TLDR: I think I need to cut my mom out of my life and I don’t know how.
My mother has always been an alcoholic but yet she always seemed to function okay. Enough to get hammered and then wake up at 6 am to go teach special Ed high school students for years. While my brother and I were growing up she got a couple of DUIs, blows my mind how she hasn’t been in prison for those or how they’re not on her record.
I’m also convinced my mom was drinking early on when she had my brother, he’s older than me, because he has always been a little…off. Apparently he’s not autistic, and doesn’t have any learning disabilities other than “slow processing” and honestly he’s the most aloof person I’ve ever met…little to 0 situational awareness. Best way to describe it is…a little off…..
My aunt (her sister) called me last night. In summary her alcoholism is worse. She doesn’t care about her relationships with others, never has tbh. No wonder why she’s gone from guy to guy to guy. I’ve known about sex since I was like 5 because her room was next to mine growing up. Whenever I confronted her about it she said I didn’t know what sex was or even being drunk meant… (100% has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder in my opinion, that’s only exacerbated by her alcoholism).
Her boyfriend had considered kicking her out but feels guilty because he was the one who convinced her to move to FL. (She retired in FL like every other New Englander).
He’s even willing to pay for an apartment for her but he has no legal obligation to do so to keep her away.
So she could be homeless…but hey…at least she bought a nice BMW. $60K from the profit of my grandparent’s home that was sold split between her and my aunt….just gone. And she becomes envious of my aunt because my aunt can afford to own a house. “WELL GOOD FOR YOU, YOU’RE HAVING YOUR HOUSE PAINTED I HAVE NO MONEY”. This is why I say homeless because she could never afford to retire on her own. She has enough to pay for groceries as long as someone else can help pay for the housing which her boyfriend was willing to do. Poor guy, he’s so sweet and caring and doesn’t appreciate anything that he has ever done for her.
She’s never been responsible with money anyway and trust me I learned all of my lessons from my parents.
She’s a TRAIN wreck
She went to my aunt’s time share on the other side of the state and my cousin called her a tornado, meh same thing. But like my whole family sees it, nobody has said anything, and nobody wants to be around her. She’s not value added to anyone……
I’m of the idea no one wants to deal with her immature reaction.
The moment I do this, her boyfriend is going to have to deal with it….
No, she hasn’t done any of the above recently to me…but how she treats others is upsetting (I guess to include me for the entirety of my life).
It’s not easy for either party involved I guess
I don’t answer the phone after 5:00 because she’s usually drunk by 4 and that’s pretty much the only boundary I have other than avoidance and not seeing her. She sends MEAN drunk text messages, she’s passive aggressive and has this fear of abandonment by guilt tripping everyone around her. The emotional intelligence of a 16 year old for someone who’s 63. Doesn’t even think anything of what she sends the next morning. NOTHING of “Wow..I can’t believe I sent that” honestly I don’t think she’s ever apologized for anything she has ever done in her life.
It’s a tough call but I don’t know what it’s going to take.
She took like eight bottles of wine with her for a weekend and drank two and half in one night and her boyfriend is sober and doesn’t drink anymore!
The moment you show her the person in the mirror you’re the enemy.
I know her reaction is a reflection of her and not me…I could repeat that to myself over and over again and still be nervous about it.
Sure
Get a therapist involved
Have an intervention (don’t know how).
You know it’s going to be denial. It has been denial our (and her) whole lifetime!!
I don’t know how to go about this. When I was ten years old I said she would never be at my wedding or ever babysit my kids. I was so right :(.
I told my brother about this. Of course had no idea that my mom could be homeless. I have 0 interest in helping her at all. He basically said he didn’t notice but maybe that’s why she was helping him furnish his new guest bedroom in his new house. Basically, no help.
27 comments
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he could have had the fetal alcohol syndrome as a baby and Amy Winehouse just never brought him to a good doctor. If you would be mean, you could call the cops that she is driving drunk in the morning, she probably isn’t as sober as she thinks when she gets to work.
Your brother might have Foetal Alcohol Syndrome. Has he ever seen a doctor?
As for your mom, she has the potential to do tremendous harm to your life. Protect yourself. Do not get involved with her “homelessness” situation under any circumstances, she has the resources to save herself. Don’t bother with an intervention, you are the child here, you don’t have to parent your mom. Just distance yourself. Protect your life.
I’m so sorry. You deserve better. Try to have a happy life without her in it.
One of the struggles you’re having is that you *can’t* help her. She’s in Florida, you’re not, she’s too fucked up on the phone to get reliable info and too wasted to accept help if you offered it. The reality is that it’s not going to get better, only worse, and you can’t do anything about it.
She’s an adult and she’s the one calling the shots here. She WANTS her relationship with you to be calling you wasted after 4PM and moaning about…. Whatever. She does not WANT your relationship to be you supporting her as she gets sober, and there is nothing on your end you can do to change that. You can participate in what she wants from you, or not. Those are your only choices.
Idk ☹️ it’s true that alcohol changes your brain over years of use. Literally shrinking it. That, combined with old age, may be why the “functional” part of “functional alcoholic” has disappeared over time. I’m sorry she’s put you in this no win situation.
It sounds like the most you could do for her is just enable her behavior. And let her drag you down with her. Sometimes the only reasonable choice is to remove yourself from a situation.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through, I know it’s hard. I’m 33 and still trying to accept the reality that I can’t have the happy close loving healthy relationship with my mom that I had growing up. I don’t have any wisdom or advice except if someone keeps hurting you emotionally and keeps ignoring your boundaries they are not entitled to be in your life.
When I was younger I went no-contact with my dad. There were sometimes questions from family, especially my mom. After about a year we reconnected because I was finally able to forgive him and now he can just be my dad! I had all this built up resentment and could just let it go. Unfortunately now with my mom I’m kind of at my limit for her bullshit. She won’t help herself or take care of herself and I don’t think I can care about it anymore. It’s too heavy.
You can’t change your mom, all you can control is yourself. It’s up to you if you think confronting her will make you feel better, she’ll probably just drink about it. I personally dislike the defense that old people are set in their ways and should be respected or whatever. Fuck that. Whatever happens I hope you find peace!
If your mother is toxic to your life as an alcoholic, don’t enable her. Her problems are HER problems of her OWN making. You are not responsible for her well being, only your own.
How do I know this? Years of alcoholism and Al-Anon. You NEVER have to allow toxic people into your life even if they are blood family. It really IS just that simple. My mother was the alcoholic.
Coming from a broken home myself, you do not owe her your time or your effort. She is a toxic human and you have every right to go no contact.
OP I cut my mom out of my life for much less severe reasons. Yours is far away, so that helps. You can either have a candid conversation with her like “I cant have you in my life until you address your alcoholism,” or you can just cut her off cold turkey.
I speak from experience when I say your life will become easier when you have emotionally separated yourself from her through no contact
Your question is how? Just block her on everything and never speak to her again
Hey, I needed two takes to cut my mother off. It paid off. It doesn’t bring anything positive to your life. Go your own way, accept the grief, focus on yourself. We can’t save ones that don’t want to be saved.
even if you wanted to there’s nothing you can do. sounds like your brother might need your support in setting boundaries soon
I’m sorry, OP, I get it, and it sucks.
My uBPD mom is similar, she’ll never admit to any fault in her actions, words, or choices, and it was not mentally healthy for me to continue having a relationship with her. I went no contact over a year ago and I have no regrets. My stepdad mentioned that things had all still been pretty much the same as usual in a recent phone call, and I don’t expect that she’ll ever change.
You deserve peace. It’s ok to prioritize yourself and protect yourself from further stress and abuse. If you’d like to offer a way to reconcile in the future (knowing that she likely will never do it), I’d suggest telling your mother that you are no longer interested in maintaining a relationship with someone who is unhealthy and harmful to bother herself and her family. If she wants a relationship with you, she will need to see a therapist to work to understand the harm she’s caused and how not to continue that harm in the future. Free yourself from this continual trauma and surround yourself with healthy, loving people.
Our mothers have some very acute similarities. I changed my phone number and moved and didn’t give her the information. I never made a radical statement of “I’m done and I’m cutting you off”… I just was no longer around.
It was hard. But this is what I thought about: I would never let my children be affected by her the way I was. The flakiness, the disappointment, the lies to cover up her alcoholism.
My mother eventually got cancer, she wanted to say goodbye. I chose not to. She ended up overdosing when I was 26. The drug she overdosed on wasn’t her usual drug of choice (alcohol) but when she passed I felt….relief. She had a hard, miserable life. I was relieved she was “at peace”.
Addiction takes everything good and shits on you. I think you do this however works best for you but I will simply say that I do not have regrets about my actions and from this post alone, it’s very obvious that cutting her off is a healthy choice. I wish you the best.
My dad and step mom aren’t alcoholics, but they were super emotionally and financially abusive. I moved to another state to join my now wife, but I still tried to fix my relationship with them via phone calls. This didn’t work. I asked my dad to go to therapy or else I wouldn’t talk to him anymore. He asked me how I would know and said I was the one who needed therapy since I was the only one bringing it up. I had to block him after that. And the step mom, too.
Blocking them from everything has really helped me separate from them, though. I think that’s the only thing you can do. The first year, it was really tough and I felt guilty like I could change it. But that sometimes guilt has been way better than getting triggered by interactions with them. I hope blocking your mom works out the same way. Or better, honestly. It’s a really tough thing, but you’ve proven you’re tough in your post. Everything you went through, and you’re still here. So I hope things start getting better.
You know, AlAnon exists for loved ones of alcoholics and other addicts. It can be very helpful. I’ll copy+paste their statement on detachment:
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It
does not imply judgement or condemnation
of the person or situation from which we are
detaching. Separating ourselves from the
adverse effects of another person’s alcohol-
ism can be a means of detaching: this does
not necessarily require physical separation.
Detachment can help us look at our situa-
tions realistically and objectively.
Alcoholism is a family disease. Living
with the effects of someone else’s drinking
is too devastating for most people to bear
without help.
In Al-Anon we learn nothing we say or do
can cause or stop someone else’s drinking.
We are not responsible for another person’s
disease or recovery from it.
Detachment allows us to let go of our
obsession with another’s behavior and begin
to lead happier and more manageable lives,
lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by
a Power greater than ourselves. We can still
love the person without liking the behavior.
IN AL-ANON WE LEARN:
• Not to suffer because of the actions or
reactions of other people
• Not to allow ourselves to be used or
abused by others in the interest of
another’s recovery
• Not to do for others what they can do
for themselves
• Not to manipulate situations so others
will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not
drink, or behave as we see fit
• Not to cover up for another’s mistakes
or misdeeds
• Not to create a crisis
• Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the nat-
ural course of events
By learning to focus on ourselves, our
attitudes and well-being improve. We allow
the alcoholics in our lives to experience the
consequences of their own actions.
It will be tough to cut her off, though from what you have written it is long overdue to happen for your mental health. It helps she is in another state, it means she can’t easily come to your house. You will have to block her number and if that doesn’t work, you might have t even change your number. You are probably going to get loads of backlash from your family over it.
Your family is used to your mom constantly rocking the boat and they rush to fix it so things are “calm” again. The right thing would be to tell her to knock it off, but due to upraising they probably feel it is “rude” or rocking the boat themselves if they say or do anything to try to stop her. When you leave that ‘boat’, you will be making them pick up any slack to calm it, on top of your mom causing more rocking since you left. This is not your fault, this is your mom’s fault for being like this. However, there will be people in your family who blame you since they are so used to your mom’s problem causing ways, they are blind to it now. They will say things like “you are overreacting” and “that is just how she is, you know that”.
The “Wow..I can’t believe I sent that” shows she knows what is happening and refuses to do anything about it. She knows she needs help and refuses it. She knows she causes trouble and refuses to try to be better. She is her own person, there is only so much you can do to help others if they don’t want help. You basically have two futures ahead of you, one where you cut her out of your life and one where you don’t. As someone who has cut out a toxic family member out of their life before, it is freeing and peaceful. It is hard, but so worth it.
I would go to Al anon meetings. They will teach you how to deal with family members or close friends that have addiction. Including how to communicate that you can’t support them if they will not be in sobriety. Unfortunately she will need to hit bottom and want it herself.
Have you checked out r/raisedbyborderlines? My mom has never been diagnosed, but holy hell, everything in there was so relatable. I used to follow r/raisedbynarcissists, but only related to a fraction of what was going on there
you can cut your mom out absolutely, that’s entirely your decision! i do want to caution though — BPD can’t be diagnosed while someone is in active addiction. alcoholism changes your brain and personality so much that if you have a history of substance abuse issues, you have to be a year sober before being evaluated for and diagnosed with BPD.
With very few details changed, this is my aunt, down to being a special education teacher, and I can tell you, none of her children put up with her bullshit anymore for good fucking reason. I actually thought you might be my cousin until I saw a couple different details lol. Today is actually the anniversary of her getting way too drunk and cracking her head open on the kitchen floor when I was younger, and once the ambulance took her away, the entire family sat there and talked shit about her, but not one of them actually did anything about the situation and just judged her behind her back while letting her continue her bullshit, which did not help her or her children at all. I think sometimes it does come down to weighing the cost vs benefit of the relationship. Regardless of what situation she’s in, which are because of her own actions, are there actually positive things you get out of your relationship with her? And then, do those positive things outweigh the negatives and how they effect you and your life? If not, then it might be time to step away. She’s your mom, but she’s an adult and you are not responsible for her. I know emotions obviously factor in and it can be difficult to just say “fuck this I have no responsibility here so I’m leaving”, but she’s shown time and time again that she’s going to keep making the decisions she’s been making and lashing out at others when they backfire. It’s up to you if that’s worth having in your life or not, and whether she’s adding to your positivity or draining it
Please attend some AlAnon meetings. I think it will help so much. So sorry you’re dealing with all of it.
Check out r/raisedbyborderlines too, I think you’ll find some familiar stories and some support.
In answer to *how* you do it, you have to give up on the idea that you can explain/present it in a way where she’ll “get it”. She won’t. If you need to draw this boundary and not have her in your life anymore, do it for yourself however it makes sense to you. There’s no right or proper way that will make her see sense, or a specific notarized letter that makes it official. You just draw your boundaries and stick to them. It’s not easy but it’s easier than staying tangled up in her mess and dragged down with her for the rest of her life.
Your mom sounds like my “dad”
I think you could offer her a choice ; go get sober now or lose me. Just hold your ground though & lrt her know you will be there if she sobers up.
Its hard, it really is.
Youll be okay.
Look, none of her shit is on you.
Make a choice for YOU. She’ll either figure her shit out or not, but neither is your problem.
My mother has BPD that was greatly exacerbated by my father’s suicide 5.5 years ago. Both were physicians. I’m in medical school currently and after a suicide attempt/psychotic break where I got her admitted to a local hospital in August of 2021 (during the admission process she literally escaped and I had to find her…long story) and then her past psychiatrist and I moved heaven and earth to get her into a top tier mental facility in Arizona for her to only eventually leave it AMA a couple of weeks in, after which her psychiatrist fired her.
After that I needed a break of communication to focus on myself, which originally was mutual b/w her and I until a couple of months followed and I didn’t acknowledge her birthday. What followed were a slew of harassing and abusive emails rife with inaccuracies and delusional paranoia. At that moment I realized I was done with our relationship…multiple stents of constant manipulative, abusive emails have followed but I am resolute in my decision and my partner’s family and my dad’s family fully support my decision. My sisters still occasionally communicate with her but their patience with her is also waning.
Do not feel guilty…she is an adult…you are responsible for your personal and professional happiness. Move on.