TL;DR: My ex (M25) treated me (F25) like garbage, abused me, but everyone else was treated very different and now he has a girlfriend with whom he does everything he said he couldn’t with me.
I have lived and observed situations where, one of the partners abuse of their significant other, even say they can’t do stuff with them because they don’t like it. But have a complete different behaviour with friends/family when they even do all the things they said hate doing with their partner? Why consider other more worth of love than the person they have a relationship? And sometimes they even look for someone else quickly and do all they said could never do before with this new partner ? Is it fault of letting this behavior happen in the first place? Could this be avoided ? Or is it a common abuser behaviour ? Is there anything I could read more about this type of behaviour and what causes it ?
6 comments
>now he has a girlfriend with whom he does everything he said he couldn’t with me.
Abusers lie.
Abusers are often very charming people. How else would they be able to fool you into getting into a relationship with them? Would you have dated him if he started out treating you like garbage?
Abusers hate to be alone. So they move on quickly and they do the same thing with the next partner. You would do well to stop keeping track of what your ex is doing and why he does it and focus on healing and moving on from him. Stop talking to him. Block him. Let your circle know they should not provide information to him about you or carry back any news to you.
>Or is it a common abuser behaviour ?
Yes. Isolate the victim by only abusing them, and not anyone they might be in contact with.
Abusers live behind a mask, a false facade. If they advertised themselves as the abuser they are, they wouldn’t have romantic relationships, they wouldn’t have friends, their family would be disappointed, etc.
It’s also not uncommon for an abuser to get a new partner and really try to rub your nose in it. It’s just another way they mess with your self esteem, your emotions, your mental health, another way to exert control and abuse you more.
Go no contact. Block their number, their emails, unfollow and block on all forms of social media. Tell your friends you don’t want to know what he’s up to (if they’re the type to tell you things/gossip) don’t look him up, don’t Google, don’t cyber stalk, etc.
Focus on YOU.
That’s just how most of users operate – they pick their targets. It might not be purposeful but it makes it a lot easier to continue the abuse because the people around them don’t see that side of them and can provide denial and cover; And also can give them something easy to gaslight you with after all if he treats all these other people fine then it must be something that you are doing or if everyone else doesn’t see him as abusive then maybe what he’s doing isn’t abuse.
I would like to point out that if you’re getting upset about the outward appearance of his new relationship, remember that your relationship with him probably appear to be fine for the outside as well. Because I know that can feel super shitty to have someone treat you like crap and then move on to treat someone else well, it’s just worth keeping in mind that you don’t have that whole picture. Give yourself some space and time to heal
It’s to keep up the character. Most abusers come off as very convincing and charming and they isolate you so you have no one while maintaining they’re wonderful people on the outside while they beat you at home. Also so a lot of people won’t believe you when you say you’re being abused. People will question “but he’s so nice” “but Tina never hit anyone before”
This is how abusers function in the world. If they were abusive and awful to everyone, they’d get found out very quickly.
They depend on a system of people who believe that they’re charming and friendly and kind. They use people as a means to an end, so it requires being kind, but they also need those people as a shield to “disprove” anyone who accuses them or calls them out for their real and abusive behaviour.
I know this all too well, but from a slightly different angle. My mother has a personality disorder and everyone believes she’s lovely and charming. She’s an utter nightmare to those closest to her.