Ok, this is a long one so bear with me… My partner (27M) and I (30F) have been together for nearly 8 years now. In 2021 we had a baby together which was unplanned, but we embraced the journey together since we loved each other and had already been together so long. Our baby is now 18 months old and we both absolutely adore her beyond words. Although my partner is a loving and devoted dad to our child, he has been a difficult partner to have in several other departments, especially after the baby was born. Due to several factors he struggles a lot with various mental health issues (depression, anxiety, anger). He usually copes by smoking cannabis. When he doesn’t have access to cannabis he turns to alcohol which has resulted in some pretty major incidents of drunken rage. Our state became legal for cannabis last year so he has been largely able to steer clear of alcohol this year, but at the same time his choice to use it as a crutch instead of seeking real help for his mental health has had a detremental effect to our relationship. He goes through ups and downs constantly with his mood and it leads to him not taking care of himself and severely neglecting his household duties. He at least makes an effort when taking care of our baby but even then he gets easily overwhelmed if she is being fussy or needy on any given day (as is normal for any baby). When he is really struggling and doesn’t have access to weed or beer he will hide in bed all day either sleeping or obsessing over certain anxieties. When he’s like this anything can set off his anger so I have to walk on egg shells. On top of this he has refused to get a job over the past year and a half promising he is going to start his own business. Unfortunately his ideas never pan out or are to far fetched to even start. The biggest issue is that as much as I am trying to make this work, his mental health struggles totally prevent him from moving forward or making any improvements to our situation. I am constantly the one to manage the household, work to support us, and generally get things done and I am completely burnt out. I am currently sick for the second time in a month and have still been the primary person to look after our baby all day, plan out meals, tidy up etc.
I know I’m really the one who messed up here by not seeing the huge red flags before deciding to raise a baby together. These issues have been there all along but I was too blinded by love and insecure about being able to find another person to love that I made excuses for him. I had silly romantic (unrealistic) ideas that maybe having a child would help him mature into the adult partner I need. That isn’t to say he hasn’t matured or grown at all in the past year and a half but there are still so many ways in which he didn’t.
Before I finish this post I do want to give him a fair chance as of course talking only about the negatives in our relationship is going to make him sound like a total AH or at least paint him in a very negative light, or at the very least make me look like a total idiot for hanging on this long. Outside of my partners major issues, we are really good together. We are great friends and get along extremely well when things are good. Our personalities mesh together really well which is how we feel in love and have lasted this long. His contribution to our household is not as much as it should be but it’s not nothing, and he is capable of stepping up and being a good support system at times (assuming he is in a good place mentally). Our baby absolutely adores him, he is primary caregiver when I’m working. At times he really steps up and is an excellent father. The biggest issue is that it’s not consistent. We could have an amazing day together as a family and the next day he’s falling apart and I’m totally stressed that I’m having to deal with his breakdown amongst everything else. At times I feel fed up and want to get in my car drive to my parents and just put a sudden end to our relationship. What keeps me hanging on is our baby. I absolutely hate the idea of our little family breaking apart and what impact that will have on our child. We had a falling out earlier this year where he promised to seek mental health, but nothing has been done to seek it out. I have a hard time discussing anything about our relationship and my feeling without him spiraling, getting angry, or playing the blame game. I feel like I am at an impasse and don’t know what to do next.
TL;DR: My partner of 8 years struggles with mental health issues which negatively affect his ability to be a good relaible partner and a good dad. He has not tried to get help and I am extremely stressed managing so many things on my own and walking on eggshells around him.
4 comments
I stopped reading where you said he doesn’t do anything about his MH. If he is self diagnosing, self medicating, and self caring, he gets an ultimatum from you. If he doesn’t get professional help with actionable change bounce.
You can’t have drunken rage around a baby. Go to your parents for a weekend with the baby and start talking about what to do.
Does he have a therapist you could talk to. At this stage it seems that you are caring for 2children, 1 of which you are on egg shells around. Your baby deserves better. She needs a mother who is healthy and happy. I wish you luck in your future and whatever turns it takes.
He’s using his fake MH as an excuse. His parents didn’t raise him properly. Kick him out