Sorry for the long post, but here it goes.
Last Friday my(36f) husband (37m) and I had an impromptu dinner with my parents. He was running late from work and decided to meet us at the restaurant…no big deal right.
As we were leaving the restaurant he gave me a peck on the cheek then got in his car and took off, leaving me to walk to my car down a dark alley by myself. He didn’t walk me to my car, make sure I got in safe, follow me home since I had had a drink…nothing. When I got home, I calmly explained to him that that behavior wasn’t ok with me. Well, he picked a fight with me, and accused me of trying to put on a show in front of my parents. When I explained to him, that wasn’t it, I just expect a certain level of human decency from my spouse; he doubled down with his stupidity and said he did that because I’ve yelled at him in public before? When I asked when, he couldn’t come up with a single instance and said he wasn’t going to go “tit for tat” with me.
He then continued the fight by telling me I was selfish for not waiting to drive to the restaurant with him and because I occasionally don’t pick up his calls so I can talk on the phone with my friends instead. He thinks the latter his unacceptable because he could be calling for an emergency, and it might be the last time I talk to him, which is his go to reason, and quite dramatic in my opinion.( he apparently also can’t grasp the concept I have a life outside of him and the relationship).
We of course have communication issues because he is unwilling to consider anyone else’s perspectives and doesn’t take ownership of his actions ( he’ll say sorry you feel that way instead of sorry my actions have made you feel that way). But I’m just sitting here wondering when I became such an afterthought to the person who vowed to love me for the rest of our life’s?
Y’all please give me some advice on how to constructively discuss this with him or how to move past it. He’s stated he’d go to counseling but not until at least June of next year, and I don’t think I can wait that long.
13 comments
lol, wtf happens in June of next year?
he doesn’t sound like he’s being fair about any of this– that’s some really childish behaviour. some people never learned that it’s okay to be wrong about a thing, or to have handled a thing poorly. part of growing up is realising 1 that you could have done better and 2 that doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you a person who could do better.
He just doesn’t want to be in the wrong officially. He knows he messed up, knows he is wrong, but doesn’t want to acknowledge this simple fact and apologize. He needs to be an actual adult that can accept, apologize for, and learn from mistakes.
He is being very unreasonable. There is no reason to wait that long to go to counseling.
Sounds like he has issies expressimg his feelings when you do something he dont like he may not tell you on that moment but he will later on
You married a narcissist. He won’t change. He projects everything back on you. If you go to therapy together, I doubt he will make the effort, but who knows. Get yourself some individual therapy as to why you picked this kind of person
Walking to your car is not dangerous, if you wanted his help then why didn’t you just ask him.
Break up. I’ll be damned if anyone ever yells at me in public for anything and on top of it to have your nose so high in the air with your attitude. You didn’t even attempt to understand in the slightest why the problem exists outside of your blaming of him. Can’t help but be disgusted by the persona you painted of yourself in my mind with your words here- get better. Don’t confuse this poor guy into thinking you’re at all worth the trouble
Definitely a narcissist. “I’m sorry you feel that way” is such a narcissist saying. They are unable to take responsibility for their actions. So in a situation where one would be expected to apologize they use it as a roundabout way to say I didn’t do anything wrong. 🚩when someone shows you who they are believe them.
It’s always difficult to give relationship advice on here, bc we’re only hearing one side to the story, and one persons perspective. Very little relationship problems are solely one sided, unless a person is an abusive individual
It sounds like your husband has a real chip on his shoulder, but why? He may be giving you surface level reasons, but he/you need to get to the root of it. It sounds like he may feel neglected from you (mentioning not driving together, you not answering his phone calls), you’re blowing it off as him being needy, but perhaps he does feel disconnected. What does he mean, ‘you tried to put on a show for your parents’, obviously something upset him at dinner, that caused him to be short with you when leaving
Really step back and take the time to reflect on how you’re acting, what you say to him / how you say it & how you treat him in moments. Im not saying you’re the one in the wrong, but perhaps something as small as your tone, can eliminate a lot of the bickering. Also learn to pick and chose your battles (you should have really let the walking to your car go), everything is not worth having an argument over. You should also learn each others love languages
If he has an issue with you, he needs to take it up with you at the moment, not hold onto it to unload onto you when you try to communicate your issues. He’s really terrible at taking accountability, which is really immature.
Nothing he said excuses him for having no consideration for your safety. What if you got kidnapped? I guess that’s ok because you’ve yelled at him in public?
Isn’t it ironic… Don’t you think?
They have communication issues. No shade. A lot of couples do. However, typically the communication issues are a shared problem to be approached together from open and vulnerable space of love and trust that you both want to solve together. However, in this case, it appears that the communication issues are entirely exclusively the fault of her partner.
They have communication issues because “he is unwilling to consider anyone else’s perspectives.” For sure. Perspective matters. So…. Did I miss the part where OP acknowledged her human partner’s perspective?
They have communication issues “because he’s unwilling to take ownership of his actions.” in this situation however, I am really struggling to figure out what actions he took that he will now have to take ownership for. How about you? Some ideas for actions OP might consider “owning,” or at least considering as a way to imagine this strange series of events from his perspective rather than tunnel-visioning her own.
1. Was it an option for you to actually ride over with your husband and his own car that he could walk you to at the end of the night and you guys could get into together?
2. Was the only parking option down a dark alley?
3. If so, What were your plans to get to your car if you were concerned about where that car was?
4. If you assumed that your husband was going to walk you to your car might you have asked him that?
5. You say you’re concerned about getting in the car and driving because you had a drink or so. Did you not plan to drive your car home when you took that first drink?
Communication issues so hard to solve, especially when both partners are unwilling to consider things from their partners perspective and take ownership for there own actions.
Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you
At first glance I though I would be siding with you, BUT then I read what you wrote.
Editing my edit to copy this up here:
Edit: **Newsflash – your attitude causes his behaviour.**
Right, while he comes across as bearing a grudge, it takes two to tango. I think you should get divorced and let him find the right women for him, you’ll be fine with your **friends and life outside of him** and he will find a better fit for him!
1. When I hear “I have a life outside of him and the relationship ” – I hear: “**My life is most important, and my friends are more important to me than he is**”… and HE is correct when added to his saying that **when he calls you don’t answer because you’re already talking to your friends**.
2. You say he’s being **dramatic** when he says it might be an emergency… sure… until you say **he’s training to be a cop**. That might well mean he’s facing an emergency and wants to speak to you but sure, your friends are more important…
3. He’s running late **from work**, not being with friends, but from work, but YOU can’t wait for him – oh no, that’s correct, you have a life outside of him. So off you go. He can follow behind like a lost puppy. It was also an impromptu dinner – next time make better plans. Also, that phone you chat to those important friends on – that can also phone parents to say you are running late to some impromptu dinner!
4. Should he have walked you to your car? Sure… but DID YOU ASK HIM? No? Was that because you were still farewelling your parents? He was cross with you, and disengaged by walking away.
5. If you **knew** you were driving – **why did you drink?** That’s on you, not him.
No. I think your relationship is over. Just divorce him and I am sure he will find the right woman for him.
Oh edit: **Newsflash – your attitude causes his behaviour.**
P.s. your view of your husband is not flattering. It is clear you are contemptuous of him. Just leave him. He will definitely be happier with someone else. This is evident in words like: his stupidity… so dramatic… of course we have problems – it’s all his fault… woman you need to take a long hard look at yourself first!!!
He had this planned to piss you off. What a nightmare to be gaslit and arguing after a nice dinner.