite to her, you are pleasant, lovely, and well behaved to everyone else. Don’t shy away from touching him every so often and just ya know, appearing absolutely wonderful and unbothered by her existence and super secure in your relationship. Good luck!
I don’t think your boyfriend is trying hard enough to leave ex-gf in the past. It keeps happening and he keeps apologizing.
A man in love does not invite his ex to his b-day.