**Disclaimer:** I don’t literally believe that I’m not a human, suspending your disbelief will help you understand my point.
Eversince I was a kid, other kids and adults would always say certain things about me and never be able to elaborate on them.
“you’re weird”, “it’s just something about you, idk what it is”, “why do you always use those big words, are you trying to make yourself seem smart?”, “stop acting like that, just be genuine”, “stop changing your voice, just talk normally”
But I wasn’t changing anything about myself.
“you’re such a complicated child”, “you say and do things nobody understands”, “you never make sense”, “you act like an adult, why don’t you just enjoy your childhood a little?”
But to me, the other children would always do stupid things and then wonder why stupid things happened to them. All the things I said made perfect sense to me and when I demonstrated them, everyone would look so surprised like I just performed a magic trick.
Today, I’m 21 and my dad beat all the soul out of me, even looking at myself in the mirror makes me insecure for a reason I can’t put into words.
I just don’t seem right, but there’s nothing I can quite pin down about it, almost like how everyone else could not pin down what was wrong about me but still somehow knew that something was wrong.
In pictures, I always seem like someone edited me in from another picture and forgot to down/upscale me. I’m always a bit bigger/smaller/wider/rounder, too far foward/back. It just doesn’t look like I’m actually supposed to be there.
My voice always sounds like I’m whispering to hold myself back, even if I scream.
I tried everything: gargling molten chocolate, forcing my adam’s apple down, drinking black tea, swallowing butter. Nothing works. I’m just the same guy who sounds like he never went through puberty.
Have you ever heard of the term “simulacrum”? It means “an imitation without an original” and that perfectly describes how I feel about myself. I feel like the real me died at 8 years old and got replaced by an alien or a robot who’s trying to replicate me, but fails because it’s not actually a person.
Whatever alien invasion or mad scientist’s experiment is, I want it to be over soon so I can be something that doesn’t need to be fake to seem real.
31 comments
Idk man, sounds to me like you were traumatized and still are by your childhood experiences.
None of this is normal and it looks like you suffer from some kind of mental trouble. Not recognizing your own voice or image in a mirror is a sign of [depersonalization](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization).
If your dad literally beat the shit out of you, no wonder you’re not acting “normally”. It could be PTSD.
it’s dissociation. derealization, depersonalization. i highly recommend looking into dissociation & the above. they can happen from trauma. i’ve had a bit of dissociation. i think therapy really helps and etc
It sounds like you’re struggling and may really benefit from speaking to a mental health professional to help you sort your experiences and emotions. Even if they don’t have a quick fix for what you’re facing, sometimes getting a diagnosis and formulating a plan of action can really help some people feel a sense of relief. Do you have access to a counselor, therapist, psychiatrist or similar in your area? There are even some available online now too.
I can relate to the feelings of being “weird” and “too mature”
Unfortunately it was because of trauma, and being mature because I had to. It’s just how my brain dealt with the stressors of my childhood.
While I agree that being a person is a super weird experience, I do also thing you have a great deal of depersonalization going on. Talking to a therapist and hearing how other people have handled this issue might be really beneficial to you. Finding people that feel the same way doesn’t cure your mental ailment, but it can make you feel less alone in your experience, less like ‘you’re an anomaly’ and more like ‘this is a thing that happens to people sometimes.’
Hope this helps. I’m sorry about you having a rough time, you didn’t deserve that <3
Sounds like an identity crisis and being in your own head too much. That latter part isn’t a criticism. I was there a lot, especially 15-25. CBT helped me a lot. I came from an abusive background. It took a long time for my identity to be clear to me and my confidence in who I am to solidify. The being beaten for who you are instead of accepted as you are has everything to do with that. Know this: your dad missed out on a lot by not accepting you as you were at any time and simply enjoying you at that time. You deserved better. You deserved to develop without the pressures and expectations of a broken, miserable, cruel person.
Sounds like a bit more than a problem related to social skills. I’ve seen some very wild guesses from this thread. Listen to a mental health professional instead. Not the least expensive, but certainly the most accurate option.
The adults around you were fucking terrible, they are whet shaped this feeling of being “weird”. I would highly recommend looking into cutting them off and seeking some form of help for your mental health
Go see a therapist mate
You’re not fake. It might not feel like it but you’re valid and wonderful as you are. You might be different than others, and that’s okay. The world would be mundane and boring if we were all the same.
I‘m sorry to hear that your father was abusive, and that you dislike the sound of your own voice so much that you feel like you need to push on your Adam’s apple and gargle hot chocolate. That doesn’t seem healthy to me.
Have you considered therapy or confiding in someone you’re close to, someone who cares? If you go to college you might have access to trained professionals who can listen to your problems and give you advices and access to resources you need.
I think what you’re feeling is probably not all that uncommon for someone who has suffered abuse. There are hotlines you can call if you ever feel overwhelmed or just need someone to talk to. If you’re in the US, the number is 800-799-7233.
You had to abandon yourself to survive. When we (rather, our soul) feels unsafe in our body it dissociates out of the body to survive like others have stated. There’s nothing wrong with you and nothing ever was wrong. Being different doesn’t mean being weird or bad. You likely bring out insecurities in others because they feel unintelligent around you. When people accuse us of things they’re projecting their own feelings onto us. Example. “Why are you saying those words to make yourself look smart” actually means “I’m not familiar with those words and dont know people who regularly use them and so I’m insecure” you could say the exact same words or phrases around other people with even larger vocabularies and they wouldn’t bat an eye. Had your parents supported you as a child they would have made you feel safe to grow and embrace your high intelligence.
That said with all the new research on autism and adhd you may want to look into those. Many people with neurodivergency are incredibly smart and excel faster than others at a young age but struggle with social skills. That said, you also could just be dealing with trauma from c-ptsd. Either way I would highly recommend the book “C-PTSD: from surviving to thriving” by Scott Walker and finding a therapist who specializes in trauma. Would also get screened for adhd/autism.
Try to spend more time reconnecting your soul, mind and body with yoga, meditation, running, dancing, eating clean foods, hiking in nature, making art, woodworking, or any other physical activity that makes you happy. Either way, there is nothing, and never was anything, wrong with you. 💛
You are not alone with that. In fact you described my childhood exactly. I also struggle with this to this day.
Therapy might help, if you can afford it. It’s hard (if even possible) to deal with this just by yourself.
Hey man, I’m sorry you are struggling. What you are describing sounds similar to my own life experience and I am Autistic.
Take the AQ and the RAASD-R online tests to see what results they give you, if you score high enough I suggest talking to a professional that can officially diagnose you.
I hope things get better for you.
What happened when you were 8 years old? It sounds like you were traumatised and didn’t get a chance to heal.
As to what other people used to say to you, you may be what people call an “old soul”. There’s nothing wrong with that, it just means that you may be maturer than other kids your age, think more serious thoughts etc.
You need to understand that what these people used to say to you wasn’t the truth, it was just their interpretation of reality because they didn’t understand you. You need to know that you are okay the way you are. You are different but normal (because everyone is a bit different).
As to your voice, you should talk to doctor about that. If your voice never broke there may be a medical problem. I knew a guy in my school whose voice didn’t break until we grew apart after high school. And I met someone in my professional life who was around 40 and his voice was unexpectedly high. That didn’t change the fact that he was a real expert at what he was doing.
You sound like have c-ptsd and/or are on the autism spectrum.
> “you’re weird”, “it’s just something about you, idk what it is”, “why do you always use those big words, are you trying to make yourself seem smart?”, “stop acting like that, just be genuine”, “stop changing your voice, just talk normally”
This gives off autism vibes
That’s too big of a problem for the internet to advise on my guy. You should go see a mental health professional
Lots of what you describe also described me when I was a child. Then, at the age of 36, I was diagnosed as autistic and everything started to make sense. If nothing else, you need to talk to a mental health professional, but maybe look into autism as a possible reason behind some or all of these feelings.
>But to me, the other children would always do stupid things and then wonder why stupid things happened to them. All the things I said made perfect sense to me and when I demonstrated them, everyone would look so surprised like I just performed a magic trick.
elaborate
Damn…
Coming from a diagnosed Autistic – this sounds like A LOT of people with Autism’s childhood, including my own.
Please take a mbti personality test. That will help you to understand why you are the way you are and you can also find other people like you.
I relate to a lot in your post as an autist. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 20 and it did wonders for my self-image and overall mental health as I no longer felt “wrong” and without community. I’m not saying you’re autistic, but it is a possibility worth exploring.
I was called “weird” a lot growing up. At one point I realized that it meant I was “outside of their frame of understanding”. I consider that a good thing! By just being, I was broadening their perspective of the world. And it also gave me an advantage because most people didn’t know what to expect, so I could be 2-3 steps ahead of them before they even started to figure out what I was up to. : )
It might be worth looking up “dissociation”. If you’ve experienced a lot of traumatic situations, ‘feeling apart’ from yourself is a pretty normal way your psyche can help protect you from those experiences. You might need a hand reintegrating again, it’s totally possible to do!, but it goes better & faster if you can talk with someone who has a map & knows how to help you do it. A therapist is a *very* good idea. It’s like having a ‘professional friend’, someone who is solidly on your side, and will always be honest with you. So useful!
Remember, just like your body or skin will heal on its own when it gets a scratch or a cut, your psyche is always working to heal you as well. It’s already doing that work!, often subconsciously.
But in the same way it is important to clean a wound and use a bandage to protect your skin, it’s important to go easy on yourself, and protect your psyche so it too can heal properly. A therapist is the sort of doctor that can help you with first aid for your psyche. And second aid too, if needed : )
Get yourself to physical safety first, and then go see the doc.
You’ll be ok. Things definitely get better as you get older, hang in there! Good luck!
You might want to look up trauma and dissociation / depersonalization. That may be what you’re experiencing.
I think the thing who is “pretending to be you” is a survival part of your soul, and the traumatized part of you is temporarily in limbo. It didn’t die, but it’s stuck and frozen from all the horrible things it had to go through.
To “have to grow up more quickly” and to behave more “maturely” is also normal for children who went through trauma. Unfortunately having to be “sensible” this early makes you miss out on the normal playfulness of childhood and on experimenting without fear.
You’re traumatized. You need therapy, to explore and love yourself and to find people who get you. I was like you. I did all three in that order and I’m happier than I’ve ever been.
Maybe you’re autistic.
I know other people said that already, but as someone who found out was autistic as an adult, this sounds very familiar to me. Especially the thing with “leaving your true self behind” as a kid, because that’s roughly when we realise we’re different and begin to mask. Until I was 26 I though I needed to see a therapist because I “couldn’t interpret or represent emotions anymore”. Turns out it was bit simpler than that.
I don’t want to play armchair psychiatrist too hard but have you ever been tested for autism and/or ADHD? The experience you are describing sounds awfuly similar to my own and others I’ve read about
Maybe you have Aspergers(high-functioning autism)? I relate heavily to your post and was diagnosed 2 years ago.
In addition to all the other good advice in this thread, I think you might be on the autism spectrum. A lot of young autists will unconsciously “mask,” or try to copy traits from people around them to try to seem “normal.” Might be worth looking into, at least for some peace of mind.