I \[26M, self-diagnosed ADHD\] had my first sexual encounter 9 months ago. Since then, I could never get another sexual partner again. This gives me massive mood swings and more often I feel depressed than not. I’m highly confident, make friends with ease, have diverse interests – and yet, it’s not enough. Apparently, I’m not enough to be desired.
My first sex was a casual one with a best friend – but my friend was too worried about how badly I wanted to do it again, and didn’t want a second time. Beforehand, I had a girlfriend twice: for the first time, 4 years ago, it lasted a month and we didn’t even kiss. The second time, 1.5 years ago, lasted 3 months. We made out a lot, but my girlfriend became slowly disengaged after I said her “I love you” at the 1.5 month mark, when I mistook passion for love.
I often feel worthless and inferior to all the people around me who are in relationships, committed or casual, or simply have casual encounters. They’re often average-looking and yet they can do it. For me it’s more about physical intimacy and desire than love right now. I don’t care if it happens within a relationship or is casual, I simply long gave up on the hope of ever being loved. However, I want playful sex that stems out of desire, there’s absolutely no way I’d have sex with a sex worker.
I used to be a socially withdrawn nerd with no friends 8 years ago and I slowly opened myself up. In particular, I started going to parties 1.5 years ago. I’m very intelligent and can hold conversations about a broad range of topics. I play the guitar. I’m average-looking and I have a very good job prospects as a software engineer. My hobbies, career, academic achievements, all come with ease. However, at the college I’m doing my degree the women are a minority, with most of them already being taken, so I try to look elsewhere.
I have no social anxiety whatsoever. I had no problem joining a group of complete who were partying, and they liked it enough to offer me a joint they were smoking. I make friends with ease, but this doesn’t help me with dating whatsoever.
I initiate conversations with girls in many different places: on the street, in the supermarket, on a train or a bus, during gigs or – whenever it feels natural. For the last 8 months, I talked to hundreds of girls. Quite often, the conversation flows very nicely. Sometimes I impress them with my intelligence or wit. At the end I share the intent of meeting up for a coffee or wine. I get her phone number, and this is where the good things end. We say goodbye… and usually I end up being ghosted.
A few times the girl would text back, but I’d get a date only twice, at the end of June, just before leaving for a 3-month internship at a prestigious company abroad, and ended up getting ghosted during the summer. I kissed a girl I met online, with whom we barely had anything to talk about, and this didn’t really survive the summer either.
Online dating doesn’t work. I get a few matches for the first week or two and nothing afterwards.
I feel I’m fundamentally broken. I feel like garbage, I don’t believe I’ll ever going to feel physically desired again. Like a matrimonial waste no woman would want. Good enough for being friends, not good enough to be sexually intimate with.