I have been dating a girl for a while now and we get along really well in almost every regard. However we had the talk about sexual partners and it turns out that she has slept around quite a lot, some of them are people I know and one is a pretty close friend of mine. She has tried to sleep with me a number of times but I haven’t really felt ready and now that I know this it’s just really off putting to me. She also got mad at me for a while when I didn’t sleep with her.
I don’t really know how to tell her this, should I just tell her out loud that I think she has had too many sexual partners and that I don’t feel like I can trust a partner like that? Really wish I didn’t feel this way because we really like each other but I can’t help it.
38 comments
Why do you have to tell her? She’s not the one for you. Just say that and move on. No need to bring sexual history into it.
I’d just keep it vague, if you’ve decided you don’t wanna see her, just say you’re not thinking it’s gonna work out, and you’re not feeling this situation and go your separate ways
Just tell her that you’re too much of a judgy wad for her and wish her well
Just don’t, if you’re insecure enough to not develop the relationship over something uncontrollable then leave it at that. You’ll just out yourself as a complete a**hole and ruin her confidence for no reason.
Jesus, how many sexual partners is too many? At least she was honest. Don’t dog her and judge her to her face even if it really bothers you. Just tell her it’s not working out and move on.
Maybe be less judgey in future.
You sound like a clueless, judgmental douche bag frankly.
Just tell her you don’t think it’ll work out and leave your other hang ups and weird shit out of it.
Frankly, she’s better off without you.
it’s very concerning to me that all the comments are brushing over the fact that she got mad at him for not wanting to sleep with her?? Yeah his stance is a bit judgemental but we don’t have to be defending her either
She doesn’t get to be upset with you for not being ready to have sex with her.
And you don’t get to decide how many sexual partners is too many.
I find it weird that this person you decided to date suddenly became “untrustworthy” due to how many people she’s slept with BEFORE you. But I digress, y’all aren’t compatible.
Just say y’all aren’t a good fit or you aren’t feeling it anymore. You’ll be a major jerk if you decide to let her know you think she’s had too many sexual partners
I think people are being harsh here. I agree it’s not your place to judge her for it, but it is absolutely your place to set your own boundaries and preferences romantically. She’s just not for you, that’s ok. If you think that it’s something you can’t get over just be honest with her about it and make clear that it’s simply a matter of personal preference and what your comfortable with, not some judgement on her or saying there’s something wrong with her.
The golden rule: do unto to others as you would have them do unto you. No one needs harsh judgements against their person for things that cannot be undone. Can well understand not wanting to be the latest among your friends. Be decent and firm and if you like, be friends. Do not offer a soft, no. Be prepared that if she was angry you didn’t before, she may absolutely loathe you with a firm no.
I don’t think it’s necessary to tell her why when your reason is something she can’t change about herself. And honestly, shouldn’t have too. She definitely doesn’t need to have a complex about it just because one guy has an issue. 100 others won’t, but she will be self conscience of it just because of your flippant comment.
Don’t tell her, either get over it, or end it. Telling her won’t change shit.
Hmm… I agree with what others have already said. Which is: telling her she’s had too many sexual partners isn’t necessary. It would be better to own up to the vulnerability you’re feeling vs. making it about her.
I’d be curious to know why you feel like you can’t trust a partner who has had “too many” sexual partners?
She shouldn’t be pissy because you won’t sleep with her. That is a red flag. If a guy took that tone with me, I wouldn’t continue to have them in my life because that response is just scary to me. I would feel like there is an ulterior motive to rush.
Don’t worry about being polite, she wasn’t. Avoid her and block her if you can. Maybe just text or tell her “I am not interested in getting to know you any longer and no longer want any contact”.
Are you telling her because you want to be honest or because you want to shame her? Really think about who your trying to make feel better here.
For the love of god keep that to yourself
You don’t. Like the thing I ask myself before putting my own issues, boundaries, whatever on someone else is….is this a productive conversation to have? This isnt an issue like, she doesnt communicate enough or she drinks too much. It’s not something she could change for you, even if she wanted to.
Its set in stone, a part of her history…theres nothing productive in telling her that something that is a part of her she cannot change is not to your liking. All she needs to know is you are not interested in dating, and then what you need to do is follow through with breaking contact. Liking her does not negate that you have this judgemental view of something that is a part of her past, something she has no control over changing, for you, for herself, for anyone.
The only purpose in telling her this info is to make her feel shame for having things in her past you dont approve of and is a deal breaker for you. And thats not the way to treat someone you say you really like.
You need to do some self reflection bud. Who gives a shit, if you like her, then her past partners don’t mean shit..she’s with you.
Pull your head out of your ass and enjoy the person in your life.
It is what it is..talking about it won’t change the past. Like, is there anything she could say that’d make you feel differently? Either deal with it or move on. And btw most women will have had more partners than most men – think about it..most women have guys coming at them constantly…
Say “bye b*tch you’z a ho*” 😎
“She got mad when I didn’t sleep with her”
Reverse the genders and think about it again.
Just tell her you’re not compatible. If you explained the reason it’d be as bad as telling someone you’re dumping then because of a physical feature. Because what she did isn’t anything wrong, it just isn’t up your alley. Yes it was her choice to have fun and live her life to the fullest, but would be a dumb thing to punish someone for because it isn’t the 1700s anymore.
Learn from this mistake. I had the opposite happen when I was younger. My girlfriend got mad at me for my number. It ruined our relationship and made her jealous. Never EVER talk about sexual partner numbers with someone you are interested with, or are already dating.
The person you like was molded by their past. Leave it at that.
This is a you problem not a her problem. All you have to say is you don’t see a future with her and don’t want to waste her time it doesn’t need to be more complicated than that and you don’t need to give her a traumatic experience based on your insecurity or general perspective on sex.
Tell her after learning that she has slept with people you know, one being a pretty close friend of yours, that you feel uncomfortable pursuing things any further.
You shouldn’t, because it’s not your place to judge… Like ok you have preferences and it puts you off, that doesn’t mean you have any right to judge how many partners is “too many” and honestly just phrasing it like that kinda reveals your true intentions here
I would just be completely direct and honest about it. The truth and fact is, her past decisions make you feel uncomfortable with her as a potential partner. If that makes her feel bad, she can reconcile and work through those feelings if she needs to. Don’t feel bad about how you feel about it.
You don’t. If it makes you uncomfortable decide if it is your deal breaker and leave. Or deal with it… it’s your issue not hers.
You are absolutely within your right to set, have, and respect your own boundaries and/or preferences, but there will be no ‘nice’ way of telling her you’re effectively letting it go due to her sexual past…. now if you did want to skirt around it because you do really like her, you could just say you don’t want to hear about it. That’s a boundary. If she doesn’t like it nor respects it then it’s a different kettle of fish. Is she talking openely or bragging?
My own personal input, I’d be mortified if someone did that to me. I know my sexual history has been influenced by my mental state, and if I felt comfortable then talking about it I wouldn’t want it to be thrown back my way.. if that makes sense.
There’s absolutely nothing to be gained by telling her. If it bothers you, stop dating her. You can’t unring that bell.
You having a problem with her sexual past is just that, your problem. Why are you so insecure about it? If she’s clean and loyal there’s no issue. Maybe do her a favour and move on.
What’s her number vs. yours?
Either break up or quit complaining
People slamming OP when being turned off by a woman’s past but not realising that it’s the exact same as a woman being turned off if a man has no future.
If a man is a bum, broke, lives with his mum, smokes pot, you bet a woman rejecting him for not having a future constitutes legitimate preferences. Same thing here. If she has a past like that, a man has every right to enforce a standard to not accept it.
Be honest and tell her that it’s not going to work. You don’t owe her anything else afterwards.
just say it’s the fact that she’s slept with people that are close to you that’s made you uncomfortable, rather than the number. the number doesn’t matter at all it doesn’t make a difference to anything, but i personally wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who has slept with my friends!
This is why I maintain a policy of “dont ask, dont tell”. Theres no need to know – and no need to tell.
Personally I don’t think this is worth shareing. It will not help her in the long run so why bother.
I would be much quicker to suggest that you want your sex life to be as private as possible and at your own pace. Tell her that because she got so mad that you wanted to take things slow and she has been with enough people you know that you feel a disconnect sexually. That you like her as a person but she isn’t the one for you.
As a sidebar you can possibly warn her that being mad when a guy won’t sleep with her is pretty crappy. It really isn’t acceptable for her to act like that.
Let me summarize. You get along great with this girl and everything is great except for the fact that YOU can’t handle the fact that she has explored her sexuality. Sounds like a YOU problem to me. Pro tip for the future? If you can’t handle information like this, then don’t ask your potential partners to disclose it.