I (f28) am in a tough situation. My ex bf (m33) and I were in a relationship for 5 years. broke up three months ago due to poor communication on both our parts and no commitment on his. After me and ex broke up, I started seeing a different man (m30).
Man A and I had terrific sexual chemistry in the beginning but it kind of faded after the first couple years (like most relationships) although we still had immense love and like and respect for each other and always enjoyed each other’s company immensely. but years and years of poor communication and the relationship not going anywhere didn’t help anything.
Man B and I were together a short time but it was quite honestly the most wonderful and fun time. And the absolute best sex I have ever had. There are a lot of red flags with man B (because of course there are). But he took his time, he was gentle and rough and sexy as hell. He’s protective and goofy, determined, and secretly sensitive. and he’s like a renaissance painting he’s so g**damn beautiful. plus he’s honestly the **biggest** I’ve ever been with in my life.
I’m not with either of them anymore…but have recently started talking to A again (there is significant history and trust and familiarity obviously) and just the other night he started to kiss me and wanted to go further but all I could think of was B. I wanted to say B’s name. I was picturing B the whole time. I couldn’t go through with the whole *deed* because I was doing my best to be honest with A about my feelings.
My wise mind knows that I don’t really want to have a relationship with B and that it would never work out. And I know that A and I could have an amazing and happy life together. how do I stop thinking of B?
something important to add: I have NEVER NEVER NEVER ever in my life loved sex until B. being with him was like an awakening honestly. I cannot express how much being with him has changed me. I NEVER thought sex was that important. And in all other relationships, my lack of sex drive was ALWAYS a serious problem. and for YEARS I was seriously thinking I that I was asexual….until I started seeing B.
I don’t really know if I’m *in love* with B. but I absolutely KNOW I love A. but I just don’t feel *in love* or romantically and sexually attracted to A anymore. I want to be though. I want to be really badly. how should I handle this? Can you get those feelings back once they’re gone?
TLDR: man A: all substance little sex, man B: all sex, little substance
5 comments
>man A: all substance little sex, man B: all sex, little substance
Figure out which one is more important. Might get better perspectives at r/relationships
Honestly neither sound like a good fit, maybe work on yourself and see what catches your eye later on down the road.
At the moment you seem stuck in the “do I go with A or with B?” question, but you are conveniently forgetting that there is a third option, and in this case, it is by FAR the healthiest option:
YOU CHOOSE NEITHER. Here is why: as your summary says, man A was all substance but little sex, and man B was all sex but little substance.
A relationship where substance is a 10 but sex is a 1 is only a relationship score of 10.
A relationship where substance is a 1 but sex is a 10 is STILL only a relationship score of 10.
What is good though, is that from each of them, you have learned what you want from a truly healthy relationship – you want a healthy balance of both substance AND attraction (who doesn’t?)
If you can find a man who you ARE reasonably attracted to who you can WORK with to improve sex (a bit of communication might make a sexual relationship that starts off lacklustre but promising improve and become mind-blowing), who you also can enjoy your time with, you will be MUCH healthier. As said above:
Substance 10 x Sex 1 = Relationship 10
Substance 1 x Sex 10 = Relationship 10
Substance 6 x Sex 6 = Relationship 36. That sounds MUCH healthier.
You now know what kind of personality substance is important to you, and you know that you do enjoy sex in the right ways. Now you can go forward with NEITHER of the men above but the knowledge of what you have learned about yourself and meet other men who can satisfy BOTH of your needs – and it might take a bit of communication, so it might not IMMEDIATELY be at the level you want, but that is where communication is so important.
It looks to me you have discovered something about yourself with B and it would be worthwhile to explore it. My hunch is B is a good lover, but really if you can figure out what works for you sexually, you will be able to find a lot of good lover in the future.
Looks like you have nostalgia for A or are feeling alone and he is an easy back-up plan but if you are not attracted to him, it would be treason to both of you.
Lmao I’d fucking kill myself if I was Man A and ever found out about this. Just let him move on with his life and find someone he’s compatible with
You should move on from both. You have tasted the good life of sex with B, it’s usually the skill not the size that makes sex mind blowing but the size builds immense confidence and the benefits of size really depend on your body and desires.
Sex will always be lacking with A now. You have had a sexual awakening, you can’t go back, now you know what you are missing
I would go for a fresh start. You might have a hard time finding a partner that is up to snuff but I think it’s worth your time to look, now that you know what you want.
More than thinking about deal breakers you should think about how to guide your partners to fuck more like B without outright saying “B used to fuck me like this and it was awesome”. I had a past partner who used to complain regularly about not being able to find good dick. I think the key is learning how to guide a man to fulfill your desires in bed.
Good luck, you are now forced to answer the “Does the man I am with need to be the best I’ve ever been with in bed question”
I think the answer for many people is no… choose wisely.