I see this all the time. But people’s main advice is to be confident in order to make friends or date. It’s like people think that confidence is all you need to be successful. It’s a big gaslighting tactic that I wish people would stop using. Ironically it will make you lose confidence believing that.
The truth is that people are attracted to more than just your good heart. We as people are selfish and judgemental. So you can be confident in yourself but you have to still be useful for them to want to be friends. Same thing when it comes to dating. I notice that alot if people are pushing others to fake who they are by faking confidence. Look if you are naturally not a talker. Lol confidence isn’t the reason why you aren’t making friends. Most likely you have surrounded yourself with people who not compatible. So figure out yourself first.
Confidence is also not an all or nothing thing. It’s a spectrum and it is completely normal to be confident on somedays and not on others. Point is I wish people would stop giving advice such as be more confident when they should ask more insightful questions such as what do you and the people you want to be friends with have in common. Ironically by not accepting all the blame, you become more confident in yourself lol.
Anyone else get where I’m coming from
4 comments
Seems to me like you build confidence by achieving your goals. When you build confidence in a natural way you build momentum and are satisfied with yourself. Other people’s opinion of you no longer matters, and that will draw them to you.
People subconsciously attach you to the positive social energy, vibes, and value you bring. Confidence is a major starting point as far as bringing social energy and vibes. The reason confidence is preached a lot is because people keep saying they are anxious and nervous around other people. The truth is being overly anxious and nervous sends off negative vibes. It is because you are acting as though you are feeling unworthy to be around other people and that you need constant validation from others even just to feel comfortable around them. The truth is nobody is there to validate you. People want to feel good around you. Confidence conveys that you are able to feel comfortable within yourself, have validated yourself, and feel worthy to be around others.
And Yes, there are days you can’t be positive. Life happens. But at the end of the day, you still have to be an overall positive and respectable person. Confidence helps with being that.
/r/iam14andthisdeep
To me, there’s a bit of a disconnect in what some people view as “confidence.” There’s the typical “bravery” that people view as just being able to walk in and face (social) fears head-on, and not care about what others think of you. Then, I think there’s a more subtle version that gets mistaken (or is even just intertwined) for the first:
Comfortability.
Are you comfortable with yourself? Do you know what you are good at, and what you need to improve on? Do you know where you’re willing to put in the work and where it’s just a waste for you?
That, in my opinion, is the essence of confidence: to know where you stand and where you would like to strive for, but also be okay if things don’t work out.
Sometimes, it’s a good thing, and sometimes it’s a bad thing.
I think you’re somewhat right for interacting with others and confidence, but you’re looking at it very transactionally.
“We as people are selfish and judgemental. So you can be confident in yourself but you have to still be useful for them to want to be friends”
That line of thinking isn’t how you make friends. That’s how you make business partners and deals. Once that transaction is done (people used up their use), then there’s no purpose behind the relationship anymore.
I read in the comments that you are a med student. Depending on where you live, that’s very useful. But… does JUST being a med student (future physician), knowing how to box, knowing how to canoe, etc. allow for you to make friends? No, it’s but a tool that can open lines of conversation and interests.
It’s the subtle things that make people want to be friends and keep that relationship. I’ve been friends and met people who think that if they knew everything, they’d be the center of attention. I’ve had friends who knew how to entice a crowd, but those “friends” they make left them once things grew dire.
Practically, being in medicine is a sweet spot for “utility”, but then you just have natural users/takers and not givers in a relationship. So, where does that leave you? You’re a service, a product, something that they call in when they need something and don’t give back. It’s a hollow, empty relationship that doesn’t help a person aside from a handful of instances.
So, you need to generate that inner confidence. The understanding that not everyone’s compatible, as you’ve said in your post. You need to be comfortable with yourself to know when reach out and when to cut ties.
That’s gained through a number of things, but mostly from a good bit of introspection. Having achievements help boost the idea of self-worth, but that’s only part of it. The real part, in my opinion, is coming to the understanding that you’ve done all you’ve could at this moment and being at least satisfied that you tried. Whether one wants to improve from point is up to the individual. The quality of that decision depends on each case, but that’s the essence.
That’s the type of confidence, from what I’ve seen, leads to a fairly healthy mentality, which helps you stay away from bad relationships and helps attract people to you.