I’m a homeowner, we got the house together but it’s in my name. (He holds this over my head all the time, but I was the one with good credit and careful finances. Rent was too expensive and we needed a place to live because we have a large dog.) Two weekends ago, we cut some branches down from a tree (together) because I’ll be replacing the fence soon and the branches were obstructing the fence-line. We decided we’d pay the lawn guy to move all the branches and limbs to the curb, as they were neatly piled in a corner of the yard by the gate and this would just be the easier option. There were a LOT and the price the lawn guy quoted us was just out of budget, so I decided to go ahead and just do it myself today since I want to put Christmas lights up & get the house looking nice for the holidays. I put my headphones in, got my gloves and got to work. I told my bf prior to starting what I was doing and he went to play video games. I was out there for maybe an hour before he came to check on me, and at that point I was about 75% done. He proceeded to stand there against his car and watch me heave big limbs into the side yard to cut smaller. I really briefly said “that little pile right there is ready to go to the curb if you wanna help or something,” and he fuckin lost it. I can’t even remember all the absolutely ridiculous crap he said. The main points were: “I do this shit all day every day at work, what makes you think I wanna do it on my days off? You work from home in a cold office. Keep being a b___ and I’m just gunna leave.” (Him threatening to leave has been the number one most consistent thing in our cute little relationship of 7 years.) He has always used my choice to work cushy office work-from-home jobs against me. I believe your job/ career choices are just that, choices. He actually worked with me briefly at my last company, I got him an interview and he got hired. He didn’t last long, which was really embarrassing.
Anyway, I finished my job and even did the one hard part he said he’d help me with, all by myself. (Lifting and moving a giant wooden gate to the garage since waste management won’t pick it up.)
Am I in the wrong here? Is there something I need to be made aware of in another light or something? A perspective I’m missing? Am I being selfish? I recognize a) that I didn’t ask him for help with the majority of this task and b) that he does work manual labor every day. I just don’t know how I expect this to play out in the future given that owning a home definitely comes with tedious labor jobs from time to time. I got this house for us to settle down and be comfortable in and I just feel like I’m on my own here. He was paying half the mortgage until I found out I could go on covid forbearance, so now we aren’t paying a mortgage for 6 months and I just feel like maybe he’s taking advantage of me…
Could you put yourself in this situation and tell me how you’d feel?
TLDR; Bf thinks because he chooses to work manual labor job and I work from home in the AC that he doesn’t have to help me with any jobs around the house/ yard we own.
22 comments
So the house is in your name, you do all the work due to some piss-poor excuse of his, and he calls you names. What do you actually get out of this relationship that makes it worthwhile? Is there a man shortage in your town or something?
Your partner is an contemptuous ass.
It’s reasonable to recognize that the kind of work someone does might impact the kind of energy or labor they are most willing or able to do at home.
But that isn’t what this is. He’s just an ass.
No, he’s not right.
I have a hard time ending relationships because I keep thinking I should be flexible and give people chances. But saying someone isn’t a good fit for you isn’t saying you didn’t love them or that they’re a bad person (though your guy does sound like a jerk). Ask yourself:
Does this person make me happier? Imagine you are walking into your house and your partner is in the living room, playing video games. How does your body feel? Nervous? Are you wishing he wasn’t there?
Breakups are really hard. But when you get that freedom from feeling like you’re on eggshells all the time it makes it all worth it.
The toxic weird competition of blue collar vs white collar work in his mind is hella toxic. It seems as though in his mind he’s above you which is not healthy to think that you are better than your partner. And the threats of breaking up with you are toxic too, that sounds like middle school relationship shit. If you guys aren’t married and you can afford to pay the entire mortgage by yourself after the covid relief ends, whats holding you back from dropping him and finding someone who’s not a man baby.
I work a manual job around 16 hours a day. 2 full time jobs. One as a delivery driver and the 2nd as a garage door installer. You know what I do when I get home? Usually the dishes on the weekdays and whatever she wants me to do on the weekends. It’s how a partnership works.
Kick his lazy ass out of your house. He is bringing zero value to you.
Why on earth are you letting a man who calls you the b word live in your house? Kick him out! He’s trash.
* sorry if this appears twice. Auto mod removed my comment cause I cursed smh*
Your bf sounds like an entitled little b!tch. Straight up. It seems like the only adult in the relationship is you. He hasn’t pulled his weight and he’s been taking everything you have to offer only to repay you with entitlement and threats of leaving.
Small moments of “good” do not outweigh the majority of disrespect you’re receiving. I am inclined to think he has major insecurity issues since he can’t pull his weight. It’s not even about being a man. It’s about being a functioning adult. Something he seems to lack.
You’re his meal ticket and he knows it. If he loses you, what does he have? Nothing. If you lose him, what do you have? Your job, YOUR house, your car (when you get a newer one) and overall, your sanity back.
He knows this so he manipulates you and puts you down to make you seem like you’re the problem to hold on to the stability you provide. I’m sorry but he’s the POS that gives us men a bad name.
At the end of the day, you’re gonna do whatever you want to do and what you think is best. But I implore you to get rid of him and find someone that wants to build with you. Not watch you build and act like they’re are entitled to the fruits of your labor. He’s gonna do everything in his power and probably say every single hurtful thing in the world to you if you leave him. But you need to remember, all of that is going to be out of desperation. All of it. That’s what manipulators do.
I wish you the best of luck with everything. If you end it, yes it will hurt. 7 years is a long investment of time. But your investment hasn’t produced much of a return, and when it’s time to get out, it’s time to get out. Take care of yourself ❤️
He’s a complete asshole. You deserve better
Not wanting to do manual labor after getting off from a job that is manual labor is pretty reasonable. Using abusive language to tell you that he doesn’t want to is not.
If you’re interested in keeping this relationship I think you need to work out what’s really going wrong and talk about it. It sounds like it’s not really about moving wood.
For example: Is he jealous of you? Does he hate his job and take it out on you? Do you resent him for not being successful enough/as good financially as you? Do you value different things (e.g. you value the house being nice and he values time to relax)?
If a guy I was dating said “I’m just gonna leave”, I’d waltz over and hold the door open for him. There is nothing wrong with being alone. I am for the first time in years and I am enjoying every second of it. It is way better than being treated like a piece of shit by someone. This should be a partnership where he helps you carry the load. Let someone else put up with his bullshit. You deserve way better.
Not real advice, but this [Calvin and Hobbes](https://i.redd.it/w7r7smwfz02a1.jpg) comic was directly below your post in my feed.
Anyway, you’re not nuts. Just going off this post, he had a completly out of scale reaction. Work doesn’t excuse partners from like…. taking part in the relationship. If he’s not intrested in contributing then he doesn’t get to have a partner.
Meanwhile mine gets put out if I pay someone to do something for me they could do themselves (with my own money lol), and not in the angry way yours is behaving.
His behavior and attitude are relationship enders. You’ve said absolutely nothing positive about him here, so what’s good about the relationship and him (you don’t need to tell me just definitely ask yourself that) ? And he’s been threatening to leave you for 7 years??
The best time to break up with him was 6 years and 11 months ago. The second best is now. You deserve someone who doesn’t suck or name call or flip out randomly. Being single will be heavenly I bet.
Kick that deadbeat to the curb. He’s useless and is bringing you down. Plus he sounds like he’s kind of abusive towards you. Those are the exact qualities you don’t want in a partner. Ditch him and find a financially responsible partner who you can build a financial future with, instead of supporting a leech.
Everything that needs to be said
But fyi the deferral in the loan is just that a federal – you’re going to owe all that at the end and you’re getting interest on it as well
No free rides – fuck that
So he doesn’t want to do anything in the house you own because he works manual labor? He can change that if he wants to. It’s just an excuse and it’s a tired one right? Kick him out.
He’s gonna blackmail to break off…call him bluff and said ok, you can star packing your clothes..i wanna you out by tonight/tomorrow..see how he change his tune then.. but the gaslighting wont stop even if it stop for a bit, it will continue when he sees you demure..
Stand up for once, he got nothing that you will loose here.. think this for once, what if in the future you’re pregnant and was carrying a heavy loads of groceries or baby stuff. When you ask for his help, he shout the same thing. What about when you have the baby then, he shout for you to not just sit with the bany and do some chores…will you continue living like that..
7 years is a long time and he’s getting comfortable with you to abuse you..
Get out of that relationship and stay out.
What a lame excuse of a man
Leave – omg 7 years of this?! You can do better.
Babe that house is in your name and all this man does is treat you like garbage . Kick his ass out and keep the dog
You already know.
Your bf is not a partner to you. He doesn’t see you as a his ‘teammate’ per se.
My husband is a blue collar and work in trade and outside the house, he does sometime get jealous with my job which is a remote position and I sit my butt at home in the AC and warmth of the house. He sometimes would complain about his job and how hard he has it, BUT, he NEVER ever once balked when it comes to doing his part in our home. If there are branches to be removed, he’s there first, I’m helping but he’s definitely the one taking charge of doing things around our house. Sure, he sometimes is a little ‘lacking’ in the inside the house department (cleaning/vacuuming/dusting/washing/cooking), but he usually takes charge if it’s something to do with our house.
So your bf SUCKS for doing what he does. My husband never blames me for having a ‘cushy’ job or so he says, because we’re family, husband-wife, a team. He would never deliberately neglect me or refuse to help if I ask.
Your bf may not like his job, but he can’t be taking it out on you. This is why I think he sees you as an enemy of some sort, he doesn’t see you as his best friend, or someone in his ‘team.’ I think your issue is you can’t stand ‘loneliness. Tbh, OP, it’s more lonely to be in a relationship where your so-called partner doesn’t see your as his partner/love.