Ok so I started to do a bunch of activities in order to “put myself out there” and meet people organically. Like I started bouldering, yoga, hiking groups, even going to church.
Overall I find the return on investment extremely poor in these activity groups given the time, money and commute I do to participate in these activity groups. Like my goal is to build a social circle in order to find a girlfriend(everybody say that this is the secret sauce to find a great partner with whom you are compatible with).
Let me start with **bouldering**. So I took a class there and I even met a lady in there who seemed nice. It was a 1 time thing so maybe this is why. But then I went afterward and overall I found I was just climbing alone and not talking to anybody. Definitely was a good workout but I find it’s pretty hard to interact with other climbers there. I even cold approached a young lady there and had a nice convo(I’m not shy or anything) but yeah it died out and we never saw each other again. She was a bit young too.
So now let’s go to **hiking groups**. People in there seem interested in chatting but the vast majority of people seem to be the odd boomer in there. The way it works over there is that everybody pairs with just 1 person and you talk to this person for the rest of the 3 hours hike. In a group of maybe 20 people, there seems to be just 1 person interested in chatting to you. Well at least this is so for me. I have noticed one day a young attractive woman with a dog passed us quickly(it was a park) and everybody in the group was trying to flirt and banter with her. What I found crazy is that in the 20 secs she was passing by the group by not trying, she had gathered more attention than I ever did in the 3-4 hour hike I was trying. Yeah just an anecdote and my observation.
**Yoga.** This one interested me because it has a high female ratio(after all your chances are higher if your class is 3/4 female) and hey, the whole point of these activity groups is to make friends so if I get female friends from this, the more the merrier right? But this one is where I seem to have been so wrong with my thinking. Nobody seems to be interested to chat in there. Everybody do their thing quickly and when it’s dark out there, everybody quickly leaves. Very little conversations I find in Yoga studios(apart from with the staff/owner when I arrive or leave). But yeah on the positive I find Yoga great for stretching and relaxing. My studio just has very late hours and I don’t like to be on the road during that time( road raging idiots lurking more than average at these odd hours). It’s pretty expensive too at +$220/month. Almost the price of a downtown parking spot.
**Church.** This one I started very recently and don’t have much experience yet BUT it seems promising. Especially if you go to a church that really belongs to your background(French Canadian in my case), I think women are likely to see you from your background/community. There seems to be a healthy ratio of women in there and I could see opportunities to meet new people. Again purely hypothetical and my guess since I’m new to this. But yeah what’s really rough is all the septuagenarians singing like there is no tomorrow lol. Especially if you are not used to, rough at first lol.
Am I doing this wrong? So far I haven’t made any friends from these. Maybe it’s just me too. I have ASD and don’t make friends easily. But what seems to be across the board is I find it’s pretty hard to meet people in there. People seem to be just interested in the activity and not much else like to chat. Or maybe I haven’t given them enough time.
18 comments
I bet man you have done way more than me i got one sucess from my tennis group and i messed it up still blame my self after good dating for 2 months she went cold on me guess we moved fast i came strong thats my reasoning behind it . It do scares me to try new as it takes lot of time and energy specially when you are from different ethnic group pipl generally dont talk to you. I am very extrovert once i started talking but the reason is you have to have so much stand out personality or some thing which makes you get more options i am not saying you are not but the thing is someone introduces you to girl proelspect match it goes long than hitting on group activities as it take a lot build from ground zero when someone else can do it for you again it needs circle and friends like that which i don’t have.
Online dating is like once in 100 girl who matches will agree to go in date then boom gone.
Its just hard mate wont find wife in bar they say
Good for you for putting yourself out there. Have you tried online dating?
Go to specific events with a contextual introduction. Speed dating, singles mixers, dinner for 6 etc. Find activities that actually encourage conversation, eg. coffee clubs, meetups, etc. You should only be doing activities for the sake of activities and not to meet women, that’s just a bonus.
I feel like joining stuff with the intention to meet ppl always goes bad, women can detect when men are just doing it to meet someone and we find that weird and creepy (even if those aren’t your intentions). I suggest just doing things you like (there are cheaper activities) and just letting friendships form organically that can later turn into potential relationships than being hung up on trying to chat women up. Also talk to the men in these activities too, women can tell if a guy’s there only to hit on women and it’s a huge turn off.
my guy… you are doing it wrong.
And Your point? Really
Just gotta stick with it man. Find something that fills your day. An activity you enjoy doing. Be passionate about it. Get good at it. Let it become part of your personality. Then go find something new as well. If you are doing something for purely social reasons it will get boring eventually because at some point you won’t have friends there anymore. If you actually enjoy it, you will do it forever. If you do it forever you build confidence, you develop your personality, that projects into other aspects of your life. Dating is an investment. It’s dangling a hook to see who bites. You are the one who decides where to dangle it so dangle it somewhere doing something you enjoy. And I feel the need to say that I didn’t mean that in a dirty way
I don’t know man. I take a 1.5h commute to the nearby city, go on a hike, walk around popular areas in the city and I get looks and can strike up a conversation almost any day.
I really admire your drive here. What actually happens with this “find a hobby” thing is this – you get into an activity you love. It starts to fill up your time. Eventually, because you spend so much time doing that activity, you meet other people doing that activity and might meet someone to form a relationship. This takes weeks/months/years. You basically have to get into the hobby for its own sake and then happen to meet someone. Try something mostly geared toward women (sewing club, book club, social activitism) but not toward sexy women (yoga, belly dancing, massage) bc those women don’t want to be picked up during class. And you aren’t there to pick women up . . . you are there to get to know people while doing an activity you mutually enjoy (and then hopefully and magically run into that special someone).
I agree with what others are saying about your intent being obvious, as I have experienced going to social events for meeting expats and I got so turned off by men, often much older, targeting me, I avoid going.
Why not look into activities such as wine tasting, art galleries, etc, and bring a friend? Events like that would make it easier to chat with people
>my goal is to build a social circle in order to find a girlfriend(everybody say that this is the secret sauce to find a great partner with whom you are compatible with)
You have to actually develop the friendships first, though. As written, it seems like you’re just going to new places and cold approaching for dates. The idea behind developing the social circle is they will be able to help you with introductions to compatible people they know, eliminating the necessity of cold approaches altogether.
Lol the ‘just meet women irl’ crew btfo again
Maybe you’re ugly and boring?
Hit the gym not just to be fit, or be a casual who goes to the gym for years and has a shit dyel physique. Build an actual aesthetic bodybuilder physique which means reaching 10-12% bf first, then bulking for 8 months to a year, the. Cutting back to 12% with rigorous training and progressive overload. 1g protein/1lb of bodyweight.Then you’ll look decent.
If you’re balding, depending on the severity either go bald or get on finasteride + minoxidil if it’s still early. Hair transplant from Turkey is also a good idea. Then get a good haircut that suits your face. Do research for this.
Use minoxidil on your face if you can’t grow a beard.
Get a proper skincare routine, with a cleanser, vitamin c serum, moisturizer and spf in the am and cleanser, tretinoin and moisturizer in the pm.
Fix your teeth, if they are crooked then get braces, if your jaw sucks they can possibly fix it with elastics and headgear but probably need orthognathic surgery. I’m in canada (toronto) and it was covered by government healthcare for me.
Then get your teeth professionally whitened and brush + waterpik + scrape tongue + mouthwash in the AM and brush + floss + scrape tongue + mouthwash in the pm, use hydrogen peroxide mouthwash once a week or so.
Fix your fashion sense if your outfits suck. I think clothes are a form of personal expression so I can’t say just wear x or y type of clothing, but maybe browse style subreddits and other online forums or magazines and try to find your style and purposefully build a wardrobe based on that, buying outfits and looks rather than just individual pieces that you like (which is fun sometimes too).
After all this you are officially a top 5-1% man in terms of attractiveness and you can have just okay game or speaking ability and you will still pull women. Most men are ugly. Like the average man is just plain unattractive, so reaching this status will make you so much more impressive than a girl who is pretty, because that is much more common. I go out on a commute in Downtown toronto daily and 4/5 days on my commute I am never mogged and I’m the most attractive man I come across, only like 6’2+ model tier facial genetics men mog me usually, and my genetic foundation is not even that amazing.
In terms of personality, be interesting. Learn some artistic hobby. I draw and play piano and some guitar(still shit). Be well read, honestly outside of the women this is super fulfilling. Don’t read bullshit self help or productivity books read literature and philosophy. Go to museums, travel, learn to cook, go to concerts, broaden your music tastes, try new cuisines and restaurants in your city, etc. Yoga is awesome for recovery and also for your mind. Do meditation as well. Try to find an affordable psychotherapist who specializes in CBT. This will be life changing. Doing the 1 year + stretch of weight training will already do wonders for your mind and personality and these are just the icing on the cake.
Also develop yourself in your career, maybe learn some coding, go back to school or try online courses or maybe a bootcamp, maybe webdev which is easier. Doing these on the side for fun while you develop a bunch of cool projects and learn will eventually lead to an amazing career, even without the degree, and unfortunately women do care about your career.
Every single one of these things will pay dividends in terms of women but they will also just make you have a better life and be a better person who is way more interesting and likeable and likely more fulfilled and happy and confident.
When they told you to get a hobby to meet women, I don’t think they meant it in the way you’re clearly taking it. I can honestly feel the desperation you’re giving off through the phone (not to be rude.) I would suggest not doing these hobbies with the specific expectation of looking/getting a gf it comes off. I promise they can tell. Do what you love and really put your all it in. Going to a class or two and talking to women before you realize it’s not working or it’s not there and moving on might be the problem. Try picking 1 or 2 hobbies and really go for it. Learn the group men and women and try to fit in by really participating, smiling, making eye contact and being friendly (not boyfriendly). It’s a big difference in being in an activity and seeing a man or woman for weeks or months clearly passionate about the activity and loving what he’s doing unapologetically and with care and a guy who only shows up a couple times talks to a few women and dips with he realizes it’s not working. Anybody in a hobby longer than a couple weeks can see clearly what you’re doing. Get comfortable first, recognize faces(not just the women), names, have little talks that aren’t fishing for love and it might just find you.
Go and get a puppy. Take it to the park. Girls(females) love puppies. They will want to hang out with you, so they can play with your puppy. I can hear one say to you, can I stay the night with you. I want to be there, when the puppy wakes up in the morning.
Yeah sorry man. Maybe just give up on the girlfriend thing. This is not a motivational thing. I just feel like this is not the way and if women don’t come your way just a little bit, I don’t see you making chance.
I made myself crazy with extra activities and it’s just not worth your mental health. I’m not telling you to do nothing, because your feelings are valid. For example: I cut off contact with women who “wanted to stay friends”, my exes and friends in relationships. The idea is that I still have control over the relationship and I am maybe better off without those people.
I recommend doing activities you like purely for your own improvement and enjoyment, not with the purpose of finding a woman. The less you push for a relationship, the more likely you are to stumble into the right situation
Interesting. I have similar hobbies to you. Bouldering. Church. Gym. Jiu Jitsu. Shooting. Etc. and similar to yourself I don’t often MEET girls doing these activities however I have found that these activities greatly enhance my experience when I meet girls in other places like school or on dating apps. My bouldering gym lets me bring one person for free once a month and I can’t tell you how many girls I’ve brought to try it out.
Also, if there’s one thing girls ask me about the most on dating apps it’s jiu jitsu.
Do what you love but keep it varied. Eventually something good will come of it even if it’s not in the form you quite imagine