My boyfriend (28 m) and I (31 f) haven been together for 2.5 years. We moved in together in August and I’m having a nervous breakdown.
I have struggled with addiction and a loss in the past and (at least partly) due to that, I’m very focused on my mental health, having hobbies, reading, going to therapy, keeping a schedule, etc. My boyfriend has helped me through a lot and I love him dearly.
However, since moving in together the dynamic in our relationship has changed a lot. I began to notice, as I dramatically shifted to a motivated homemaker and working on myself, that he has become more and more.. Lifeless?
He has no hobbies, except for video games, but as we have no PC, he can’t do that. So whenever he has free time that I don’t “force” him to do something else, he keeps scrolling the Internet and watching TV. Nothing else.
I’m starting to feel like everything he does outside of that is because I make him. Like grocery shopping (“we can just whatever, we don’t have to put so much work into it” ) to cleaning (“it’s not a life or death thing”) to cooking (he’d cook, but only instant soup) to.. Everything.
I find myself working towards a future family, always learning something, cooking new things, cleaning, organising everything (appointments, repairs, everything). While he just goes along, but it’s like I’m dragging him into all of this. Like he just wants to watch TV all day.
I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he just says he’s overwhelmed. But I’m doing 3/4 of the chores and work full time (as does he). I’ve tried to get him to go to therapy, but if he doesn’t want it, it won’t help. He can’t even say what about the 3 chores per week he does is overwhelming.
I want to be cooler about it, like not care so much what he does with his life. Its his life. I don’t want to drag him along all the time.
How can I let go of this need to manage him?
Tldr: boyfriend only wants to watch TV and is overwhelmed, I feel like I’m dragging him into this family-life that he doesn’t want and I just want to be less stressed about it all.
9 comments
Maybe this is who he really is and you’re only seeing it now because you live together? It’s possible that work is overwhelming him, but a couple of chores that he can do at his own pace most likely aren’t the source. Sounds more like an excuse to just not do anything?
If he can’t handle most of this, I don’t think he would be able to handle a family with you honestly. And you have to question if he would actually help you if getting him to do anything right now is this difficult.
There isn’t anything wrong with chilling sometimes, but if you’re not happy like this, I don’t think ignoring it is going to help. It might just be a compatibility issue, especially if he refuses to even try changing the situation or getting help.
You aren’t compatible and this should end.
But it won’t be just his life if you marry. These are things to consider before you decide a future with someone. Don’t marry him if you feel like you’re doing all the work.
He sounds liek he might have adhd
It’s not all that uncommon for people who move in together to find themselves enjoying nesting at home, especially at first. So the “no real hobbies” thing doesn’t particularly worry me. It’s okay for someone to go through some periods where they just want to chill out and not be working on self improvement or doing self-analysis.
But it’s a problem if he’s content to leave you to do the majority of chores and all the mental load of organizing your shared life. And it’s a problem if you’re actively working toward having kids and he doesn’t actually share those goals. Those are the things I’d focus on in your shoes. You don’t need to manage him – you need him to be willing to manage his own half of your shared life, like a partner, or to take steps toward getting professional help if his current mental/emotional state means he can’t meet you there right now. It’s okay to tell him that, and to tell him you see this as a compatibility issue that could end the relationship.
I swear, some people get in relationships because they have like 2/3 of a brain, no personality or interests, and need someone to make all their decisions and schedule and basically live for them. They’re easy to get along with at first, because the other person has their own life and their own new-relationship momentum, it takes a while to realize they’re dead weight. Good thing you’re realizing it now. You’ve got your shit together, you’ll be just fine without him.
Sounds like you and he might be a not particularly compatible household – if this is a persistent issue, you have fundamentally different preferences about downtime/ambition/long-term-goal-seeking. If so, that’s okay! Detecting this is *the entire point of living together before marriage*. It is actually very reasonable and healthy to separate if you aren’t compatible in this way, without there needing to be some kind of big explosive Wrong that someone has Done to mandate a break-up, and wish each other good fortune and successful future relationships, and go find someone who shares your goals and values.
BUT, I think one thing you might consider trying before that is to put ‘get a desktop PC’ on your list of Productive Things that you are so enthusiastically going around Accomplishing. Not because it’s your job to solve this problem for your partner, it’s not at all, but because you seem like the type of person who’d feel really, like, emotionally fulfilled, if you did this one Clever Hack (TM) and it immediately solved all his problems? I realize this sounds like a *bizarre* thing to suggest might be load-bearing, but personally I have definitely had to ratchet that way up my priority list for myself as an adult, because I learned in my first year of college that not having a PC and only being able to do computery things with a phone or tablet makes me *super depressed* for some reason, and maybe that is also what’s going on here.
Instead of asking “how do I get over the need to manage him?”, ask yourself if your expectations are too low. I would not settle for this behavior, you are not the problem. And how he is now will only get worse. Do you want a life partner who does not do their share?
This isn’t what you want to hear, but you two are not compatible. You may love each other very much, but you don’t have the same (or even similar) life view. It won’t get better, and if you add pets or kids eventually the load will be so heavy on your side that it will be too much.
I’m a mom with 4 kids. I was very much an energetic go getter when I got married. My husband was more of a do the basics kind of guy. I thought it would be fine since I enjoy taking care of the home and organizing stuff. It was ok until kids came along. Then it got worse and worse. When I had to go on bedrest with our youngest, he wouldn’t pick up the slack, and not only that, but he was angry that I wasn’t doing everything. I risked mine and my baby’s health to get up and wash his socks. It was pretty horrific, in hindsight. (I left him after that baby was born).
My advice is to cut your losses.