Me (21m) and my gf (25f) have been together for about two years now. In the beginning of our relationship I made the mistake of asking how many guys she has been with to which she answered 3, myself, another LTR she had a few years ago and a guy right before me. The LTR doesn’t bother me at all, its the fuck buddy she had right before me that I just can’t get over. We met online in January 2021 and talked for almost two months before having our first date in March, In January it was like talking to anyone else online no big deal but in February she wanted to talk on the phone and so we did. We would call and talk every morning before work and often at night as well. This went on for most of the month of February where we would sneak out from into our cars to talk on the phone, sometimes for hours. We were very flirty, she called me babe honey etc… this is all before we had our first date. I had asked her out in the beginning and she brushed it off and I just ignored it, when I asked her again in February she said she wanted to but had a full schedule for the next two weekend and was going out with her girlfriends, but she might be able to move some stuff around and meet me this weekend. I didn’t want to seem too anxious so I said dont worry ab it well just go in two weeks. We met, it took off and we went on more dates made it official etc… She had been in a relationship the prior year which ended in December, ab a month before we met online. Never had sex with that guy apparently, which is whatever they were dating, but in that month between she met a guy on facebook and they had sex multiple times. They were not dating, she makes it sound like she was interested at first and he wanted to date her but she lost interest and ended it before we started talking. A few months into us dating I got it out of her that it did not end before we were talking and it was going on the entire time we were talking. That means all those mornings we would sneak out to our cars to talk, she would fuck him that night. There was a good chance she called me on the way home after fucking him to talk to me. I know now that she didn’t plan on going out with her gfs that weekend two weeks before our first date, she went out with him and fucked him that night, it was valentines day 2021. That morning she sent me a happy Valentines day snap, then fucked him that night which she claims was the last time and she ended it two days later. I hate casual sex, and her being one of the most fervent Christians I have ever met and partaking in it really bothers me. But what I will never get over is the memories of our budding relationship and how all those moments I once cherished when we started talking are now forever a source of incredible emotional pain for me because I know how two-faced she was and how she would fuck him throughout all of our talking phase. She lied about it, I got it out of her. Besides this our relationship is great, she is amazing. But no matter how good it gets or how much time passes I can never get over this and it always comes into my head and haunts me.
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Were both Christians but this girl is another level, she believes the Earth is only 8000 years old and that evolution is ridiculous and that the bible is the absolute final say ab everything. Regardless of your thoughts on religion, one does have to ponder the striking moral inconsistency. She says she regrets it so much and that she was lost and not on her “walk with god” or whatever. Ill just never forget what she was capable of.
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Any advice is appreciated. Is it worth continuing? Will I ever get over it? Or if I stay with her will this haunt me for the rest of my life?
12 comments
That’s why you don’t ask question you don’t want answer to…
Yes it’s worth continuing because these thoughts and feelings will fade with time. This doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. The lie is what makes this a problem beyond just the behavior. It’s a blow to your trust, while the fucking during your courtship is a blow to your ego too, a massive one. It hurt to read about how she lived the double life when you thought it was special, just damn. If you forgive this though, I suspect she’s yours forever. Watch out for more lies though, she can’t expect you to trust 100% yet, though this doesnt mean you should become suspicious or controlling, just don’t be naive if its obvious. If lies continue especially about being with future guys while you’re together, it’s over. Hope this helps.
So… exactly what is the issue?
Is she supposed to be territory thats claimed before you even dated?
My partner had two ONSs when we were in talking phase. Ok. So? I don’t have any right to be upset someone I wasn’t in a committed relationship with had a sex life.
What’s the issue?
> Ill just never forget what she was capable of.
Of having normal human interactions?
> I hate casual sex, and her being one of the most fervent Christians I have ever met and partaking in it really bothers me.
And this is why people can’t stand those that are so religiously hypocritical. The entire point of your faith is supposed to be about people that have gone down one path and then makes the change to follow the religion’s path. Have you actually read the Bible? If so then you’re doing exactly the opposite of what your religion says.
She knew you were a hypocrite. She knew you didn’t actually follow anything your religion actually says to do and how to treat people.
She’s not yours until you guys become exclusive.
Your call man. If the pain of being without her is greater than the pain of reconciling her trysts with your courtship, then stay. If not, don’t. Either way don’t let her or anyone else guilt trip you, you’re not wrong for feeling your feelings and fuck anyone who tries to tell you that you are
Personally I’d pass for multiple reasons.
One, I’m loyal in the talking stage and I expect this from whoever I’m seeing (yes I make it known).
Two, I don’t date people that have casual sex. Sorry, not sorry. Just incompatible values. No shame to those who partake in it though.
Three, I don’t date ultra religious types, because im not a religious person in general.
Now, others In here will tell you that you have no right to feel upset that she was fucking other guys while calling you baby and shit (they’re already doing it in the comments) but most *normal* people would feel the same outside of the Reddit hive mind.
You’re feelings are valid, I wouldn’t continue the relationship. These feelings won’t go away, they’ll continue to fester, so there’s no sense in wasting anyones time. Just tell her you have different values and shit and move on. Don’t shame her, cause that ain’t cool. But be firm that the relationship is over.
That fact that people are telling you that you shouldnt be upset is wild. Here is a question for you. If you knew she was fucking someone else when you started talking with her, would you have continued to pursue her?
Just dump her bro, relationships aren’t legal contracts where you must specify exclusivity or whatever. You choose not to fuck other people while you’re pursuing something serious out of respect for that person and good judgment, not because you’re not legally obliged to be exclusive. Your gf has shit judgment, it’s okay not to date someone like that
If your girlfriend believes the earth is 8,000 years old I have a voicemail from Jesus Christ I’d let her hear for 1000 dollars
Everyone has preferences and values.
Some people want to date people of the same religion, or the same race, or the same culture. Some people want a particular height or size. A lot of people want a partner with the same values. If you value a sex as something only done with romantic relationships then there is nothing wrong with that (unless you are a hypocrite and do casual sex). Everyone telling you that you are wrong is just imposing their values onto you which is terrible.
Just want you to know that it ultimately depends on whether you are okay with this or not and there is not a right or wrong answer to what you value.
Unfortunately, some people like to date multiple people at the same time. You two haven’t even met, so you were not exclusive. At the end, of all the people she was seeing, you stayed.
At that time, she probably didn’t know that you two will become a long term item. She was dating around, you could have as well but you didn’t. If you didn’t ask her at that time if she was seeing anyone, why would she say to you that she was and lose you? You probably didn’t ask back then, you assumed you were the only one, and she told you when you asked her.
It’s up to you what you want to do, but you were not exclusive back then.
If this will haunt you, leave.
There are many women available without baggage (and you are very young). Don’t settle or waste your time with baggage.