I started dating my boyfriend when I was 17. This was my first serious relationship, and he is the only person I’ve been with. He is my best friend and I love him so so much. He tells me every day how much he loves me and how he is going to marry me. We recently moved in together and I am starting to realize that this might not be what I want.
My main issue is we have very different ideas of what we want in our futures. I want to travel and see the world and want to move to a coastal city once I can afford it. He has never traveled or even left the province and has no desire to. He works a blue-collar job and thinks if we moved he wouldn’t be able to find a job that pays well enough as what he does now, so he wants to live on our hometown for the rest of his life. Like I said before, I love him more than anything, but I don’t know if I can make that sacrifice for him and stay here for the rest of my life.
The other issue I have feels so selfish but it’s how I feel. He took my virginity and was my first real boyfriend. I didn’t date very much in high school, so I feel like I missed out on dating and being single as an adult. He also doesn’t like when I go to parties or go out drinking without him. I feel like I’ve missed out on a big part of my life. I’m 19 and almost never go out because he makes me feel so guilty for it. Just to clarify, I would be going out to dance and be with my friends, not to flirt or hook up with other guys.
I have to make a decision thats going to alter the course of my life. I could stay with him because I love him and he treats me well, but I will most likely not get to live the lifestyle I want. Or I leave him and live with a broken heart but get to travel and live where I want and have some more freedom to do what I want. I wish there was a way I could have both, but I don’t think there is. What do I do?
39 comments
You said you feel like you have missed out on some things in life due to your relationship with him. So what would happen to the relationship if you did those things while still in this relationship?
He doesn’t like it when you go out with friends. Do it anyway and see what happens? He can’t make you feel guilty or any kind of way about it if you don’t let him, right? When he says whatever he says, just don’t let it bother you.
Would he get mad? Would he break up with you? Give you the silent treatment? What would happen if you just do what you want to do?
You’re what? 19? A lot will change in life in the coming years. Life will take you on a ride of lots of twists and turns and nothing will likely turn out as you think it will. Do what you want to do. Live the life you want to live and don’t make decisions at this point based on someone else’s preferences. Broken hearts mend and we move on. Not being happy about your choices leaves us bitter.
If you do what you want to do, he may be fine with it. He may just decide he’d rather move than be without you. He may learn to trust you when you’re out with friends.
Do you.
If he doesn’t go along with your needs, i think you should break up and live your life. Be happy. If you dont, you may regret it, and you may end up resenting him for choices you made.
break up with him. You were kids when u first started dating,. . It is okay to change. Just know you will be taking a risk leaving what you know but life is too short not to take chnaces.
I’ll be honest, In my opinion your “problems” with him are just kids problems. You are immature. Breaking up with your boyfriend because RIGHT NOW he tells you he wants to do this or that. Because maybe he doesn’t want to travel RIGHT NOW that’s immature as hell. You’re like a little spoiled brat and possibly you should break up with him and live the wonderful traveling and clubbing life! You don’t deserve him, you deserve to be alone and get passed around as a blunt.
The whole traveling he might do it, convince him. The clubs, why don’t you go with him? Also, I don’t know your status, but shit I might want a house in the Bahamas but I know that it’s just a dream because I don’t have the money.
Now if your goal in life is to stay single forever and never have a relationship then break up with him. But if you believe in marriage and love then talk to him and both of y’all commit to each other.
Yeah, I’m afraid you guys aren’t compatible. The thing is, when you’re 17, all you really need for compatibility is to think each other is good looking and get along with each other. Once you’re out of school and starting life, compatibility gets a LOT more complicated. You may have a lot in common and really love each other, but if you guys want completely different things out of life (which it sounds like you do), this isn’t going to work. One or both of you will be dissatisfied, and probably become resentful. 😕
Break up. Live your life and don’t look back.
To be honest I was kind of on his side for a minute there. I think what you plan to do in the future at 19 is usually very different to what you end up doing, and travelling can be negotiated on. Also, being single and dating might look like fun, but in reality it fucking sucks, if I could go back to 17 and meet somebody and spend my life with them I would 100% pass up on all the dating I have done.
Andddd then you brought up the controlling and guilting behaviour for if you go out with your friends. I have never had the desire to stop a girlfriend going out and enjoying herself, the reason he is doing that is because he has trust issues, and given that (hopefully) you would never cheat, you don’t deserve to be a victim of his insecurities. Go date a real man who understands you have needs outside of the relationship also.
Moving to a different city can seem intimidating. But as a 25-year-old who has done this multiple times, it’s not that hard. Finding a job is a numbers game. You must perfect your resume and apply to multiple places to get one offer. I’m sure he can find a job in a coastal city if it’s not outside his country. Immigrating from one country to another can be costly and time-consuming.
>Like I said before, I love him more than anything, but I don’t know if I can make that sacrifice for him and stay here for the rest of my life.
so you DONT love him more than anything… and thats perfectly ok. but dont say it at first.
It feels like you will cheat on him first chance to make up for your “missed out” adventures, so if anything you should break up with him to save him the emotional trouble in the future.
I think there should be room for compromise and if there isn’t, that’s your sign. The guy I’m seeing has no desire to live elsewhere or travel, but he would simply because it’s important to me. He has things he wants/doesn’t want in terms of these things and so a compromise is made to make sure I’m happy and so is he. If your bf can’t do this for you… Leave.
Been there, honey. I left. I’ve never regretted doing so. I would’ve been absolutely miserable had I stayed with him. On the contrary, I was true to myself and have built the kind of life I’ve always wanted, the kind of life I deserve. And I travel as much as I want.
My ex never grew up, never learned how to communicate and had the ambition of a rock. I grew up very poor. There was no way I was going to live that kind of life as an adult.
I can’t imagine being in a relationship where my partner doesn’t want me to go out to parties or drink without them. That feels restrictive and suffocating, and ensures that you don’t really have an identity outside of them. I wouldn’t want that for myself. If you’re going different directions in life, it’s time to have an extremely transparent discussion about where you guys stand.
Drinking at 19 ☠️, but no seriously it could work if you just travel here and there and talk about the trust issues. If he loved you he would understand
I dont suggest giving an ultimatum.. ultimatums usually never help anything but you do have to decide what’s right for you and if this is a dealbreaker. You may resent him in the future for feeling “stuck” and if you do decide to leave and travel you may feel much more fulfilled knowing you’ve gone where your heart lead you. If he truly will not take this step with you then what meant to be, will be and the relationship with take a natural path of separation.
I hope you do live your life to the fullest no matter where that leads you and take care of yourself first.
You guys are both still pretty young by the sounds of it. If you see a future with him, talk to him about what you want. Have a serious conversation about it. Let him say the same. Look at where you guys want to be in the future, where you are, and how can you get there. There’s always ways to work things out together (as long as both people are willing to work for it). It’s a relationship, you guys should be able to grow together and have dreams together and breach them together. If you feel you can’t, or he feels he can’t, THATS when you guys discuss on how to make things work. Ending the relationship is a permanent solution and you may be able to get what you want in the future, but is it worth losing someone you love? Unfortunately sacrifices are made in relationships, no matter what. It’s up to both of you to figure out how to mitigate those sacrifices though. I’m not saying leave him and I’m not saying just accept the future. Both of those are two extreme solutions and should only be the final options. Definitely talk seriously and deeply about what you both want.
If I was you….both of you still being young you both have the opportunity to enjoy the world before it’s too late.
Try to do it together. if I was you, slowly but surely push him out of his comfort zone. Maybe start with some weekend trips to a nearby city, go hiking, go camping together etc. If he’s working a blue collar job, I guarantee you he very tired constantly and maybe just wants to relax. Try to find things that can cater to what you both want, get him to want to travel more or get him to feel more comfortable with it. Again, just try to make things work. Both of you. If you guys really love each other and want to be together (not saying you don’t) then you BOTH will be willing to compromise for one another while still being able to achieve what you’d like to.
In summary….just talk, work it out, find ways, love each other, respect each other, and be considerate, Live life. I see a lot of people saying just leave him, but what have you both done to try to find a solution? Please don’t go to extreme permanent solutions before deeply discussing issues and what can be done.
I hope every works out for the both of you and I hope you both can work towards a solution for happiness. Really
27(M). I’m just going to address the third paragraph as I don’t have anything to say about the rest.
You don’t realize how extremely lucky you were to find someone you meshed so well with basically the first time you tried.
The grass *is not* greener on the other side of the fence. *I repeat* it is not greener. I don’t care what gender you are, dating a grueling process and apps have only made it more of a shit show.
While breaking up because you have vastly different plans for the future is a valid reason, breaking up because you don’t think you dated enough other people is not, I can’t begin to explain how much stress and effort you saved yourself, by being lucky enough to find someone like that so soon in life.
If the relationship runs it’s course because of the incompatible future issue, you’ll see what I’m talking about for yourself.
Best of luck to you!
No disrespect but it sounds like he’s old school provide and protect mentality while you want to live the street life the majority of females are living now a days. Talk this over with him. How you feel, yes take advice from reddit but if he doesnt know how youre feeling then there’s no way you can both come to an agreement by talking about it.
Short answer: Yes
It’s inevitable anyway. You want to travel the world and he never wants to leave his hometown. A break up is inevitable.
These feelings are only going to get worse make the right decision no matter how difficult, and make it sooner than later the older you get the faster the time will go and the less in control of the situation you’ll feel.
If you stay you’ll probably resent him.
The amount of songs that have been written about the exact situation you are in is incalculable. Hell the whole country music market is built on situations like this. So from all of the media I have consumed about this topic I can tell you this.
You are fucked if you do and fucked if you don’t. Not matter what you pick there will always be that “what if” about the other side. If you stay, you are going to regret not going to the “big city” and if you leave you will always wonder if life would have been better “back home with my high-school sweet heart”.
Honesty just go with your heart and try to make the best out of which ever decision you come to because neither will be perfect. Either decision will have its fair share of rough spots that will make you look back and question this moment and the decision you made in it but you just have to keep going.
Good luck.
Just my two cents but as a 26M. Dating absolutely sucks. Most of the people won’t be that interesting and the dates aren’t going to be that fun/memorable. If I had the chance to go back and work harder on a couple of the relationships I did have I’d 10000% do it.
We always think that we have forever to make this kind of a decision when in reality we don’t.
Keep talking to him. Most coastal cities are expanding and there is no shortage blue collar jobs and to be honest the pay kinda scales at least a little bit with cost of living. I would assume you’re not going to move to a city without researching what’s available there.
As far as going out goes I could only advise sending him a text or a call here and there to ease his mind.
You’re not missing out on much not being single as a young adult.
I’ve never wanted to stay in my hometown/small cities. I would break up with the love of my life if he didn’t want to move. I prioritise at least this one goal of mine.
better now than later!
It’s not selfish, this is the rest of your life we’re talking about here. Or if it is selfish, it’s justifiable selfishness. If you don’t think you can get him to reconsider his position I’d get out asap bc if you wait a couple more years it’s just gonna be exponentially more painful then
While reading your post, it reminded me of my ex. We both have different wants in our future. He has a white collar job and I am a student. He experienced living to two big cities and figured out that he wanted to stay remotely. I’m the opposite, I want to move out of our city and explore so I can figure out what I want. In other words, I don’t want to settle in one place yet, then regret my decisions later. We had other problems that added onto the break up and compromising didn’t work so it’s best that we parted ways. He was my first relationship so the breakup was hard as fuck, suffered depression out of it, and it was the darkest point of my life this year. My ex has been showing behaviours of clinginess that I didn’t realized at the time. I felt that my decisions to myself was very limited, no boundaries, and it’s restrictive to what my ex wanted to happen. While breakup was tough, I realized it was the best for me. I’m now enjoying myself as a single person. I can do things I wanted to do and things I missed out while I’m in a relationship. I’m few months away til I become nurse and I’m going to travel with my family in US (I’m from Canada) with high potential of me moving temporarily there for better opportunities. Relationship needs compromising, lots of patience, and understanding. If you don’t see that happening, you need to reevaluate and think of yourself first 🙂
You can do both. Its not like one or the other. Apply to college or a farm in Australia or whatever Gap year they have in your area. Tell him that you applied (communication is key) and if you get in, you’re moving. A lot of people have expectations of how things are going to be in their heads, but no one really knows until they did it. You might go and miss him and find out that you would rather stay in your hometown. He might be willing to move with you or this might just be the time you guys beak up . also being with only 1 guy while your 19 (you have FOMO) but you ain’t missing much. Also by saying this- I can see where your bf resentment comes from. How would you feel if he said the same thing? Its normal to have those feelings, but its impolite to express them to our S/O
You date someone who fits your life style, you don’t change your life to fit the person’s you’re dating. At the end of the day, you guys will probably always want different things. It’s incredibly hard to do the right thing sometimes, especially when the right thing involves hurting both of you. But future you will be forever grateful in your bravery for taking the next step just for you and no one else. You are still so young and you both are going to keep changing so much. This is the perfect time for you to transition into a new era in your life.
You are literally in the same position as my friend a few weeks ago. She ended up breaking up with her boyfriend of 2 years too due to her wanting to bigger things in life. I think you should follow your heart. If you guys are really soulmates, you will come back together. The world is big, go travel it girl !! And you should listen to ‘midnight rain’ by taylor swift it describes your situation PERFECTLY
I think you are resenting him for your self-imposed limitations. Is he upset if you go out drinking or is that just something you feel? Maybe talk about it with him.
Personally I would break up over this irreconcilable difference.
You’re still young. You will find someone to love, someone who never make you feel badly for anything. It’s more important what you want in your life. If he really love you, he will understand. If you break up now, you can remember that relationship like a beautiful memory.
I read through almost all the comments and none of them say what I thought would be said.
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First of all, I agree with the comment of saying “you love him more than anything, BUT” probably means you don’t love him ENOUGH. One day, that desire to have new experiences and live a different a life than what this relationship has room for may be greater than the love you have for this person. If that’s the case, the decision and the action will be SO HARD, but it all heals in time and you will be happier on the other side.
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Second, I have felt feelings when dating someone that loves me so much and that has so many great qualities that ‘I will never find someone that loves me this much with these great qualities. He’s great. He treats me so well.’. But the truth is, you don’t know until you try, and you probably will find someone that holds a lot of those positive qualities but also introduces you to new ones that you love that you never knew about that you were previously missing in this relationship.
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BS to the comments that say ‘you will cheat on him when you get a chance’ or you ‘just want to have fun and be a street girl’. Dating isn’t the most fun thing but it’s also pretty fun sometimes. And helps you grow. And see what you want. But MOST IMPORTANTLY, you’re single and can grow a lot during that time.
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You also probably live somewhere (since you used province) where the drinking age is different than the USA or other countries that may be primarily reading this. So BS to whoever judged you for that.
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Lastly, it’s not selfish what you said in the 3rd paragraph. You probably feel ungrateful and guilty, but it’s so natural to want to explore the world and other humans and other communities. I don’t love the fact that he guilts you for wanting to go out without him, that will build resentment + guilt + a crazy array of emotions overtime, but it sounds like he’s old fashioned since you live in a small town from the sounds of it. However, ‘old fashioned’ is a nice term for this. We are in 2022.
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You have SO many years left with this person if you never leave this person. If it feels right then stay. If it doesn’t or if it eventually doesn’t feel right, then you gotta make the heartbreaking move and live your life. My biggest fear was to get to my marriage/kids age and look back with regrets of the adventures I could’ve had and I genuinely believe that at this point in my life I do not. If you’re the person that feels a drive to travel and learn and explore, you need to follow that.
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P.S. I have had lovely relationships and one night stands aren’t my ‘thing’. So I’m not speaking from a ‘street girl’ standpoint that whoever decided to categorize an independent woman as. LOL.
Girl, at your age, break up. The world is your oyster. I’m sorry, but there’s amazing guys everywhere (contrary to what ppl say) especially if you travel and you’re sociable! Don’t ever, ever, ever change your plans/dreams for a guy. Unless you’re mad in love crazy for him and you think he’s the one, but ”the one” would let you go out with your girls (just saying). I always say it’s better to be alone than in bad company. Not saying he’s bad company bc he seems nice to you, but if you guys don’t have the same vision for your futures…what’s even the point of staying together?
Good luck with everything though, I know it sucks. xoxo
Hello OP ! 33F . I travelled and dated a lot and now I am in a stable 5 years relationship. You are very young and have a lot of experiences to make ! You don’t have to worry about dating new people, all you have to care about is your own aspirations in life. I understand both your boyfriend and you in this situation. Neither of you should give up their dream for the other. You can try a long distance relationship with your current boyfriend as you travel for a year and see if that is what you want. Then if it doesn’t work out, let it go. It is your first relationship and you are at different steps in your life, it would be normal that you split. But, and especially as a woman, you should never set your own life goals after a man or by fear of not being in a relationship. A partner walks by your side, but should never décide where you go. So do what you really dream of, and you will eventually find some one to share it with you, that someone being your current boyfriend or not.
OK so before I give any advice I would like to get a more accurate idea of your relationship, how old is your bf??
Sometimes the grass seems greener on the other side. You might regret your decision to lose him or you might find someone better who is better suited to what you want. All I know is if you want to live in a coastal town and travel then start working on at least a bachelor ina well paying field or a masters. I live in Los Angeles and I make $100k a year and that affords me minimal travel and a decent life because coastal is EXPENSIVE. Just because you live in a town doesn’t mean you can’t travel. If he oppressing you somehow then leave him and you can both move on.
What i wanted when i was 20……..
Is like a 180 from what i want now. You are only 19. 19-28 is the space where you explore, take risks, and discover your meaning in life. The women i wanted and the life i wanted is not what i want today at 30. Take that and do with it what you will. Dating can really suck but sometimes breaking up and doing you is necessary. You’re 19. Explore, Experience, and Love. In that order. Good luck.
“I don’t know what it’s like being single as an adult” ma’am you’re 19, you’re barely an adult. You make it sound as if you’ve been together for the last 25 years.
If you feel like this boy will not make you happy, then leave. You both deserve someone that will fully commit to the other.
Imho you’re absolutely not missing out on drinking partying and dating at all. I don’t know anyone who does that who actually likes it. But you do you. Just don’t go crawling back to him when it doesn’t live up to how you glorified it in your head. That’s not fair.