My gf has been the most loyal wonderful person I met, but the last day when we got drunk she told me some things that I’m not sure how to view her afterwards.
She told me a lot of things she did when she was 16, including almost stealing her best friends boyfriend, selling n00ds, lying etc. A lot of things. Of course she was 16 but I don’t understand how she can be so normal now when she used to a train wreck? Advice?
26 comments
I’m 25 now. I was a wildman in college. I’ve calmed down since then. People can change if they want to
It’s called growth and maturity Bro. Her past is her past and she was honest with you. That’s a good thing.
She trusted you to reveal this stuff and now you’re judging her. Maybe think about what being a good person really means.
16 year olds are fucking idiots. When I was 16 I got a bad grade on a paper so I anonymously emailed the teacher wishing them a ‘happy death day’. I’m in my mid 30s now and it haunts me to this day that I could be so awful. I was lucky not to be suspended as I admitted it was me.
Point of this story is if everyone judged my entire character by that then it would be hopeless. People are allowed to make mistakes. Some mistakes can be unforgivable and leave a huge shadow e.g. murder, rape, child abuse but even those people are rehabilitated into society if they are no longer a threat and served their time.
So stop being a judgemental ass for some dumb shit a teenager did and be kind to your girlfriend for the woman she is now.
She lived and learned and grew up
Mmm, Short answer: We all have a past sweetie, the only thing that matters is who she is now
If there’s a „right“ age to be somewhat of a train wreck, it’s probably 16. I was definitely the worst version of myself around that time.
I wouldn’t see it as a flaw that she went through a slightly messy phase but rather give her credit for having her stuff together now.
Ok teens are a mess of heightened hormones and emotions running through their system. They’ve volatile and erratic. Both girls and boys. People’s upbringing and environments shape them which can lead to mistakes but throughout their experiences they can change and learn from life’s lessons. We all didn’t come from the same place. You may not have lied or tried to steal a friends gf but if at 23, you haven’t learnt or changed as a person since you were 16 then you’re not progressing. People make mistakes. Some people learn from them. Some don’t. It appears you have someone who learned and changed herself. That’s an admirable quality.
Hopefully she is well past 16.
Lots of 16yo people do stupid things. Unless she’s still doing this kind of stuff today, I think you can and should leave it in the past. Don’t mention it, don’t tease her about it, don’t embarrass her about it, don’t guilt her about it, don’t make her feel ashamed. Just leave it behind.
Despite what this sub would normally say, humans, especially young humans, are usually redeemable. If you have a good relationship, and she has exercised good judgement with you, then go with that — you are fine. You would much rather be with someone that has made some mistakes, and realized the error of their ways, than the goody too-shoos who suddenly gets out of her parent’s house and is hell bent on making every mistake possible in the the shortest amount of time possible.
Meh, I was a hot mess at that age, and it got worse until about age 21. I would proceed with caution, but cut her some slack because of the age factor.
Yeah.. I never talk about my past for this exact reason. I was abused and as a result I was an alcoholic at 13, drinking, lying stealing etc. all the things you described. I’m 22 now, I’m in school, am a full time accountant, smoke weed and go to therapy now. The years, experience, and growth between 16 and 22 is monumental- you’re really going to judge this girl for who she was while going through a very emotionally turbulent time of growth? Despite apparently knowing and loving the person she is today? She trusted you enough to tell you about things that she’s probably ashamed of- maybe examine yourself to figure out why that’s causing insecurities for you.
At 16 I drove a car, in reverse, into a building after my friends hit a dog while randomly throwing bottle rockets out of the window. Maybe don’t judge someone on what they did in their past. If she’s great now the stuff you don’t like about her past are some of the things that made her the person you love now.
You don’t understand how someone might have grown up and changed in the 7 years since they were 16?…
Honestly the fact that you even hold that opinion at 23 tells me you might actually be right.
What’s good is relative. She is just telling you about her experiences. Her past experiences. And I think, you should be a bit more open minded to perceive her experiences to be there in the past, and not let it affect you personally. She is a new person, and we all have done crazy things. That is her for you. Don’t judge her. Widen up the way you’d perceive someone to be a bad person.
Advice would be to see her for who she is now. People change all the time, for better or for worse. Seems like she may have changed for better. Are you having doubts because you suspect her for doing the same things she told you while being drunk now or is it purely for what she did in the past? Apparently one of your core values has also been touched cause you opened with describing her as loyal and what you heard made you question if she is.
I get it that you may see her in a different light now I really do but I strongly believe that the best time to live in is now. And if she is great now…well enjoy your time together. And if she hasn’t changed…well people show their true colours some day. It is inevitable.
Your choice now to be suspicious or believe in that person you have connected with and think is wonderful (with a past that might not be).
Do you have a squeaky clean past, free of mistakes, immaturity and bad judgment? Is she doing those things currently?
Grow up, OP, and take off the judgy pants. Be curious instead about what context led her to those decisions at the time and find out how she has grown from them.
I’m sure if I dug up your past, I could find a lot of skeletons too. Enjoy who she is now and don’t take her for granted. You ain’t no saint either.
That’s a lot of things OP… wtf i can only think of one bad thing i did. Idk man. Maybe dump her
I think that the fact that she is self aware enough to admit it was wrong says a lot about her. It was a faze and she’s past it. If she regrets it and needs to talk about it then let her talk. Good luck.
Everyone, every single one of us (even you), are who we are today because of the things we did in the past. If you like who she is, what the eff do you care how she got that way?
People will either tell you these things as a way of bragging about them, or as a way of saying ‘ I feel deeply shameful about these things and I can’t tell anyone, but I trust you”
I’m not in a position to say which one of these things it is, but I have some stuff in my 18-25 era, where if anyone I knew met someone who was doing those things now, id tell them to gtfo.
Someone who used to be a train wreck, and recognised it and changed is wayyyy better than someone who has never done anything wrong. My parents minister or whatever, refused to marry couples who hadn’t had a massive fight at some point for similar reasons. I know people now that treated me appallingly when I was 16, and they are sweet people now, and I’ve seen them grow, make mistakes, cry and apologise and learn. Dating someone who is willing to grow and learn from their mistakes is actually a …whatever the opposite of a red flag is, blue or green i imagine. Or maybe Swedish.
people change, i was an absolute mess in my teenage years. between hormones, school, family stuff. etc. it was an incredibly chaotic time in my life. i won’t excuse what i said or did, but i’ve grown since then.
it’s been seven years since your girlfriend was 16. she’s grown and matured not only physically, but likely mentally and emotionally as well. sure, some people don’t change at all from the person they were in their teens, but plenty do. if you had said she was 21 during those acts, then sure i can see why you’d be skeptical. but she was a teenager and it’s been almost a decade. as long as she can see the flaws in her past actions and has taken the steps to change, she’s probably the person you know her as today and not who she was then.
Some people have to experience things to learn about them and see what is important. Who someone was, even yesterday, could be someone different today.
Maybe she is looking for you to see her as adventurous. Maybe she is looking for you to do these things too. Maybe she is looking for something
16 year old are fucking idiots she was young and dumb like most that age.
Its fine, we all mature and develop eventually.
If she was/is smart, she learned from her mistakes. Everyone does stupid things they are ashamed of. If she is a good person now, that is what matters. Take your time. If it’s a facade, it will surface eventually.