Me (26) and my partner (30) have been together for about six months, but we have been seeing each other for about a year. The reason why we didn’t get together sooner is that when we met it was about two months after a break up with his ex, they were together for about three years. Neither of us wanted to have anything serious at that time. I was happy with my singlehood and he didn’t want to commit to anyone after his last relationship either. It came unexpectedly for both of us, he was resistant for a bit longer than me, but in the end, we fell in love.
The problem is, that since our casual beginnings, his ex was still somehow present in his life. She obviously enjoyed drawing and leaving notes for him that he had laying on his table even when we met. I saw their photos, a “relationship contract” from her which he was meant to sign to promise her he’s never gonna break up with her (weird, I know) and other love notes. Drawings all round his room from her, girls’ cosmetics in his wardrobe, even their initials painted in his car by a nail polish with many hearts around. He did get rid off this stuff eventually, even though, I still keep finding shit she made for him and it’s getting really annoying. He always tells me that the reason he didn’t get rid off those things right away is cause he didn’t care and doesn’t spend much time in his room anyway. And everytime I find something he tells me to chuck it, that it doesn’t have any value to him. Which I believe cause he broke up with her and swore me many times that he didn’t have any intention to get back to her even before we met, as he simply wasn’t happy in that relationship.
He’s giving me many reassurances, but somehow, with a help of my crippling insecurity, I cannot get her out of my head. Obviously, I also did the stupidest thing possible and checked her social media… and oh boy, the way she likes to leave marks in real life she also does in an online world. Still pics and videos from their holidays and stuff…
He also told me that after their break up she always got drunk and called him or texted him and wanted to get back to him before we got serious. He said no every time, but they were still keeping in touch up until the point we got serious. He blocked her recently on ig as he said she’s not part of his life anymore.
He’s been actually very reasonable with everything, there’s only one thing that’s striking me and that’s that one of the reasons he blocked her is not to make her feel bad knowing that he’s in relationship as when he broke up he told her, it’s not her but him and that he needs to be alone. Even though the relationship was apparently crap and that’s why he broke up but nevermind.
I guess I can understand he doesn’t want to make her feel bad, but then I’m really pissed off at the same time that I have to deal with all this shit while she cannot even see a photo of us on ig a year after they broke up. I do trust him and I know he doesn’t want to keep his back door open or anything like that and probably it’s just an ego thing but ffs, I haven’t ever struggled with retroactive jealousy before but this ex is just so obnoxious to me.
Also, cause we were so casual from the start we would share a lot of things, so he would talk about his ex and said that he still loves her as a person, and that she’s amazing and that it’s not her but him who couldn’t be in a relationship… so I guess all these things just added up to my insecurities. Even though he did start talking about her differently later on and started sharing how toxic the relationship actually was so I think she was pretty manipulative.
It just really sucks that I am wasting so much time thinking about their relationship rather than focusing on ours you know and I’m getting a bit desperate here. I am planning to go to a therapy and I bought myslef a book on RJ so I’m making steps.
This is my first reddit post, but I love this community and any help, advice or just a chat would be well appreciated. Cheers x
TDLR; my partner finished his relationship right before we met, his ex’s stuff was still everywhere, I am struggling with retroactive jealousy.
1 comment
One of the downsides of knowing your partner as friends or casually is that they might talk very frankly about their ex in ways that are difficult to get out of your head when you *do* get together with them.
But it sounds like he’s taken most of the right steps. I don’t get the impression that he’s blocked her on socials so that *she* doesn’t see you but so he doesn’t have to deal with her drunken midnight relapses. You’re taking the right steps in getting some therapy and not making your issues his problem. It’s fine to talk to him about it in terms of “here’s what I’m feeling; you’re doing great, and this is what I’m doing to work on my problems.”
You’re choosing each other every day…I guess that’s the way to look at it, until you work through your feelings.
If you do decide to move in together, I would suggest moving someplace new or asking him to do a thorough purge before you move in. And by this I *don’t* mean he has to get rid of every single memento from the relationship, but whatever he does keep should be put away and all her gum-wrappers and hair ties and crap should be chucked. *YOU* should not have to be throwing her shit out all the time.