Recently I found out through Reddit that my girlfriend of three years has been lying about being happy with our sex lives. She admitted that she never finishes when we have sex. We have talked about sex several times, if there is something that she didn’t like or if she wanted to try something new, and she has never mentioned it.
I’m absolutely crushed. I feel betrayed, but that might just be me being a bit dramatic. I just can’t seem to understand why she didn’t say anything earlier. When we have sex it seems like she enjoys it. She is very vocal and her facial expressions change when she is «about to cum». She is one hell of an actress it seems.
my head is all over the place and Im not sure if I want to be with her anymore. Im feel embarrased and angry. How can our relationship survive this??
I haven’t confronted her yet, as Im not sure on how to approach this. I could really need some advice
28 comments
You should really talk to her. All this is a communication problem
She can still enjoy it even if she doesn’t finish. You still should talk to her about
Is there a possibility that she was talking about someone else?
What did she say on Reddit? Can she orgasm alone? Mosh women do not orgasm from penis in vagina sex. They require clitoral stimulation.
Watch “The Principles of Pleasure” on Netflix
A recent study from the official publication of the International Academy of Sex Research shows that while gay and straight men climax about during about 85% of their sexual encounters, women having sex with women orgasm about 75% of the time, while women having sex with men come last (literally) at 63%. On a first-time hookup, the gap widens further, with 80% of men reaching orgasm compared with only 40% of women.
I go down on her before sex till she cums then I cum
It’s a win win
A lot of women, more than would admit, do not cum from intercourse. But they pretend because they know, as you’ve just shown, that their partner would be hurt if they didn’t. And in some cases, when the women let their partners know, the men will make it a mission to make them cum, which just leads to too much pressure on the woman and defeats the whole purpose.
Some women I know have pretended for decades.
Not all women can orgasm through vaginal sex, some through clitoral stimulation others through vaginal. Experiment, talk to her about it and what she enjoys, some guys can just have sex and jerk off and its enough, people also need to be in the mood physically and mentally, for some guys its super easy – some girls it can take a LONG time.
Take the first step – be the adult, talk. Ask about the account, and explain you feel embarrassed but most importantly don’t accuse, don’t attack, ask and listen. NOT hear, LISTEN. If she wants to deny it, either way explain.
Some people like sex whilst being tied up and being told certain things in a certain tone. Some women squirt, some don’t. Some have a hard time just getting off, and need toys.
Don’t be ashamed of it bud, everyone is complex as hell, and shit – she could be embarrassed that she’s not able to.
She can love you more than anyone in the world but if her machinery needs a longer time to warm up, vibes are a good start.
One thing that could be interesting is using a toy – getting her off and then going for the full course because I’m sure it’ll be a hell of a lot more intimate if that engine is running. Trying my best here xD haha.
Good luck
>Recently I found out through Reddit that my girlfriend of three years has been lying about being happy with our sex lives
How did you find out about this? Because if you snooped I’ve got some bad news for you.
there’s too many “I found my SO’s Reddit” posts in the last few days and I’m pretty sure they are all fake
A lot of women have been taught to lie about their sexual pleasure, or lack thereof, to spare their boyfriend’s ego. The amount of married women who have been having sex with men for decades and have never experienced a single orgasm is much higher than it should be.
You can remedy the situation by letting her know you are hurt by the lies and you are also hurt that she doesn’t feel comfortable enough with you to be honest about it. That is not a recipes for a good long term relationship. See what she has to say about the situation and then decide what you want to do.
There are solutions if you want to stay together, but you can also choose to walk away.
> How can our relationship survive this??
it can’t
if she is lying convincingly about something as important as this, what else is she lying about?
can’t trust her, move on
Ok so I have been the woman in this situation and I will tell you why I have faked it. It’s never because my partner wasn’t willing or able to get me there. It definitely wasn’t a lack of skill on their part. It usually was because I wanted to have sex with them, and then we’d start and for whatever reason, my brain and body just wouldn’t cooperate. So we’d be going at it and it would feel good and I’d be close and eventually just get annoyed myself with how long I was taking so I’d give up and just fake it to “get it over with” not because my partner sucked. But because I knew (I know my body) it just wasn’t going to happen. And rather than disappoint my partner it just seemed easier to fake it and make them think it was great. The problem was 100% me. The only time this really became an issue was if it became habitual on both our parts or my partner was really checked out and it was just a quickie all the time. Even then though I generally got there every 4-5 times so it didn’t matter all that much.
I mean women fake orgasms because we want you to think we’re enjoying it, but the only people losing out are the ones faking it. It’s not something I do often. But I will bring out a performance if I feel like it’s not going to happen and I want my partner to have a good time and enjoy himself.
I can’t speak from your perspective but I personally am in the same situation with my boyfriend. After dating for a while I told him that I had personally never came and he made it his fucking mission to make me and it got to the point where I just couldn’t take the pressure and constant questions during sex of if I’d come yet. It made me feel like an inconvenience and made me feel bad when I would have to tell him I didn’t so I just started exaggerating with facial expressions and noises and telling him I did so he would feel good about himself and stop making sex a chore instead of a fun experience. Once I started telling him I did there was no going back, you can’t just say ‘oh yeah btw I lied all those times and still haven’t came’ because I know it will hurt him. I’ve even tried getting him to experiment in bed recently to see if that would help me but he just won’t. You need to have compassion for her side of the experience, it’s hard feeling like something is wrong with you and being turned into an accomplishment instead of a partner.
Admittedly there’s not much you can do other than talk to her and ask for honesty.
Start with how you found her on reddit and found out she’s been faking it. And ask why. How is the sex starting? Is there plenty of foreplay? Is there a way you can make it better for her? Have you asked anytime after sex if she had/hadn’t finished?
There’s no reason to be embarrassed about not finishing her off, but I’d definitely be upset with her faking it.
My partner gets me off during foreplay sometimes. Or with penetration, after he cums, he’ll ask if I got there, and I’m always close, so he’ll grab a toy and finish me off. He also has trouble cumming, so sometimes he won’t finish at all, but he’ll still finish me off. He always asks if I got there,
It’s all about communication.
The only big issue is imagine would be whether or not you can believe her after sex etc
Women’s bodies are complicated. It could be that she isn’t really sure what to do to have an orgasm so she doesn’t know what to tell you. Some women can orgasm easily but some can’t. Vibrators can be helpful!
Look, there îs no need to feel embarassed. If you felt the need to ask about this and feel angry about it then its more than a lot of men do. This being said, I can tell you from a womans perspective. I dont know how old you are but it takes a bit until a man can actyqlly make the difference betwen a real and fake orgasm. Dont ask me how but my hb knows even when I lost my orgasm or when it was one that was not very intense. first she needs to be fully relaxed not with her mind on work or anything else. Vaginal orgasm doesent come to all of us, so clitoral stimulation îs key. As somebody said, we all have our kinks, find the ones that your partener has. She might have faked it to not Hurt you, or, there îs a second idea. Corect me if I am wrong but it did happen to me, I had a partener who would have sex trying to make me orgasm but I didnt have the actual stimulation I needed. I was young and dum at that point and didnt have the courage to tell him the truth and I would be faking it. Maybe she has some kinks she îs a bit ashamed of or she was ashamed about the ideea itself. Maybe its a bad comparison but its like trying to get pregnant. There are couples who have unprotected sex and dont get pregnant because the mind îs thinking ” I need to get pregnant”. If you both focus your mind on the orgasm it doesent help, for me its more about the connection and a relaxed mind. Hope it helps.
Lying in a relationship is never good, but this is a pretty minor lie all told. If she’s generally trustworthy in most other respects, this is something to have a talk about. Let her know that you accidentally stumbled on her Reddit post and figured out that it was her and give her a chance to come clean. Be clear that you understand why she might have been uncomfortable telling you the truth (likely she thought you would take her lack of orgasm personally when it’s not something she has a lot of control over) but that you really need truthfulness in a relationship even if it’s a hard subject. And then be a safe person for her to tell those things to. Don’t take it personally or go on a mission to make her come and put extra pressure on it. If she doesn’t come with you and she knows why, maybe work on those things together. If she’s not coming and she has no idea why, it’s possible she can’t get off from sex and the solution may be that she used a vibrator herself with you providing intimacy and then enjoys sex with you afterward. Orgasms don’t have to happen for sex to feel good. Either way, y’all may just need to accept that orgasms aren’t always going to happen and that’s fine or that you may have to branch out a bit to get there.
If she doubles down and refuses to admit the lie or change the behavior, that’s a bigger problem and that’s the point that I would start rethinking the relationship. If things are otherwise good and she’s willing to stop lying and work on it with you, that’s a healthy way to move forward. Some trust will need to be established, for you because she faked it and for her because it’s likely she faked it because she doesn’t fully trust you or your response either. Give it a shot, put your ego out of it if you have feels about not making her come and listen, insist on honesty, and if she won’t leave the fiction behind, then consider backing off of the relationship.
I mean, there are only a small % of women that can during sex. Maybe you are convinced by porn all women can? Rather than understanding women anatomy?
Yes, you can move on and communicated.
Ask her about her fantasies and try experimenting with her. She might not feel safe to voice her disappointment for many reasons, from maybe bad past experiences or to just not hurt your ego, so you won’t get a straight answer, especially if you havnt in 3 years.
Talk to her about her fantasies and accommodate and mix it up. Sex is supposed to be fun so start experimenting if she’s comfortable with that.
Don’t tell her I found your Reddit and you’ve been lying for 3 years etc. Once she gets comfortable voicing her kinks and interest then you can ask why she would hold back and deprive herself of quality sex for so long.
I would suspect this is a fully mental thing on her part. She probably has very intense anxiety about feeling like she would take too long, or afraid she would be too needy if she asked for more help. In fact, she’s probably most anxious about the place she’s put herself in. In her head, she’s probably thinking about how suspicious it would be if she suddenly switched up her fake performance, or if she would look bad for recommending adding a toy or more foreplay to the sexual routine. She’s in too deep. Unfortunately, a huge portion of women are in this same position.
It’s totally valid to be hurt, but please approach her with a sense of empathy, because if you come at her the wrong way, none of this will get solved. It will get worse.
Honestly, this may be controversial, but maybe you shouldn’t even bring up that you saw the post. You’ve already seen everything you need to know. You can approach her in a comfortable environment and you say something like, “I want to try something new. I want to make you feel the best you can in bed, and feel new sensations. What do you say we go to a sex toy shop, and we can pick something out you think you’d like?” You should try to empower her in this area, and let her know you value her and her experience, and that you’d like to elevate it. This way, you’re the one who strongly initiates and motivates change, but she is the one who can inconspicuously navigate something that might help her. If that fails, then you should tell her you saw the post.
Seems like you need to up your game. Most women never come from penetration. They need a lot of foreplay and then clitoral stimulation. Encourage her to tell you the truth about what she needs. If you break up with her now, you are proving to her that she was right not to tell you, because to her it must feel like you are breaking up because she is not satisfied (and maybe she already feels „not good enough“, because she can’t come).
Follows a predictable pattern of women who you date not giving meaningful feedback about anything to help you improve, cf. physical appearance, what to do on dates, how to lay pipe…
Incredibly frustrating
If you choose to walk away that’s fine. You can walk away from any relationship for any reason. You do not have a duty to stay with someone if It isn’t what you want. That is a legitimate option, so don’t feel bad if that’s what you choose.
But, you have had 3 years with this person, and presumably before this you were happy with the relationship?
So although leaving is an option maybe don’t do anything to quickly, give yourself time to think about everything and if this is really worth loosing your partner over. Surely it is worth a discussion with her once you feel a bit calmer?
From her perspective, she should have said something much earlier on in the relationship, but now 3 years in she maybe just felt it would be too embarrassing for you if she tried to talk about it. She likely just wanted to let you keep feeling good, it’s much easier than telling you and you feeling unhappy that she lied about it but also less confident in your sexual performance.
On the positive side, she has stayed with you and tried to make you feel good and confident, she put you first. She clearly cares about you a lot, she’s also trying to find a solution without hurting your feelings.
It’s not about what she has done, it is about why she has done it and if it came from a good place that’s fine. People make mistakes but have good intentions and they often get overlooked.
The third and perhaps best option, just do a little “research” on your own and surprise her with some new stuff or maybe better technique in the bedroom. Focus on her a little more but still make it good for you too.
This way you don’t need to break up or have the tough discussion, but you are still finding a solution and it will be a much smoother discussion to have eventually.
You can have the “What the hell! I saw your reddit and you’ve lied for 3 years” angry discussion
Or you put in some time to find some new ideas and try them out then get to have the “hey, I saw your reddit, not gonna lie I felt pretty crushed. But I want you to enjoy our sex life as much as I do, so I’ve tried some new things, I’m sure you’ve noticed…” discussion. Keep it light, a little humorous. Don’t feel embarrassed about it, it’s just like anything else, you learn as you go and it helps if she feels like it won’t hurt you to talk about. She’ll be more open to talk about it if you seem amicable.
It’s not uncommon for women to view male pleasure as more important than their own and this conditioning can take trust, time and a conscious effort to adjust.
Already the language of your posts suggests a rather accusatory tone and instead of making any attempt to understand how she might be feeling or why she would do this, you have only focused on yourself and the way it makes YOU feel.
Is this indicative of your relationship with her? If so, I’d say it’s fairly obvious why she a) doesn’t cum and b) feels the need to fake it to save your precious ego.
Because you are selfish and insecure.
Your girlfriend doesn’t owe you orgasms and there could be a million reasons that she feels obligated to fake them.
Maybe she can’t actually have them, maybe it’s difficult for her and she is even more embarrassed than you are about it. Maybe you’re just terrible in bed and she didn’t want to hurt your feelings because she cares about you and you are clearly sensitive.
Firstly, DON’T get defensive or combative over this, you will learn nothing from that. Instead, try for a more empathetic approach and try to put yourself in her position.
You love this girl right? So imagine if she was bad in bed. Would you want to tell her so? Or would that hurt her feelings and make you feel like an asshole?
What if your dick didn’t work? Would you want her to think it was her fault, even if it wasn’t? Or would that just make you feel guilty that you couldn’t be everything she wanted?
It may benefit you both if you could find a way to be more vocal about your needs. She may need to do a little self exploration in order to figure out what that actually involves, but the best thing you can do is dial back the ego by about 80% and try to have a compassionate conversation. Explain to your girl that you want to make her feel as good as she makes you feel, make her feel beautiful and cherished so that she might feel more able to open up to you about what is naturally a very emotional, intimate and private act.
You could shift the perspective around your typical sex life activities to place her pleasure aa a priority, though be mindful not to turn priority into pressure. Just because a woman doesn’t cum that doesn’t necessarily mean she hasn’t enjoyed herself. Take some time to engage in foreplay and sex that isn’t focused around the penis and or penetration, and instead place her at the centre of attention, even if she is unable to achieve climax, that doesn’t make the activity any less valuable as orgasm does not have to be the goal. The goal is to make her feel beautiful, desirable and treasured. If you take the pressure away from the intent, then neither of you need be fixated on achieving the orgasm, which may allow the freedom to simply enjoy each other’s bodies.
While going down on her/using hands/toys ask her; “does that feel good/do you like it when I do that”. Tell her what you like in return to make her feel more comfortable voicing her desire; “I love the way your body feels/moves/looks”. Talk to her about what you want to do to her and how much it excites you. You might even explain to her that there is a satisfaction in being of service to her that you are hoping to achieve, “Tell me what turns you on/teach me how to do it just right”. All of this serves as a way to positively reinforce her mindset around communication and make her more comfortable talking to you. When it comes to women, headspace is the single most important factor to achieving the best results in the bedroom.
Best of luck to you both!
Yea “betrayed” is a bit dramatic. Embarrassed maybe. Let this be a learning experience. Spend more time doing the stuff you know she likes. Have a heart to heart with her and let her know that you aren’t a mind reader but it’s important to you that she gets off. At that point, if she’s still faking that’s all on her.
She was pretending to cum the whole time?
If that is the case then she is completely to blame here because she was not only not communicating her wants and needs, but she was actively trying to trick you into thinking that she was liking what you were doing.
The only way for you to figure out what she wants is for her to tell you or for you to interpret her non verbal feedback. In this case she was deliberately giving you false feedback.
It’s humiliating for sure, but I wouldn’t say that it’s a deal breaker as much as it’s a “come to Jesus” moment for her. She needs to recognize what she has done, apologize for it sincerely, and pledge to be honest going forward.
I don’t see why things can’t improve significantly from now on if she does that.
Bro deep down you knew, you don’t have a special skill set, you have not looked deeper then your dick goes.you have now made it awkward.if your fast finisher or your stroke last a long time.but there’s no conection .you have a lot of work to put into yourself first then bring it back to the man you should be.she hasn’t cheated on you. She feels a connection to you by telling you.so it isn’t lying she knows about guys and the pride in our heads its not about you its all about there pleasure get with her listen to what she wants then you work on it