Beginning a new relationship can be filled with small pitfalls, with new and unusual lessons; this is not something that comes as a surprise to me. However, when I met my partner (now Fiancee), I didn’t expect that everyone in her life would view me as some form of social predator.
My partner lives in London, and I was living in DC when we met. We quickly formed a bond, and further developed into a deep romance. I love it, and I love her. After some time, she asked me to move to London to be with her. This wasn’t something I had to take much time to think about, and before she could finish asking, I had already said yes. In turn, I quit my career (something I’d worked 20 years to build in the engineering and space industry), folded my company, sold all of my belongings/properties and moved to London. This is where I thought things would get ‘better’. Unfortunately, I hadn’t quite considered that her friends and family might be an obstacle.
My partner’s previous relationship ended rather badly and publicly, with her previous partner literally running off with a celebrity. I’ve never had to handle a situation like that and I’m filled with compassion and empathy for her situation. But this is where the issue arises. Her family and friends are constantly comparing me to her ex; who it seems was of an abusive and parasitic nature.
I have my own everything. I don’t need or want anything from her in terms of material wealth or purpose in life. I’m happy with the person I am. If I can’t be value added in a situation, it’s usually not a situation I find myself in. The point is, I’m nothing at all like her ex, and have no designs on seeking anything from her other than love and time for which I’d hope we would live a beautiful life together.
The more people I meet in her life, the more I get slapped around the proverbial face with comments of the ex and my being or not being anything like her. It’s deeply hurtful and rather frustrating. In the beginning, I was patient and understanding, but now (after some time) it’s quite simply, mean. I’m the butt of jokes, humiliated and compared to someone who only seemed to take from others – all while literally giving up everything to be with the person I love, and asking for nothing in return.
Is there a way that I can deal with this that’s not both harmful to our relationship and/or exclusionary regarding any future relationship with her friends and family?
There’s part of me that wants to tell them to shut the fuck up and knock it off. But there’s the rest of me that exists in the real world and realizes I need to maintain a mature and friendly relationship with people she cares about.
23 comments
How does she respond to these things?
When anyone compares you to the ex, make a joke of it.
“I know – the ex sure makes me look good by comparison! Actually I paid them for this service.”
“Oh it’s compare-me-to-the-ex time… well ok, have a go.”
etc.
Is this banter that they are doing or is it meanness?
How old are you both, M or F?
I think the decision really lies with who you are and how much emotional energy you want to expend. You can respond with jokes every now and then, for the people you see frequently you can ask them to just drop it, you can make it awkward as hell. But do what will cost you the least, these kinds of comments shouldn’t/won’t change who you are to your person and your relationship is the only thing you’ve got to consider big picture
I would ask your fiancé to handle this. She should be speaking to her friends and family and letting them know it’s not acceptable. It must be painful for her also to keep having a relationship that ended horribly thrown in her face. I think I’d ask the friends why they think it’s appropriate and how they’d feel if every time you saw them you mentioned their partner’s ex. Ask them to stop doing it and then if they do it again both you and your partner should leave. I’d repeat until they get the message. The key thing is you need to be a united front of this.
It is her job to tell them to stop.
>There’s part of me that wants to tell them to shut the fuck up and knock it off. But there’s the rest of me that exists in the real world and realizes I need to maintain a mature and friendly relationship with people she cares about.
Give them what they give you OP.
and has your partner spoken up about this?
You left EVERYTHING to be with her and start new in a new place, that sounds like a HELL OF A LOT MORE THAN HER EX…. is she rich or something? Who are these people to judge you? What gives them the right to do so?
I’m surprised your dealing with this yourself. Your love is not defending you in any way ? You shouldn’t be dealing with the comments at all. After what you have been willing to give up for her, if she cherishes your sacrifice and commitment, she should be the one to make it clear you are not like her ex and she isn’t stupid enough to get involved with someone who is even close. Talk to her.
Your SO needs to shut this down. When I broke up with my abusive ex and then got into a new relationship, my family/friends would also say stuff at first. I dated my ex for a long time so he was a part of their lives too.
I would step in and say things like “there is no comparison because he can’t even compare”
” he’s way above that and in another category, in fact I think he broke the mold”
“whenever you compare it’s just obvious how vastly amazing he is compared to anyone else”
“why do you keep talking about my ex? If you miss him by all means go reach out just leave me out of it”
“guys obviously it’s established that he’s a lot better, are you slow?”
It sucks man. Even you are happy, people around makes us feel sad. It’s the way it is. If you are truly happy with her and vice verse. Than don’t even bothers to what others thinks. People talks no matters what. Build some sense of humor to slap them. It’s tools, it helped me in certain level.
Good luck, man
For sure she picked you because you deserve to be with her.
How old are you guys and how long had you been dating when you sold your company for her?
I want to see that part of you, that will tell them to shut the fuck up. LOL 😄
Because I’ve been through so much at a young age. I quickly realized, I didn’t like when people try to belittle me, talk down to me, take advantage of me or even try to bully me. I put a stop✋️to that immediately. Never had any problems again once I found my voice and stood up for myself. You have to do the same.
My mother words always come to mind. No One Can Do Anything To You Unless You Allow It. (miss you mom)
Look, it sounds like you’re being teased. “Banter” is normally endearing. But if people are doing something to upset you and Fiancée then she should mention it.
But also, if they are at all “scared” is can come off as mean. Remember, they went thru HER breakup and betrayed too.
My advice ,learn to take it. They’ll either drop or you’ll learn to be part of the joke. You’ve seem like no/few complaints with the actual person you’re there for!
Congrats and I hope you have a really great wedding!
Basically just say “oh piss off, will you?” then hold eye contact until they look away
Alternatively: “are you usually this much of a cunt?” Then instantly say it was “banter, am I doing banter properly?”
With a bit of luck it’ll become gossip / anecdote fodder for a decade or two.
Why exactly did you give up ***everything*** for a relationship where it seems you two didn’t spend much time in person?
Her friends, her family, her responsibility to shut it down.
Tell her what you have told us.
I was once in a relationship like this, I left and I think its your partner who need to tell them to stop this. I am glad it is over and I would never accept this ever again.
It’s your SO’s work to shut them down, why is she staying quiet?
Stare at them with a dead fish face (no smile, frown) for at least 30 seconds – longer is better.
Then say “I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Why would you say that?”
And if they say it’s a joke/banter/etc/
Say “I don’t get it. Please explain to me how that is funny”
EVERY TIME they bring it up.
Alternatively
Stare at them with a dead fish face (no smile, frown) for at least 30 seconds – longer is better.
Then go “Oh! You are trying to be funny. Well bless your heart. Keep practicing, you will say something funny eventually.”
or just “Oh! You are trying to be funny. Well bless your heart.”
I think you can be mature and friendly while also shutting down this line of inquiry. I’d also sit your gf down and ask her if she isn’t tired of hearing everyone talk about her ex all time. Like can we move on already? Share with her how their comments are impacting you and how she expects you to navigate positive relationships with her closest people when they’re being so rude and unwelcoming.
Honestly it’s a bit concerning you gf isn’t shutting them down herself already. In her shoes I’d be mortified if my people were giving such an awful welcome to my partner. I’d have the back of any partner but I’d be extra protective of and aware of making sure they were settling in well knowing they’d given up so much to come be a part of my world.
If this relationship is all that and a bag of potato chips like you’re saying, then you gals will be able to navigate through this as a team. Present a united front with her dickhead friends. Hey maybe with time you can help her elevate to a better crowd of folks.
I’m using this as an opportunity to make a list of things to say on the spot when I’m shocked by someone’s audacity. Because I understand, I would be kinda frozen if someone started comparing me or making fun of me out of no where. And yes, your gf should set boundaries, but also you have a right to set boundaries for yourself as well. You don’t have to pretend to like it’s okay to make them more comfortable abusing you. I don’t think you should curse them out, but you shouldn’t laugh at any of their comments or encourage it either. Your best option is probably one of these retorts in a group setting and an earnest 1:1 or 2:1 conversation with the worst offender.
So some potential conversation shifters:
1 – “I don’t know if it was intentional, but your last statement made me uncomfortable”
2 – “can you explain to me why you think that’s funny?”
3- “would you like to talk about what your worst ex was like?”
4 – “yeah, I don’t know how to react to that. How would you like me to?”
5 – “how many years?” (Their reaction may be confused) “no, how many years until you stop comparing me to my gf’s ex?”
6 – “I don’t think it’s fair to constantly bring up my gf’s ex when you know it was a difficult situation. The comparisons of me to get makes me uncomfortable”
This is something she has to deal with. If people insult you, then she either has to confront them or never see them again. This is HER problem to sort out, not yours. These are HER friends and family.
It sounds like she has a thing for toxic people, not just the ex. All of those people are toxic AF.
What is SHE doing about this? This is 100% HER problem to sort out. You shouldn’t have sold everything and left, by the way. I think that was a very bad decision. You could have taken time off, unpaid leave, whatever, and seen how you adapted to the UK.
I think society..
On a global scale is doing something scary do I feel like I’m the minority all the time.
I know people comparing you to the last person they dated is crazy…people talk about their past but comparing…lame